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Why can't I get past first dates?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 14 May 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'm suffering from a really bad 18 months or so of dating, all the dates have been from various apps like Tinder or Bumble but the most dates with one girl in that time is four. However, recently it's got really bad... I haven't had a second date since September 2018!

I'm pretty confident and don't really get nervous on dates (after all, I've been on too many!) and whenever I get feedback etc. from these women it's always along the lines of "you're really nice guy, I had a great time but I just don't see it romantically etc..."

So, now all I can think is it's something about my phyiscal appearance or how I behave on dates that is turning women off. I have no idea why they don't seem to interested as soon as they meet me, it makes me sound like I'm a catfish or something but my photos do look like me! I actually choose ones where I don't look great to be sure there are no great expectations.

Can help me to identify what it might be? What kind of thing would a guy do a date that would turn you off romantically?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe it's the "pool" of women from which you pick? I mean... Tindr? Bumble? Those are mainly HOOK UP apps. So you will get a bag of mixed nuts, so to speak.

When you consider the girls you pick, how much do you REALLY know about them from their profile? How they look some 1-2 line snarky/funny pitch?

The thing is you CAN NOT know until you MEET in person and have ACTUAL conversations if you are a fit or not.

Another thing might be the ACTUAL date. Do you seem sincere, too serious? It's hard to gauge yourself, I get that but maybe switch up what you are doing or where you are going.

What are your hobbies? What do you ENJOY?

Now THAT can be a great starting point to get to know someone better, IF you share something in common.

Lower your expectations. Don't go on dates with the mindset that THIS GIRL is going to be my GF!! Or I NEED to get a second date!!

MAKE the first date SHORT and sweet. Make it fun. Maybe even make it about her. As in, DO keep a little "mystery" about yourself, try and get her to talk, don't interrupt (even if you have an anecdote or I've done that too or been there too..) that can wait until AFTER she tells her story.

Where you might it wrong is because YOU want to attract everybody. But no, you just want to attract those people who match with you. So finding out in ONE date that this girl or that girl IS NOT a match, it's a good thing. It means you don't have to waste any more time on THAT or THIS one.

Watch their body language. People can FAKE many things but they rarely consistently fake body language.

Watch their feet after you have sat down a little while. If their feet are pointing at you, that is good - they are interested. If the feet are kind of out to the side, it means they’re planning their escape route. The further away our limbs are from our brain, the harder it is for us to control them. And really if it's the latter you can make up and excuse and end the date if you like because SHE is not only uncomfortable, she is not interested. Who knew you can tell so much by the feet?!

Shoulders facing you? Interested. She doing the "Selfie-side shoulder thing" not interested.

Eye contact. Not a constant STARE but keep eye contact when talking or listening.

If she is constantly checking her phone.. NOT interested or nervous and maybe even bored.

Know what you are looking for. And I don't mean JUST in looks, I mean in personality.

KNOW what you have to offer. But always consider self improvement.

Take a month of two off from dating and just socialize with friends, go out, hang out, chill and ENJOY their company. Someone who is NOT looking seems to "find" or bump into that special person more often than the one who is on the "hunt".

Try it.

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A female reader, Aunty Susie Australia +, writes (14 May 2018):

Aunty Susie agony auntPhysical turn offs could be: if you had bad breath, were a smoker, stale smelling clothes, dirty shoes. Otherwise, talking about yourself continually. Do you ask your dates questions about themselves? Do you show an interest in what they like to do? Do you make nice and flattering comments? "You look lovely tonight" "I really like that colour on you" "I really like how you do your hair". Oh, and don't talk about previous girls you've dated. For me, having a laugh is the big winner.

Maybe you could try looking for dates elsewhere. Mixed sports such as basketball, netball, touch football, somewhere you meet as a group, but then maybe you'll meet your next date.

Take care xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2018):

I know how you feel . Ive now lost count to how many first dates ive had , im thinking the date went well and the guy is ideal but then thats it i never get a 2nd date. You are a lot younger than me so you have plenty of time dating . Read about mirroring someone , its if she has a drink then you have a drink at the same time if she puts her hand on her hair give your hair a slight touch . do you treat the date as 'friends' do you flirt ? i would think the same ' what is wrong with me ' but there's nothing wrong its just not met the right person yet. if you tend to stick to the same kind of date eg. going to a pub / coffee, maybe try something different like ice skating , bowling . you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find your princess. Just put things down to experience

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