A
female
age
51-59,
*om in need of advice
writes:My 16 year old son has his first serious girlfriend whom he has been dating a few months. At first I liked her well enough but lately they spend so much time together I have been feeling jealous of the time and affection that he gives to her and not me. I am happy he is happy but my feelings toward her has been causing a lot of friction between my son and I and his girlfriend and I. I never thought I would be that mom who got jealous over her sons affections but maybe I am. Can someone tell me why I feel this way and how to go about making it better between my son and I?
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female
reader, Mom in need of advice +, writes (23 March 2011):
Mom in need of advice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank everyone who responded very much. All of your answers were helpful. I will take your advice!
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 Being a mother has been a central part of your identity for the past 16-17 years (at least). It can be hard to change your role from one of 24/7 care-giver when your children are small, to advisor and enabler as they enter their teens. In one respect you have to settle for being content - your boy is having a successful personal relationship and that is probably down to your good parenting! I think one way you can deal with it is to develop new interests outside being a mum. As your boy is now more independent then so can you be - get out and about more and do all those things you dreamed of when he was a baby in arms who needed you all the time.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I'll try to help you by telling my own experience with this.My dad had and still has the same problem you do with my fraternal twin brother's girlfriend. She is my brother's first and only girlfriend since he got with her at age 20; they've been together for 4 years and it's looking like they will be in it for the long haul. His girlfriend couldn't be a more perfect girl: loving, generous, mature, gorgeous (Eastern European), brilliant (PhD in math at UChicago), and kind. My brother has not been the best at keeping in touch with my parents (his own fault) since going to college and then grad school, so my dad often blames his girlfriend, which is totally unfair. My dad is a good man and cares for my brother's girlfriend a lot, but he has problems with blurting out very mean and hurtful things when he's angry or jealous, and some of these comments have gotten back to my brother's girlfriend. Sometimes I feel bad for my dad, because I know he's very proud that his son could get a girlfriend like this girl, but he just doesn't have a good filter on what he says. This has caused strife in our entire family, because as far as my mother and I are concerned, this girl is family, and I will get into huge arguments with my father in defending her. Well, here's where it came to a head: last year my brother was home from school for Christmas and his girlfriend was home in Romania. Her father had been very sick and while she was home he died. It was very important to my brother's girlfriend and my brother that he go be with her during this time (she would get him the ticket), but my father felt she was trying to 'steal' his time with his son and, let's just say, my father is very good at getting his way. My brother didn't go. This was basically the last straw and my parents have been having trouble getting in touch with my brother ever since. He's just gone cold and will almost never call or pick up the phone for them. I never thought we'd be the kind of family where one kid doesn't talk to the parents, but I guess now we are...Anyway, I'm sorry for the long story, but I didn't want to leave you with just vague warnings and no real examples of what the consequences can be when you come between your son and his girlfriend. He's only 16, and this girlfriend will probably not be his last, but you should start practicing reigning in your jealousy now before he brings home someone serious and its too late and you're not speaking anymore. I would also add that if you become a fan of his girlfriend, she might become a fan of you. My boyfriend's mother has treated me with the utmost kindness and we have become good friends. I would never leave her out of something important and I'm constantly reminding my boyfriend to call her. Women tend to support each other; garner the girlfriend's support, don't alienate her!
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (23 March 2011):
 You just have to keep telling yourself that your son loves you as well as his girlfriend. Try and be polite to his girlfriend and be interested in what she is doing right now. It may be hard at first, but if your son sees that you are making his girlfriend feel valued and respected whilst under your roof, he will be so happy!
Also, see if you can arrange some family days out somewhere, just the family, and spend some time with your son away from her. You may even decide later on that you may want to ask him to invite the girlfriend along. It's a great chance for you two ladies to get to know each other.
It's very normal to feel some form of jealousy, you are only looking out for your son, you don't want her to potentially hurt him. So you're not a bad mother or anything, just try and relax over this, and hopefully the jealousy should die down. All the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): i think this is normal as my mum was like this with me, however she still loves my bf. i guess you just have to come to terms with this as a normal part of grwing up
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