A
female
age
,
*londie1961
writes:I could not cope with the threesome my partner had with his ex wife and her female friend and have ended my relationship with him because of this. I could not get it out of my head and kept thinking of the three of them together. Now that I am alone I have no sense of relief as my thoughts are still focused on this. I have had my fair share of male sexual partners but it has always been on a one to one basis. I could have coped better had he have had far more sexual partners than this threesome. Does anyone out there have any ideas as to why I am like this?
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ex-wife, his ex, sexual past, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mesha  +, writes (10 November 2010):
I wanted to add something further. You had since left this person, you should be able to put this behind you and move on. If you were still with him, and you were struggling to cope, i would suggest counselling for you or for both of you together if he really loves you. This type of sexual history / past can damage relationships especially when you find out later, it can change everything.
I dont understand why he would have to tell you that this threesome took place? what was he trying to gain by boasting and hurting you in the meantime.
I think since he is out of your life, cut him off and get on with healing. He will repeat the same message to the next women in his life and it's possible she will feel repulsed and react like you did. If you dnt fix it the issue straight away, it's like rust.
You deserve better. Yes, being honest with your sexual past is ok if you had asked him, like me...mine was to do with fantasty's and he mis heard me....so he was slightly shocked and embarrassed and was terrified i would never want to see him again. But i did continue to see him. We have not spoken of it since.
He's a decent man, and he was very young at the time, he has since then, married and had children, divorced and been single and had other girlfriends, then he met me.
All the best to you my love. Get strength and get over this loser.
A
female
reader, mesha +, writes (10 November 2010):
I am really sorry this happened to you. Did you talk this over with him? What was his response?
Even though it happened before you, learning of this afterwards can be a shock and it's natural to see him in a different way sexually. This can be hard. And it can be all men's fantasy, but when it's for real it's a different matter, sometimes.
I met a new man, i am still with him a year later. He is now 50 i am 39. We talked about fantasy's and i wanted to know what his fantasy was....he blabbed out he had a threesome with two women....i said this was talking about fantasy's. So he told me what happened in some detail some of the sex acts, he was honest. He paid for sex through a sex agency. I felt turned on, but afterward i felt differently about him, it bothered me... i had to tell him. I did cry, it was hard....He assured me he was very young in his early twenties, and before he got married. He felt terrible for me. he reassured me and although it was a mistake from him, he felt comfortable telling me as nobody, not even his male friends new about this. I wanted assurance that i felt inadaquate since he's experienced two women at the same time. He said no....he said that he was not a sexually experienced person that's why he did it. He was'nt confident with sex, and he thought this would help him. Every now and then i get the shudders when i think of him, but that was years ago.
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A
female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (23 June 2010):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to all who replied.
His ex wife and her friend (the two women in the threesome) are a pair of snobs who look down on everybody. Perhaps, it's the snobbery I can't stand more than the threesome. These two women allowed him to watch them as they took turns at each other (and whilst his wife was "eating" her friend out he was at her friend's breasts, lifting his head to watch his wife every now and then, then vice versa. Then they both allowed him to take turns at both of them until he orgasms into the friend. After his orgasm the friend leaves to go home to her own house where her husband is. Then he snuggles down to sleep with his wife. How can that two women be snobs? Both of them are fat birds too with huge breasts down to their waist. I am slim and fit and their threesome hurts me. His wife hurts me each time she looks down her nose at me.
I won't ever go back to him but I won't ever ask so many questions again in any future relationship I have.
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A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (10 June 2010):
 I don't see how you could put anything together in terms of why it happened. He's the only one that could guess at that. In my mind you aren't missing a thing. It happened, and that's that. What you choose to do in light of it is all up to you. I don't blame you for leaving - contrary to what many people will say, I know the hurt that happens when someone does something that you can't understand . . . you see yourself and that person in light of that thing. It's as though it's part of them now - but the only way that you can decide where to go with it, to get back with him or to stay apart, is to weigh out the pros and cons of each situation. It is possible to make progress with one another, to forget, to heal, but only you know if it's worth it. I imagine that in some cases it is, and in some it is not. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (10 June 2010):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for answering. There was something in each answer that helped. He has been on the phone trying hard to get back with me. Had the threesome been two men and one woman, I could have coped easily, but two women, no.
The two women involved, although both married, had been lesbian lovers together for a long time before the threesome happened. Why did those two women have to do the threesome with him? Is there something I am missing? Something I am failing to put together?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 It's not unusual for people to focus on a very specific part of their partners sexual history and obsess over it.
Why it's this particular part... it's hard to say. Perhaps you should consider going to therapy for a while: working through this in with a therapist is probably the most direct way to find out why it bothers you so much. The chances are the answer is right in front of you but you can't see it because you don't want to: because seeing these things usually forces us to recognize our own weaknesses and deficiencies. Something that is uncomfortable and difficult.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): I agree with the other people. What probably does this to you is the fact that there were two women, so you cannot imagine ever being able to give him an experience that matches it.
What he did may have been so great or it may not. A lot of times threesomes are more fun in the imagination than in the execution. They might have complex feelings involved that pollute the scene or they might just feel like the attention and fun is unbalanced between the 3 people.
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A
female
reader, inspired22  +, writes (8 June 2010):
I know how you feel ..I too have known too much about someone I loved and worried like crazy after finding out.. but maybe you should try to see the positive.
That was before you.
He told you about it..so that shows you can trust him.
Like you said ..Everyone has a past..and I for one would not want to be judged off my past..the past usually isnt who someone is anymore and its not fair to judge them off it.
Maybe you two could try to talk and come to terms with what bothered you so much...
To me it doesnt seem like a good enough reason to lose someone you love dearly.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (8 June 2010):
 The best thing was to let him go, if dealing with his past was to much for you to handle.
Just keep in mind that whatever he did before you was before you.
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A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (8 June 2010):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/obsessed-with-my-wifes-past.html
here is another string that has a lot of good ideas in it (not mine) You can also search for "sexual past" in the search option up there on DearCupid, and come up with more things than you might even want to read. I'm still doing it myself. Just be aware that people's responses to these things vary a LOT and that not everyone on here is kind hearted or understanding. Some are though, as you will find out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Because you can never "live up" to what happened in the threesome. He could have had sex one-on-one with a thousand women, and chances are, you could have given him excellent one on one time, etc. However, because those other TWO women gave this guy pleasure, you can never live up to TWO people pleasuring him at once. Thus, you feel inadequate and your self esteem can't get past that mental picture, so there you are.
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A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (8 June 2010):
I am going through something pretty similar, but I am trying not to divorce over it. A lot of the responses I have gotten have not been helpful, but some have. It's a lot to read, but you may find some of it applies to you and your situation. All I can say is that you aren't alone, and you are not entirely in the wrong. This shit hurts! Yours, Kama
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-anonymous-flings-and-oral-sex-differ.html
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