A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:wel here goes...my boyfriend of one yr had a fiance of 8 yrs, had two kids with her.I can be a very jealous person anyways and am booked in to see a counsellor in the New Year.however, the holidays has thrown up a lot of jealous emotions for me. Me and John are both jealous people, he is insecure cos I have been out with loasds of guys and he wonders how he compares but I am just insanely jealous of his ex.I check her facebook page everday and ask friends "do u think she's pretty?" and feel like shit if they say she is!I am jealous that they were together so long.I ask who did you love more? and he says "love is love. I loved her at the time but now I love you" (which makes me feel shitty) Then I feel really insecure cos they got along great until 7 years into the relationship and they never argued but they somehow drifted apart. He says he started to fall out of love with her cos he got bored - when I ask what he says bored of the routine, bored of the same conversations and just generally unhappy. They also stopped having sex, which he also thinks drifted them apart.I am absolutely torn to shreds thinking - they should still be together. She was more perfect for him cos unlike me, she is easygoing and not easily angered (i am known for being firey)and I feel that what they went through was just the 7 year itch, that most people manage to get through, but they didn't cos they didn't probably have the right advice from other people telling them to work through it, or this is normally what happens in a long term relationship after 7 years or so.They had more friends as couples, we are still establishing this element. He says he doesn't live in the past and never thinks about anything to do with that side of things unless it is to do with his kids. When she kicked him out it took him a few months to be ready to date again even though he says he (towards the end of the relationship) loved her more as a sister towards the end. why am i so obsessed with this.....i am causing allsorts of arguments through my jealousy of their relationship
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facebook, fiance, his ex, I love you, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Hi,
I am the person that submitted the original question.
He was split from her for 7 months before we got together. He was over her when we got together but did compare us a lot to begin with (he denies this now!!) but we split up for two to three weeks after the 1st month of dating cos he said it was a "culture shock" being with someone like me after being used to her for 8 years, and I guess this adds to my paranoia. He also said he wasn't sure he was ready for another relationship and couldn't commit 100%.
Well he came back and said he could commit to me 100% and further along the line has done much to reassure me in that he says "he wouldn't swap me for anyone at all."
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): You need to stop obsessing over his ex, that is not good for you or your relationship.
I agree with anonymous writer.
Keep this up and your relationship will be ruined.
I think its great that you will see a psychiatrist, try and work with your issues, because that kind of Jealousy is never healthy.
Stop it with the facebook thing! that is crazy you are adding wood to the fire!
stop it, block her facebook page so that you can´t see it even if you want to.
Don´t compare yourself to his ex or think that she was easy going
and better than you, That is not loving yourself!
Maybe he likes that you have a little fire in you,
a good argument every now and then can be good for a relationship.
Remember to love yourself and you will be able to love each other =)
I was recently dumped by a girl that I loved very much and really cared
for and I really saw a future with her. All because she was totally obsessed with my Ex for a really stupid reason and she could not see all the love, caring and attention I was giving her because of her selfishness and obsession with my Ex. This obsession destroyed something that could have been beautiful and wonderful, we could have had a bright future together, but everything was ruined by this stupid Idea, He loved her more, He cant forget her.
Please don´t make the same mistake and destroy what you guys have and
could have.
Don´t be selfish and demand that you have to be loved the most, that is stupid, love i love and he loves you now, that means he is giving you his best right now.
Live in the now, and look towards the future
Remember to love yourself and you will be able to love each other =)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Who ended their relationship? If he did, then you ought to be a little leery of this, though not for the reasons you're thinking. If eight years, two kids and an engagement weren't enough to get him to commit to her, do you think he will make a lasting commitment to you? (I'm not saying he won't; obviously I don't know either of you. But it's worth considering.) Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): Keep it up and you will run him off. He will get tired of the drama and move on.
You need to just relax and get off his back. Know why he's with you? Because he wants to be with you and not the other people he could be with. Keep it that way by making it fun to be with you.
Think about it.
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A
female
reader, chita22  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 I kind of don't blame u that's a lot of shoes to fill. But that's why he's w/u youer different and he's not bored w/u. I'm pretty sure if u keep bringing it up while he's realy trying to get over it youyr just making it worst for yourself. Your pretty much reminding him of her when all focus should be on u. If u can't handle it now then u shouldn't be in a relationship w/this guy he has to much bagage for u to handle. The only thing u should be doing is focus on your relationship and make it your own. If he wanted his old realtionship trust me they would be together. So u realy need to stop being so obsessive about her and move on just as they did.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (26 December 2010):
 hi i understand perfectly how you feel but think of this... if she was so perfect for him he would still be with her. you seem to have an issue with your confiedence in yourself which i think you would really benefit from dealing with and i hope the counselling you have aranged will address this. your negative thoughts are hurting YOU more than anyone else but YOU are the one perpetuating this and YOU are the only one who can stop it. stop asking him 'who did you love more'coz his answer has no credibilty with you as you know what you beleive the true answer to be, no matter what he says! you dont mention how long you have been with him and how long he and his ex were split up when you met him. you are going to lose this man if you continue with this behaviour i think. i hope you can start to feel much more secure with him in time, coz if not you will have a very stressful future together and not only that but you may take these feelings into your future relationships too. now that we are thirty somethings the majority of men we meet will have kids and long term exes behind them. i hope you can change the way you think and i hope i remember to take my own advice next time i am in a situation like this.xx
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