A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The last couple of guys who have been interested in dating me have all asked this question. From the little they know about me ( in the phase just before dating), they state how amazing of a catch I am, and wonder why it is that nobody has scooped me up by now ( if not for marriage, at least as a girlfriend). Mind you, they have no idea how long I've been single for; all they see is my outer appearance and a little bit of my personality and they want to know what the deal is.I really don't know how to react to this. I wonder if they think this is a red flag and it puts them off?? I usually play it cool and don't show them that I'm offendedI can tell you, that personally, I don't meet nearly as many men in my daily life as they believe I do, but the ones I do are not evenly matched with me for one reason or another ( they want casual sex/I don't; they never finished high school/I have a masters degree; they have been married and have kid(s)/I have not experienced this; different values etc)I'm not this pinup model that they have in their head who gets men throwing themselves at her 24/7!! I should be asking them why they're single too!!Am I being overly sensitive? should I be insulted that they're basically saying "whats wrong with you?" or just take it as a compliment?? How should I be reacting??By the way I'm 30 Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2015): What a wonderful topic for an article! Girlfriend you're right up my ally! Can we talk?!!! Seriously?!!!
Hell no, sweetie! You're not being oversensitive. You don't need to explain. You're mysterious! Off the chain! A female phenomenon! Let them discover on their own who you are; and not just judge you by your appearance. You are selective, know your value, and you have your own sense of self. You're the rare type who doesn't feel you need a man in order to feel complete. You want a man to supplement your life, someone to care for, and to care for you. Plain and simple. You could have taken the first guy who came along, shrugged your shoulders, and just surrendered yourself.
You didn't!
I feel you, girlfriend! Been there and done that! I love a post that speaks to me as a person. Yours does! Let's pour the tea!
I was in a relationship for 28 years. My partner died of cancer. I became celibate for over a year due to grief, and I was not sure how to re-enter the dating scene; because he was the first and only man I had ever loved. I dated women first. I love women, but I was never in-love with a woman. I even enjoyed sex with women. Just couldn't connect emotionally; because I'm gay. Not bi-sexual. Gay! If you've never had sex with anyone, sex is good anywhere you can find it. Until you find what you really need, and accept who you really are. That's another story.
We met in our teens, became best friends and pen pals. He lived in another state; and we met while my family and I were vacationing in his home state. Although we stayed in-touch; we went our separate ways and got our educations. He became a lawyer; and I went into the military, then went to college. I graduated and entered the corporate world. While in college, we came out to each other; and decided we'd be lovers. We had a wonderful long-term relationship. With the typical issues couples have. We loved each other, learned to work out the kinks, and it thrived. After he died, I just casually dated; and just didn't look for a relationship. I had good friends, a wonderful loving family, and a good career. I love to help people.
I was asked that same question over and over. You're a nice looking guy, you have a great job, and you're still single?
They assumed I was a psycho, narcissistic, too picky; or just thought I must be full of myself, and thinking I was too good for anybody. I was just trying to pull my life together. I was looking for guys who like me for me, not for how I look; or what I have (or have in my pants). After he died, I was dormant inside; because of my grief. I couldn't connect emotionally/romantically. I needed some time, and dated hoping to find a spark. I met a series of fruits and nuts along the way. I had little experience in dating men. Women are so much more kind, accepting, and open about your emotions. Guys are great, but for gay men; looks are very important. I have stories I could tell you over a bottle of wine. We'd both be sobbing in our wine glasses at the end! I'm sure you've got stories too!
A neurosurgeon who wanted to tie me up and stick needles in me, a colonel into leather and cross-dressing, and a string of married-men who just wanted to fool around with a gay guy. I was not ready for this. I missed my partner. Nobody likes kissing, romance, and just making-out. They wanted sex on the first date, sex without condoms, and an assortment of sex acts I couldn't believe exist in real-life. I'm no prude mind you. I love sex. Sex has to have some meaning; even if we don't become boyfriends. I was celibate only because I was numb. Lost in grief.
I thought I could live a while without it; but not completely. I ain't dead!!! I have a very healthy sexual-appetite. So does my current boyfriend! Who found me when I wasn't even looking. He's hot, girl! I mean hot hot! Glad I waited! There is a God! If you've ever doubted!
Sweetheart, don't take it personally. They are just curious because you're a novelty. They assume things, thinking from the superficial perception that looks makes finding love easy. Sex maybe, not love. Popularity, perhaps; but why do beauty queens, gorgeous actors, models, and celebrities commit suicide? Turn to drugs and alcohol, or shop-lifting?
The have looks, money, and fame. Real love is hard to find.
Love is evasive, and it finds you, and connects you when it's good and ready. You can look endlessly, and just get frustrated. Only time and destiny will tell.
Pretty people often look for perfection, but fail to see real people for real people. Looking good together isn't love. It's presentation. Feeling good together is fertile ground for love. That's the secret. But you have to give it time to grow, see whats inside a person, and get to know each other. Avoid unrealistic expectations, have something to give in return, and not over-romanticize over what real love is. It isn't like in the movies and romance novels; but it is a wonderful feeling that can't really be put into simple words. It's good, bad, confusing, inspiring, gives you courage, takes you down, makes you lie, tell the truth, and pisses you off.
I try to teach this to young people; but it's hard to get across. You have to learn first-hand, as I did. Go through a string of heartbreaks until your eyes are open. I think you're on the right track, but you're concerned guys think there's something wrong with you. Maybe they do, but you know better than that. They are judging you by their own experiences and the media. Not by knowing you.
I got dumped by the first guy I allowed myself to fall and
feel for. I give him credit for awakening that part of me. Most people would just hate him for dumping them. I don't. I needed what he gave me. He was rich, hot, but secretly creepy. I tried to downplay what I knew. I just wanted him so badly. Bad idea. Really bad. Pay attention to red-flags!
I mean really!!!
When he blind-sidedly dumped me, he made a prediction. He said I deserved someone better. I thought he was it. Well, he was right. I deserved someone better, and we found each other. I wrote articles here on DC after I got dumped. The wonderful and insightful aunts and uncles here, and readers, saved me at a sad time in my life. They don't know how much I owe to them all for being here for me. I read my own story through others, and got advice I use in my own life. Now I help others based on my personal life-experience. Wonderful people like you!
You go girl!
Take your time to find real love. They will get to know you and see who you really are, if they take the time to do so.
Never apologize for being a smart strong woman. You are a gem, and only a prince of a guy deserves a woman like that. Never get a swelled head or conceited, thinking you're 10X your value; but know who you are. Settle for only what you deserve. Make sure when you find that right guy; you give him no less than he deserves. Give a good honest man a chance; even if his looks may not be that impressive. He may offer you true love, and bring out the best in you. You'll know it when you find it. Even when others can only see him from the outside, you see who he is from the inside out. He can still be sexy, romantic, funny, powerful, and affectionate. All the things I want and found. I can forgive his faults, and he can forgive mine. The looks were coincidental. If he loses them over the years; he still has a heart of gold. That is what I need and waited for. I'm not getting any younger; so we're on the same page about that. His life-story was different, but he turned out pretty good for me. That's all that matters.
I loved your question. It inspired me to express myself. God bless you!
You are single because you are not committed at the moment, your options are open, and you know what you want. Why are they still single? Because they're still looking for a woman like you! Or, a guy like me! If they make snap-judgements about you, they aren't right for you anyway!
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 November 2015):
It is just conversation, to learn about the other person so I dont think you should take it offensively or as a compliment either. I am nearing 30 and single myself and I get asked this a few times. I admit it is hard to ignore but people are just curious, which is the same as you or I, as everyone has their own interesting story. You should just play it off, and say something simple like "you just haven't found the right one yet". Then proceed to ask them about their situation as well to keep the conversation going.
I've noticed that couples hook up and marry much younger in this generation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 November 2015):
 I do think there is an odd double-standard about hitting 30 for a woman and a man. While many think that by 30 a woman SHOULD be settled down with kids it's not considered strange that some men are still single.
I would NOT take it as an insult. Though I do get the undercurrent of "what is wrong with you for still being single" I would just refuse to accept that it's a bad thing to be single at 30!
To quote a fictional character from Austenland ( by Shannon Hale )
The main character is asked WHY she is still single at 30+ and she says:
"I am single because apparently the only good men are fictional.’” (Jane)
I think for you it's a PERFECTLY good time to say, I haven't yet met someone whom I could see myself with long term. Not because I am to "picky" but because I'm not willing to lower my standards to casual sexual relationships when THAT is not what I'm looking for, but what I am mostly being offered.
There is NOTHING wrong with you OR your standards. So stick by your guns and honestly, ask them the same question. Fair is fair, right?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2015): I would take this as a compliment. Perhaps they are trying to be nice and they want you to like them back. Dating can be difficult, especially in the early days. I think these men just want to say that you area lovely lady and they cant believe you have agreed to go out with them. I wouldn't see it as a red flag at all.
If it bothers you, then simply say something like "I just haven't met anyone I wanted to spend my life with yet". That is the truth afterall. I was exactly the same. I didn't meet my husband until I was 29.
We all have different priorities in our lives. There are no rules as to when we should find a partner, settle down, have a family, etc. Move at your own pace and the right person for you will move alongside.
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