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Why couldn't he just be honest? Why did he play games?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2011) 3 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2011)
A female Canada age 41-50, *oses r red writes:

This guy contacted me through facebook during xmas and new year. Although I had seen him around town in nightclubs I had never noticed him otherwise. We communicated through FB for bout a month till we met up. We talked for several hours and he told me he would like us to go for something to eat together the nxt night. But I couldn't as I hadn't time to organise childcare. Anyways he text me the next night but I ignored his text as I had work the nxt morning. Following this he would continue to text me 'good morning' but as I responded he wouldn't reply. I tried to initiate dates at the weekend but he would tell me he gets 'caught up' with other things. He then went AWOL for the nxt 6 weeks but communicated that he'd gone away. On his return he told me that he'd missed me. He asked me why I couldn't meet up with him during the day. I told him its difficult getting childcare at the last minute. We met up and went back to his place were we became intimate, but I knew it was a mistake and not really what I wanted, I kind ov went along with it, but went cold, not wanting him to touch me or go near me, so it wasn't the passion he expected, but he tried to make feel confortable and asked me to lie with him while he cuddled me. He texted me the nxt night asking if I enjoyed the night. We met up couple weeks later, and he told me 'we should see this through together' (silly me not asking what he meant). Anyways I told him what happened the other night shouldn't ov happened. It was a mistake. I should of got to know him first, and some things are better left as they are. I want more. He never replied. During this time he was hugging me and squeezing my hand.

He continued to call and text and I knew my emotions would take over and became clingy asking him where

this would go. He then suddenly began avoiding my texts and calls. At that point I told him I was through and put the phone down on him as I knew I wasn't going to like what he was going to tell me. Two weeks passed without contact and he called me, I thought to patch things up, but it was to get back at me. He told me to call him later that evening but he didn't answer or reply to any texts. I texted him exactly what I felt about the situation. That emotionally I can't do it. I need more. I apologized for hanging up the phone on him. Three weeks passed no contact then he called. We got back in contact but I wondered whether he was just testing me. Aas previously when he said he would

uld come or call but didn't I would call him. I Tried to ignor him, but days later it would anger me so I then I would text him. Angry texts about 'how he hurt my feelings and knew he couldn't be honest with me as he would eventually dissapear out of my life.' After a couple of weeks we then got back in touch, me initiating this time and met up. He was really affectionate, hugging me, kissing my neck, he squeezed me reaaly tight and picked me up in the air. I asked him whether he would come out to a concert with me. His reply was 'I'll think about it'. When he left I watched him walk to his car he kept looking back at me. I called him a week later to ask about the concert. I called once he didn't answer so I called again. He asked him whether he had time to make a decision, but wouldn't give me a straight answer, which got me real wound up so I asked him why he is being dishonest with me. This appeared to get him wound up and then he told me 'I'll call you back later. That was 7 weeks ago. He hasn't called. I have seen him out and about since several times and he's avoided\ignored me.

What did I do wrong? Was he just playing games? Why couldn't he be honest? Should I call him? Its hurting me more now cos i really liked him.

View related questions: facebook, hasn't called, kissing, text

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (12 August 2011):

RedAthena agony auntWhy would you want to be friends with someone who blows you off and disregards your feelings? I am sure you could do better than that.

His friendship is not a consolation prize.

Who knows why he is acting this way..he DOES! Good friends do not blow each other like that! STOP settling.

I know 50+ year old men that act this way. One of my guy friends asked me why the woman he dated was being such a bitch when he had to cancel plans with her.

I asked, "Did you call her ASAP you knew your plans changed and let her know? Or the night of the event?"

He knew 3 days before the event.

"What happened? Did you get sick?"

"Nah, a buddy had tickets to a killer sports game. I couldnt pass that up and thought about it for awhile.."

"SO, she scheduled her time, probably picked out what she was going to wear days ahead, and was excitedly looking forward to a good time with you....and you blew her off for a sports event at the last minute? Unless it was some Worlds Series or Major Playoff or a Rock Star invited you...really?"

"Well I thought she would was my buddy, etc.."

"No wonder she is pissed at you and does not want to see you. You disrespected her time and her feelings."

Darling, if he is ignoring you..he is not interested romantically or in friendship. If he contacts you, it is a matter of convienience, boredom, or a lack of better things to do. It does not mean anything is wrong with you, but you seriously need more confidence and believe that you deserve better.

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A female reader, roses r red Canada +, writes (12 August 2011):

roses r red is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank but can anyone tell me why we can't be still be friends. I would like that. Were adults 'right'. He's nearing on forty. Why's he behaving this way seems like he's avoiding/ignoring me when he sees me.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (12 August 2011):

RedAthena agony auntYou were both playing games, but each of you had different rules. You got involved in a hook up and kept hoping it would turn into a real relationship because he said the right words (most of the time). You slept with him without knowing him, bonded to him, and because he didnt have the same connection and got hurt and angry.

You are requiring more from someone one emotionally that showed you from the VERY START of communication that he did not take things very seriously.

I think you had great hopes and were excited about the prospects of a new relationship and lover. But, you made choices to spend time with him without really knowing his charachter.

Something you mentioned caught my eye...

"He asked me why I couldn't meet up with him during the day. I told him its difficult getting childcare at the last minute"

Any man who really wants to spend time with you, will make PLANS with you ahead of time. He knew you had a child, right? If he was only trying to see you in the daytime, I hate to say, but chances are his evenings were spent with someone else.

Why could he not be honest with you? Because as long as he could get what he wanted without much effort, he was ok with not being direct. He blew your concert invitation off too. That shows he was not that into you. If he really had something else more important to do but loved the idea of spending time with you...he would not have said..let me think about it. He would have said something like.."Oh wow, that would be great, let me check my schedule and get back to you tommorrow?" He could have been considerate and let you know he was unavailable, so you could make other arrangements.

He never had consideration for you.

Did you do something wrong...well yes. He was not reliable to begin with, yet you kept giving him a chance, and here it is nearly 2 mos later and you are still upset by it?

You made some poor choices here by hanging on too long and keep picking at the wound. You opened up a spot for him in your life and heart before he EARNED the right to be there.

He was not around for a long time, only a good time.

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