A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Pretty much all the guys ive gone out with havent accepted me for me. I am very conservative and quiet by nature and am not into drunken parties. When I meet a guy I think i make it pretty clear what im like. I dont try to cover it up at all, i pretty much tell them im not into the whole party scene and so on. They are awlays like 'ohh yeh thats cool, i dont mind, infact im like that now too'. Then after a while, they try to change me to be the complete opposite of who i am. They say they just arnet happy with who i am. I dont understand why they would date me in the first place if they dont like who i am? why would they do this?? why would they bother? its so frustrating. i am sick and tired of attracting guys who only want to change mei n the end. its especially frustrating when they pretend they are ok with me in the beguining. advice?
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  + ♥, writes (3 April 2008):
 This is how to approach your problem:
"I think the key is try not to invest your emotions in these fellows, too soon. Don't pin any hopes on them, in the beginning. Go slow. Sometimes when females do this, what happens is they do what you are doing, they agonize and question their individualism, and then the self-doubts set in."
Guys will tell you what you want to hear initially to be with you. You are pinning your hopes (attaching expectations) on their words and then questioning yourself when they show contradictions to these words in their actions.
When we do this, we give up our power to the other person, this is what I meant by you are doing the same thing they are- jumping right in expecting the other person to be what you want. It is not enough for you to take what they say and run with it. Does that make more sense?
I was like you, totally upfront about everything and I kept getting into the same situations and when I finally realized it was my problem to fix, I changed it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAsk oldersister - thanks for ur reply. no i dont think im doing the same thing. i never tell them they should change. they often pretend to be more like me then what they really are and i dont always realise that till near the end when they start trying to make changes to me and admit who they really are. and when they do, im often ok with how they are. infact with my last bf who ended up to be completely opposite to me, he ended the relatioship because of that, not me, i was the one who thought we could work despite our differences.
Irish49- thaks for ur advice to. id like to not get so emotionally involved to early on, but i dont know how to. its really hard not to. i feel like i can not let my emotions get involved. any tips?
...............................
A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (3 April 2008):
 Nobody should try to change who you are, hun. You are thinking the wrong way here and it's dragging you down. Stop doing that, sweety. I think what should be more important, is for you to think about is 'not who you are with them' but 'who they are with you'. You sound like a nice girl who has standards and knows what she requires in a dating partner. You are dating a variety of people in the hope of finding someone compatible. Guys do the same thing with females...they scrutinize and they don't invest their feelings to begin with. They are being selective as well. Us females would be smart to adopt those traits. Finding the right guy to be happy and a good fit with, isn't won that easily in the dating world. I just don't think you have found the right person, yet...is all. And you may date a good number of fellows before you get there.
I think the key is try not to invest your emotions in these fellows, too soon. Don't pin any hopes on them, in the beginning. Go slow. Sometimes when females do this, what happens is they do what you are doing, they agonize and question their individualism, and then the self-doubts set in. And then their self-esteem takes a nose dive when the fellow says 'see ya' Don't do that to yourself. Keep a level, smart head on your shoulders and forge on.
And as Askoldersister alluded to...always, always remember, dating is a selection process. With each fellow you date, you learn something, you mature and develop your self. To the point, that someday...you will know who the right person is for you, who is best for your life, over the long term. Good luck hun and 'you' keep on choosing wisely. Take care and best wishes xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (3 April 2008):
It sounds like you are just waiting for guys who choose you instead of developing standards for yourself on what guys you want to be with.
"When I meet a guy I think i make it pretty clear what im like"- that is great, you are being honest. However, aren't you doing the same thing by not being selective- trying to change them? It's like ok, this is who I am, now it's your responsibility, mr. guy I'm dating, to change your behavior and be what I want or don't go out with me if you are going to disappoint me.
Well, that would be great if everyone was responsible enough to do that, but they aren't. It has to be up to you to not only be honest, but also take a look at the guy and if he is the partying type, don't go out with him. You are allowing people to waste your time when you don't do this. Good luck!
...............................
|
