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Is it right to ask her out now she is divorced?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 June 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 June 2017)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I'm a single guy in my 40's. Two of my female friends have a friend that they used to work with who is in her late 30's - I'll call her Shirley. I met her a few times in casual social settings like going to the farmer's market and I always found her to be attractive. She is tall with long red hair and she stands out in a room. One time she even went camping with a group of us so I know her but I don't know her well. The thing is that she was married so I never considered her anything other than a platonic friend.

I found out yesterday through one of my female friends that she recently got divorced. I did not know this, but I guess she had been separated from her husband for almost a year. He moved to another state for school and a "change of lifestyle" mid-life crisis sort of thing. He wanted her to move with him, but she didn't want to leave her job and her friends here. She got tired of trying to convince him to come back and suspected he may have started cheating on her so she decided to file for divorce. The divorce is now finalized.

She told my friend that she wanted to get out more and have some fun. She suggested that perhaps we could all go camping again because she enjoyed that. I do like her and I think we get along. How would I know when she's ready to start dating again? I mean, I don't even know if she's into me at all so she may tell me she's not interested even once she's ready to date again, but after how long might I ask her out without it seeming crass?

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (20 June 2017):

Danielepew agony auntI would say, put all three answers below together, and that's your general answer. Good luck.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (19 June 2017):

Phil052 agony auntI would tread carefully given her recent divorce, but the camping trip sounds an ideal opportunity to get to know her better, and to see if you have enough in common to form the basis for a relationship. Good luck!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 June 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntA camping trip, where you can try to spend a bit of time with her as a friend, sounds like a great idea. While I appreciate men are very visual creatures, it sounds like you actually know little about her at the moment except that she is attractive.

Be aware that, being attractive and newly divorced, she may have potential suitors hovering around her, some out of genuine interest and some because divorcees are often seen as "easy pickings". My advice would be to come across as friendly but not predatory. Ask her how she has been since the last camping trip and see if she volunteers any information. Listen to her if she wants to talk. Don't make the common male mistake of trying to "fix" things for her (unless it is something to do with the camping trip, like helping put up tents, etc). Just listen.

If you find you spend quite a bit of time together on this trip and get on well (it shouldn't be too hard to figure out if she likes spending time with you or tries to avoid you), then suggest to her you meet up for coffee sometime. Don't come on heavy by suggesting a romantic meal in an expensive restaurant as that may scare her. If you see her at farmers' markets, ask her if she is going to the next one, look out for her and say something like "Do you fancy a coffee? I was just going for one." and see if she takes up the offer. Aim to be her friend before thinking about dating her.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 June 2017):

My dating advice is a little different when we're talking about mature people in our late 30's, and over 40.

My advice is consistent about a few things. I wouldn't be quick to pursue someone recently-divorced, or coming out of a recent breakup. Emotions are pretty raw, they're making mental-adjustments to their new freedom, and they've still got some healing to do. Finalization of a divorce still has to sink-in.

Most people are either in a state of numbness, or want to go buck wild! The subconscious-mind has to absorb the reality that they are no longer married. There's still a little bit of their ex in their system. Separation for women is more emotional than for us males. They can cut you loose and forget you quickly, but you still have to let residual-feelings subside. The aftermath of the legal process may leave a little venom in the blood. Watch out!

If you let your maturity and experience keep you at the right pace, asking her out might be fine after a month or so. Let her get her bearings. She's better-off mingling and hanging-out with her lady-friends right-now.

She might be harboring a little bitterness or disappointment in the male-species right now.

If you both were in your twenties and never married; my advice would be different. She's experienced and would not rush into anything. She is looking for a little fun and you both run in the same circle of friends.

I would say at this stage, just get acquainted and feel out her state of mind and personality.

Don't be too quick to ask for a date. She might be aware that you've heard things by way of gossip, if you come-on too quickly. She knows her friends are out feeling around and telling all eligible-bachelors she's free. Lady-friends of my own say that's not really cool. Guys come after them because they think recent-divorcees are easy and needy. I listen when the ladies chat among themselves! I get great insight and a better understanding of their feelings.

They also consider dating younger guys! Keep that under your hat!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHow long was she married? And how long has the divorce been final?

Saying you are ready for some "fun" doesn't mean she is ready for a serious relationship and it might also mean that 1. she is a BIT vulnerable right now and 2. you would only be a rebound.

Why NOT help arrange a weekend camping trip? And then spend a little time getting to know her. If she seems interested IN you, THEN ask her out?

You say she is attractive but how is her personality? Her values? Her life in general? Great, she is pretty... doesn't mean she would be a good partner. know what I mean?

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