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Why did my wife ask my opinion and then do the exact opposite?

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 May 2009) 2 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, *ddie85 writes:

A few weeks ago, I got an email from my wife asking if it was all right with me to have my 18 year old stepdaughter's 20-year-old boy friend move in with us -- because he was kicked out of his house (his parents are going through a divorce). I flatly said no -- no wavering whatsoever in my answer.

That night he spent the night (with my step daughter -- in her room) and for the past 2 weeks he has lived with us (actually my stepdaughter). He is living rent-free.

He smokes dope (not in front of me -- he's a hippie wannabee), but seems to be all right in terms of not causing any problems -- but I really don't know him.

What really bothers me though is that I said no and my wife has allowed this guy to live in my house. I feel like I have no say -- in other situations I've felt that if we don't agree on something, she does it anyways.

This is pretty close to a deal breaker for me in regards to our marriage.

Anyone have any suggestions as to how to resolve this situation and what, if anything, I can do to have my opinions / needs listened to? I am pretty angry about this, but at the same time, I've been steamrolled in the past and it seems sort of business as usual.

View related questions: divorce, smokes

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2009):

So what has your wife said when you've told her all this?

It doesn't sound like you've spoken to her about it at all.

You say this is a dealbreaker, so you are threatening to divorce her over this, but then you say this happens a lot and you haven't cared enough to complain in the past.

If you have a problem, rather than coming here and moaning about it, do something about it. Sit her down and tell her how you don't feel respected, and you are having doubts about the marriage because of this. Talk about it, don't yell, stay calm and explain how you feel.

Good Luck!! xx

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A male reader, garcypher United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2009):

She apparently had already made up her mind before asking you. She was only asking on the hope that you would give her the answer she wanted and make things easier. She seems to be putting what her daughter wants before what you want even if it is unreasonable. If I was you I would simply tell him to get out and find somwhere else. If your wife sees fit to argue about it then so be it. At least you have got rid of a layabout problem. Then ask your wife to discuss things properly next time. It's all about mutual respect.

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