A
female
age
51-59,
*aritamontel
writes:hello cupid,i hoping you can help me anwser some concerns i have about me. i have been married for 20 years now. but thinking back i really got into this marraige really fast. within a week of my husband and myself dating we moved in together and had kids and than got married and ever since than it has been a roller coaster ride for me anyway.at first i was deeply in love. my life was pleasing him to the extreme. i did everything he told me to do.i never thought for myself or wanted anything but to have this family. husband,kids,the whole thing.but after while he just didnt make me feel good it's like i just didnt feel the love from him. even though he would tell me he love me it was never good enough for me. leaving me feeling alone and neglected. so i started looking for love from another man. but that became a cycle too. find a man,feel guilty,leave the man, so on and so on. never feeding the need to feel love. now he has left me.so now i am 41 still feeling alone and wanting someone to love me. i flirt and i met this guy. the only thing is i met him online so i havent even met him yet. talked to him for some months. i called him all the time. text him all the time. he is on my mind all the time. i can't help to feel as if maybe i need some help mentally. what is wrong with me. i obsess over men and than i eat when i don't hear from him it's a pattern . i constantly feel as if i need someone to talk too. what's wrong with me. i am too old to be this way. i am back talking to my husband too. its like i need someone to need me. or i feel bad. help me tell me whats wrong with me. why is it so hard for me to go on by myself. why do i feel as if i need a man to complete me. it's so hard sometimes to just say no and do me.
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male
reader, Pontoon  +, writes (31 December 2012):
You sound exactly like my ex wife. We were married for 16 years until she finally had a crisis. She is a chronic people pleaser. She always did everything for others in the hopes that people would like her. And of course, other people did like her for her kindness. But that did not make her happy and it only made things worse, because the problem was with herself. She was trying to fill a void within herself by doing anything to get others to like her.In the end, this pattern never worked, and she finally filed for divorce, left myself and my daughter, and ran off to live in another country with some guy 30 years older than her. She met and fell in love with this guy in the span of 3 weeks. This says to me she is still a people pleaser, but that is no longer my problem. Things will be great with those two for awhile, but the problems will come back to my ex because she has not fixed her core problem.What the others have said is so true, you have to love yourself. It might be you have to work through some personal issues to get there. With my ex, she discovered through therapy that she was never important to her parents, and she was an only child. She tried hard to please them so they would love her. This behavior carried forward into adulthood, with devastating consequences, at least for myself and my daughter.I'd really recommend looking at some therapy. At the very least, search online for the book "The Disease to Please" and see if you see yourself in the pages of that book.Good luck to you!
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (31 December 2012):
Hi. I really believe it will make a HUGE difference to how you think about life generally, I really do.
I hope you will go ahead and buy it.
It was the one thing that made ALL the difference to me, without doing ANYTHING else at all.
In the new year, you could go looking for some work, even if it is only casual or part time, it will make you feel really good about everything, and with a sense of independence, which is really good for the soul.
And being with people as well will also help, having some company.
You will gradually find that once you have some kind of regular work, that this little bit of independence will lead to even bigger and better things for you in the very near future.
You will also find that everything starts to fall into place for you, like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
And you will then automatically, start to think differently from how you have usually thought about life.
I really believe that you WILL find yourself, and find how you fit into this world, in less time than you realize.
And then you will NEVER look back, I promise you.
The world will be your oyster!
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A
female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (30 December 2012):
I once read "I never found home in the arms of a man"
It really hit hard for me, so I hope it can help you too.
Assume the above quote will be you at 80.
Try and let go of dreams and if they happen then just smile :)
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A
female
reader, saritamontel +, writes (30 December 2012):
saritamontel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your anwsers. and yes i will read that book. after leaving my life as a mom and wife it becomes a rountine. to tell you the truth i really dont know who i am or much less what i want out of life. my purpose has always been to be the best mom and wife i could be.with very little to go by as a young child. now that i am all alone, i just feel as if i am overwhelmed and finding me. everyone teling me i need help but how do i go about gettin it. i have no money or insurance. no job nothing. it's like i am fresh out of high school and push out into the world all on my own.and what kills me about my own mother she tells me how alot of women are out doing it but she never did. she got out of a abusive marriage just so she can get married to another man soon after. i have so much anger towards my family. they are all so quick to judge me but none of them are living any better than me. but i want to thank everyone that has anwser and at least gave me an idea of what to do. thank you very much god bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): Can you define what it is that you want from a relationship and which was lacking on your marriage? Perhaps you need to learn to be more independent and develop an identity that isn't primarily based on being a wife or girlfriend to someone. For example maybe you should focus more on what you want to accomplish in life or focus on your other relationships and maintaining or improving them.
Maybe you need to learn to be comfortable with yourself. Maybe you are looking for someone to validate you but your self esteem needs to come from yourself not be dependent on just one other person. Maybe you have abandonment issues stemming from childhood?
It will probably help if you can talk to a therapist or counselor. They van help you dig deeper into why you feel this way and what to do.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (30 December 2012):
Hi there. Before we can love anyone else or have them love us, we first have to feel good about ourselves and love and respect ourselves, unconditionally.
Perhaps your thinking always went - before you met your husband - "I want to get married and settle down and have children, the full bit."
And that may have been your main aim in life, because it's kind of what is expected from life and society and our families.
Like a tradition, I suppose.
However, in that journey to finding your husband, you may have lost yourself in the process, and forgotten to give yourself some attention as well.
Things like:-
(1) Having some hobbies and interests of your own.
(2) Keeping your friends from before marriage, and keeping in regular contact with them.
(3) Going out with those friends or visiting them on a regular basis - on your own, I mean.
In other words, what I am saying here is that you keep that part of yourself from before you met your husband, and keeping it well and truly alive, once you got married and had your children.
It's so important to feed ourselves spiritually, and it makes a positive impact on not only our emotional health, but also our physical health.
And if we are NOT very happy, well then our emotional unhappiness will definitely affect the health of our bodies, most certainly.
And it is this emptiness that makes us feel the most unhappy.
You can draw from the well for only so long, and unless you put back into that well some kindness and love to your own soul, well then that well will run dry eventually.
You can give and give and give to others.
However, you must also GIVE to yourself.
It's possible that over these years of being married and having children, that you have put your own needs last.
And this is so very COMMON in women, and especially once you have children.
There is this tendency to put your children's needs first, and of course your husband's needs as well, and your OWN needs just don't get a lookin.
And that pays a high price in years to come, as you are seeing for yourself firsthand.
Maybe what could help here, could be for you to find some hobbies and interests of your own, that don't include your husband.
Meaning by that, hobbies and interests that take you away from the family home for a couple of hours each week, say one night a week or 2 at the very most.
You DO want some time with your family, after all.
It would certainly break up the monotony of just you and him, the children and nothing else but being a wife and mother.
We all need much more than just those duties.
We all need true meaning and passion in our lives.
And no, I don't mean sex as being the only passion, I am talking specifically about "passion" as having meaning in our lives, a sense of purpose.
Something to make us want to get out of bed each morning, and be excited to start our day.
This is what I mean, by "passion."
Knowing why we are here and what we were born to do in this life.
Something to keep us interested in life and happy every waking moment.
Also, we need to have fun and some excitement on a regular basis.
Something to look forward to each day.
This might be what is missing for you, a lack of fun and frivolity.
There is also a really great book I read back in the 1980's which made a HUGE difference in my life.
That book if you haven't read it or heard of it, is called:-
"Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr Wayne Dyer.
It's a fantastic book and from within the first few pages, I instantly felt as if a heavy load had been lifted from my shoulders.
I felt lighter and much happier than I had possibly ever been in my life up until that time.
It is all about feeling good about yourself, and accepting yourself as you are - for who you are - unconditionally.
It covers everything you would ever think about in life, and is very positive in it's message.
It was first written in the 1970's, and you can still buy it to this day if you decide to do so.
You could try any good bookshop, OR, you could go onto Amazon.com and order it there.
It's written in very easy language and conversational and is quite funny throughout the whole book, as you will see.
I have to say, it's the single most book that made by far, the BIGGEST positive influence in my life.
And it's the type of book that you can read it once right through, and then in about 1 year or 2 years, you can read it again just to refresh your memory on it.
It's tremendously helpful, it really is.
I usually read it about once every 2-3 years or so.
I really recommend it.
Please consider it, it's SO worth it, I promise you.
The book is very light reading and is about three quarters of an inch thick at the most, so a week might be all it takes to finish reading it.
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