A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Who is to blame? He or I or both? Well, here's the situation. My boyfriend and I started dating three years ago. Everything was fine at first. About six months later, we started arguing and he would get into name calling and he tried to break up with me a few times. Especially after he saw a condom in my garbage that he forgot he put there and tried to just leave. I refused to accept it and started calling him twenty thirty times on his cell phone and showing up at his workplace. I sat outside his apartment all night and threw pebbles at his window. We finally got back together. Things are okay for a while, but then he starts acting jealous. He showed up at my work because my male co worker answered my phone. I was embarassed and quit my job. He's convinced i'm cheating at this point. He holds a pillow close to me not really smothering me but acting like he says he wants to and says he's going to kill me somehow. he doesn't really try to but that's not the point is it. This behavior stops for a while but everytime we have a problem he says he is going to call my mom and talk to her about it. One night he grabbed my phone and tried to call my mom so I lunged at him and tried to steer him off of the road. He got upset because he said I tried to cause an accident. So at some point we stop fighting for a while. Everything's pretty much okay, for a little while.Then I get the vibe he's untrusting again.He says he wants to see my paycheck to make sure I'm working forty hours. I get pissed off and jump on him and hit him and scratch his ear he bleeds a little. He doesn't do anything at the moment but the next day when I yell he slaps me in the face and says that's for what you did to me yesterday so I jumped on him when he was driving tried to rip his shirt so then we got into a real slapping frenzy.We calmed down and mutually agreed no physical or verbal violence ever again just respect but then he gets mad at me two weeks later and slaps meI know this sounds like a terrible situation I already understand that but my question to every one is who the abusive one me or him or both I ask because I started the whole slapping thing but he was jealous from the start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): You are both feeding each other's behaviour and therefore are both to blame. Sometimes, however much we like someone, we shouldn't be with them, and this relationship will only get worse the longer you are together. To be physically violent to each, and be unable to control your tempers, is not a good relationship to be in, and I can't see a way out of it for either of you. When you look to the future with each other, what do you see? The violence will not stop now you have both accepted this from each other, and your personalities are probably quite passionate and intense. I don't think you should stay together because the future looks bleak. But in answer to your question, you are really both to blame for the relationship developing the way it has. I really wish you the best of luck in the future XX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): It's both of you to blame dear. Throw peebles at his window after his jealousy panick, I'm sorry? You should have let him contact you, since it was his mistake, or at least not insist that much! Here it's the expression "to give water to the mill," that is, you are facilitating this untolerable situation, "training" him to continue to behave badly by excusing his controlling and untrusting behaviour, yielding to his demands. You quit your job because he embarrased you at work, how many more things have to happen before you realise this relationship is damaging you. Then on the other hand you hurt him physically. The solution was easier when he didn't trust you repeatedly and put under question every other thing. To walk away. A relationship has to be based on mutual respect, you've already come to an agreement which of course was broken because! this relationship is training you both to behave unappropriately and bringing to light the worse in you. This is not life. Don't stay. Who is to blame, the abused or the abuser. It's the same as "Who is wrong, the one who receives bribe or the giver." It takes two persons for a bad thing going on in these cases, dear. You're both responsible the situation got this far. And given that you responded with violence at one of his attacks, I'm afraid he is "corrupting you." Not a good sign. This is what jealousy can lead to, and it's fierce. "He who fights with monsters must take care that in the process doesn't become one itself." It's simply self-distruction, sorry to say it. Take care...
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