A
female
age
41-50,
*eencheated
writes:Hi everyone, I have a couple questions that someone can answer. I was wondering when people cheat why do they all have about the same answer, it's any of these most of the time, " I didn't intend on it," "It just happened", " I wasn't looking for it", " I never set out to do it" , " I always loved you", "It didn't mean anything", why are almost all the answers the same whether it be man or woman, why isn't there just honesty when confronted and the facts are all there and you can prove it? Why all the nonsense and whatnot? I really need to understand this and someone to be honest about the why's. I appreciate anyone who can be brave enough to answer this honestly and be honest with yourself if you've ever given these answers. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): well I have never answer thoose questions but mainly is because there was prblem in the relashionship.
My answer was we were having problems.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): well I have never answer thoose questions but mainly is because there was prblem in the relashionship.
My answer was we were having problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): I had had plenty of opportunities to cheat on my wife. I often told my wife so and so was looking for sex from me. My wife always laughed about it and never seemed to give it another thought. Then I discovered my wife was cheating on me. Her excuse was she became bored. I know there is much more to that and she never was honest with me after I found her cheating, not once but lots of lies, deciet and cheating. Seeing my marriage errode, I had a chance to have sex with an old girlfriend who was in an abusive marriage. I took that chance and had lots of sex with this woman. I cheated purly out of revenge. To this day I am not sorry I cheated. My wife has stopped cheating and has been trying to get our marriage back together, but she pushed me too far from all she did to me. I do have some feelings of sorrow for cheating until I remember what hell my wife put me through. I still have trust issues that I doubt will ever go away. I am not happy with this old girlfriend I have occasional sex with. If my marriage ended today, I still would not want to run off with her or have anything more then casual sex with her. At this point I would have sex with any decent woman looking for a no strings sexual friendship. When your caught in the middle of an affair, expect anything to happen. I never dreamed I would be so willing to have sex outside my marriage until my wifes infidelity came to light. Yup, revenge sex. I like it.
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A
female
reader, kindone +, writes (14 September 2007):
 my boyfriend of 2 years got drunk one night and took our friend home. he was so drunk that he couldn't remember what he did or why but the girl remembered everything. apparenly she kissed him first and then he kissed he back and they went to her room three seconds later he was done and came home to me. do i have advice to you? yes i do. he love me i love him. if your man knows what he did was wrong and was in his right mind let him go. i know it hurts but you gotta do it. if he was to out his right mind and that happens keep him. keep your guard up get his phone and all the numbers you don't want him to have delete them all. say this is for us i cant trust you and i'm sure you understand why. stay on him call him alot and be a hawk i hope it works out for you follow your heart and you will decide i he's worthy of your love. good luck neile from wisconsin
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A
male
reader, Rollo Tomassi +, writes (14 September 2007):
Excuses for cheating are nothing more than rationales we expect others and ourselves to believe when we engage in behavior that doesn't match our stated intents. In other words, people are going to do what people want to do, even when they don't consciously realize it. Cheating necessitates 3 conditions - A stated committment to another individual of exclusivity, a reason to cheat and an opportunity to do so. For instance, I've had plenty of opportunity to cheat on my wife in my line of work, but I've never done so because my wife satisfies me and I have no reason to. Likewise a person may have every reason to cheat on their partner, but is never presented with the opportunity to do so. This is where opportunity is designed by the dissatisfied partner.As I stated, we will find ways to express our sexuality even when we don't consciously recognize we're laying the foundation to be in a position to have the opportunity to cheat (girls night out, etc.). This is where our rationalizations begin. Our unconscious knows we need an escape from a particular condition (in this case a commited partner) and begins to devise reasonings to internalize to adjust for our behaior or our preparations to engage in that behavior.Thus we get the "I was drunk, he was cute, one thing led to another and things just happened,.." reasonings. We believe it and we want others (not just our partners) to believe it also, when in fact we only did what we planned to do anyway.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Hello Beencheated,
You'll probably get a lot of different answers about this, but I'll give you my perscpective:
I used to cheat on all of my partners. And I used some of the things that you wrote. "I didn't mean to" and "I love you and the other person doesn't mean anything." The reason why I personally gave those answers is because I didn't want to reveal the truth about myself: that I had a horrid self-esteem and needed to feel wanted. I gave nonsense answers because I was ashamed of myself. So it wasn't necessarily that I found the other person attractive or better than my partner at the time, it was because I had an extremely low perception of myself. I never to this day did tell any of them why. But I know that I did really value most of the people who I was in a relationship with - I just didn't value myself. That's not an excuse, but it's what happened with me.
Anyway, I am not that person anymore. I have since bettered myself and moved on to a happier life through therapy and on my own. And I'm now married and would never, ever dream of cheating on my husband. I told him about my past and we've now been together for four years!
But if you've been cheated on, remember that it may have nothing to do with you. Perhaps your partner is just ashamed of himself like I was. He might not be ready to admit anything like this to you. It is an extremely, extremely touchy subject that you don't want anyone to know about. And nobody had a clue, either. I was very, very good at hiding this problem from everyone. I still to this day don't think anyone knows why I did what I did except for me.
But you have a choice: stay with someone who has this much emotional baggage or leave. You should look out for yourself when it comes to someone who cheats on you, even if that person is already down. It is better to split so you can find someone who you are more compatible with and so that your ex can figure out what's going on in his/her life. I know that when my partners would leave me, I would be devastated, but a part of me was happy that I wouldn't hurt them anymore. I had a real problem.
Hope I've helped shed some light on this awful subject. I wish that I didn't have an answer, but this is the type of person that I used to be. Maybe you can gather some sort of information from it to figure out what's going on in your situation.
Take care.
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