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Why do guys stop making an effort after being in a relationship for a while?

Tagged as: Dating, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 July 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 22 July 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Can someone tell me why over time guys stop giving you compliments and other things like that?

I've been with my boyfriend for over 9 months and I know he loves me but he's stop giving me compliments and never does x's on his texts when I text him anymore. We used to text each other loads but he never has credit anymore. He tells me that he 'cant be bothered' to text anymore.

For a few months he says he loves me but never compliments me anymore..?

I really do love him and he loves me, but could someone just explain why guys stop making an effort after being in a relationship for a while?



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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

i once knew a guy who moved on everytime the honeymoon period was over,pity he did not stay around to realise the best bits were yet to come

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A male reader, Leykis101 United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

Leykis101 agony auntI dont believe it's just guys that stop putting forth the effort! I believe girls hold relationships to a much higher degree then men do, I know from experience, what a girl wants out of a relationship, and what a guy wants are generally two different things, I mean they can both want the same thing, but Ive never been in a relationship where we've wanted the same things until we've made it known what those things were! 98% of guys enter into relationships with one thing as their goal! we all know what that is, I can't speak for females, because im not one, but Im pretty sure they have a different agenda then guys do, but I could be wrong!

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

k_c100 agony auntComplacency is part of it like GrimmReality says, but I also believe that there is a difference between loving someone and being "in love" with them. the "In Love" part comes at the start of the relationship, where it is all romance and infatuation. This burns away after a period of time (there is no set time, for some people this phase lasts years, others it only lasts for a couple of months). What you are left with (hopefully) is Love, and love isnt all compliments, romance and fireworks. Love is that companionship you find with that person, love is being comfortable around them, love is being their best friend and they are your best friend too. This quote sums it up better than I can!

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Too many people get worked up over not being "In Love" anymore and think it is a reason to break up with someone. But the reality is that "In Love" feeling wont last forever, and no-one should expect it to. Love is different to that feeling, and it should be cherished just as much as you cherish those first few wonderful months of a relationship.

Compliments, texting, kissing....all these things slow down a lot when you have been together a while and this is totally normal. But there is a line you have to draw between this normal occurrence and when someone takes you for granted. I think if you really feel like he has stopped valuing you all together then you need to tell him. Dont demand that he texts you 24/7 or that he tells you how beautiful you are every day, but just explain that you dont feel valued by him and that you dont feel he is putting the same effort into the relationship as he used to. Tell him it would be nice to feel special every now and again and hopefully he will try and make more effort with you.

But knowing most men, he probably wont and will just carry on as he is. Men get very comfortable in relationships and just think that their girlfriend will be around forever. I have had plenty of boyfriends who took me totally for granted and I tried time and time again to tell them what was upsetting me. They always ignored it, so I ended it and then they got upset and realised what they had lost.

Thats just the way relationships work I'm afraid, hopefully your boyfriend will be one of the good guys who will try and work on putting more effort in for you (there are some guys who will listen to your issues and try and work on it, although they are a rare breed!).

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

I don't understand what you meant by never does x's on the text anymore.

How frequent you text him? Could it be too often? Is texting expensive in your country?

Based on my experience, 9 months is almost the time when the love started to cool down. People may no longer overly do the crazy stuff but that doesn't mean the love is not there.

It is even worse if they meet each other everyday. Maybe they need to have their own time. I hope you get what I mean.

If he isn't showing any sign lack of interest, like not replying text, returning call, avoiding seeing you etc, I think you should not worry and try not to keep pushing it.

I understand how you feel because I have been your side. When you are the one worry, it simply means you love him more than he does to you. That won't be a problem in a relationship anyway.

By the way, I am a guy. I don't compliment often and not on the same thing every time I see it. That will make the compliment so fake.

Good luck :)

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A male reader, GrimmReality United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

GrimmReality agony auntComplacency

plain and simple. You are at the point where the familiarity has superceded the lovey dovey.

It happens at some point if many relationships. Thats why relationships are always works in progress. You have reached a challenge point, but not a crisis point. I would calmly explain to him that this bump in the road concerns you and that you would like to ask him where he wants to take the relatrionship.

Put the onus on him to open up to you. But once you decide what YOU want out of it as well, be firm to make sure your expectations are met as well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

i think they get bored with the relationship

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