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He cheated on his wife. I don't want to be the next person he hurts

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 24 May 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been seeing a really great guy who makes me laugh and is fantastic with my son. He is a great dad to his own children with his soon to ex wife, (in the process of getting a divorce), and everything seems perfect.

When I first met him through online dating, he was honest with me and told me his marriage ended because he cheated on his wife, and that he didn't expect me to still be interested once he had told me. I guess because it was still in the just chatting stage I didn't mind and by the time I had met him and got to know him, I didn't really even think about what he had told me. We've been seeing each other for about 5 months now and we've recently started to go on 'family' days with all our kids. I told my friend about what he had told me in the very beginning and she told me to be careful. Recently she has mentioned it more and more about how we are getting quite serious but I haven't really decided how I feel about what he told me. I know he didn't cheat on me, and I know he didn't have to tell me but I feel like I don't want to be the next person he hurts. He hasn't really told me much about what happened, all I know is it wasn't just the once with the same girl. Do I bring it up? Ask him to explain what happened or should I just leave it since everything else is going so well?

View related questions: divorce, ex-wife

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A female reader, Katie26 United States +, writes (24 May 2018):

The safest thing to do is not in predicting his actions but your reactions to it. Like Honeypie mentioned, it is a red flag. Although, I don't mean to say once a cheater, always a cheater. Because there are times when mistakes could change someone forever, but only those who are able to accept their mistake and understand what led them in the first place. A good decision would be to openly talk to him, especially because you are getting to know each other. Express your trust on him and let him know you want to understand what happened without any judgment. Let him give his version and it is up to you to decide if you want to believe him or not. A man who regrets his mistake will be more willing to put the effort to gain your trust. And, if instead he plays the blame game or gets defensive about his mistake, it shows he is not ready to own up to his mistake and has likely not changed. Plus, this is the situation where you absolutely cannot ignore other reg flags in this relationship.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHe can't make a guarantee that he will NEVER hurt you or cheat on you. It would be an semi-empty promise.

Do you need all the sordid details to decide if you want to keep seeing him or not? No, he doesn't OWE you all the details. Besides you would ONLY get HIS version. Which might not be the entire truth. And you would still have this lingering doubt. He doesn't OWE you an explanation.

He cheated multiple times while married. He GAVE his wife a solemn oath to be faithful, he made the vows - yet STILL chose to cheat on her. There really IS no good excuse for cheating. It's a choice. A piss poor choice.

Either the cheating is IN the past along with any stupid life choices YOU made - he made - OR it's a warning sign that THIS can happen again.

Now what you CAN talk to him about is HOW it all makes you feel. SET clear boundaries for what is OK and what is NOT OK. And then you HAVE to decide if you can trust this (still married) man or not. If he WANTS to disclose what happened and why, then sure, listen and ask questions. The thing is, it might not give you clarity at all.

He might NEVER cheat again. He might. Like I said there are NO guarantees that this (or any other) man won't hurt you.

If you wish to proceed, then go OH OH so slow. No moving in together, no trying to make an instant blended family. Just take your time getting to REALLY know him.

For me, it IS a red flag. But so is being on a dating site when the guy is still married.

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