A
female
age
30-35,
*itru
writes:Hello CupidI've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. This is the first serious relationship for both of us. Sadly the feelings aren't the same for me and so I've decided to end the relationship.I live far away from anywhere so breaking up at my home is out of the question - going all the way back home with sad news like this isn't very nice. He lives with his mum and getting there is also complicated. But breaking up there is strange because his mum is there. And then I'd leave for good like that.. Theres a possibility to talk in the city near his home, where I'm going next weekend for a concert, but thats public...So what do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Nitru +, writes (26 September 2012):
Nitru is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou all alot for answering. And I finally got the answer to a question I haven't even asked myself yet - why am I still with him? The answer is - out of pity. I know him and that he will be very upset, but if I can't imagine the rest of my life with him than what's the point? Maybe some time in future we'll get back to knowing eachother but right now I'm too stormy and caotic to be with one guy for the rest of my life. Especially if he is a quiet and relaxed one.Also I'm still planning to do it in person since the long distance began in summer. But my feelings changed before that. And also I know I'd hate it if something like that happened to me. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I strongly believe in that and plan to live up to my belief.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 After the update, I agree with the others.
I simply meant that a relationship should be terminated the same way it has been conducted. If two people meet every day, or once a week, or every ten days, why the IRL communication should stop all of a sudden just necause you are the bearer of bad news ?
If you are REALLY long distance, as in your case, I guess that you did not hang up that much IRL, maybe once a month or even less. So your exchanges probably have been mostly on line or by phone, and that's how you have dealt with any other crisis, argument , or other important,sensitive issues ( just weird, if you ask me, but hey never mind me. I admittely am no fan of LDRS ).
I guess in a five hours LDR you are justified to break up not in person, both for practical reasons and because not-in-person is how you have always dealt with each other so far.
Said that, I stubbornly STILL don't think that makes any difference driving 5 hours as a dumpee, or walking 50 yards :) If he takes it badly, he takes it badly, his first night as a dumpee will be bad, his first weekend as a dumpee will be bad, etc.etc. no matter where he lives.
That , just for the record- I do not mean in any way to discourage you from leaving him if you feel you don't love him or he's not the right man for you. Ultimately, you do absolutely no favour to your partners if you keep them around just out of pity.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (22 September 2012):
 I think it is going to cause the same amount of hurt regardless of how you do it. Also, since you do live 5 hours apart, I don't think that doing it over the phone or email would be any more hurtful or disrespectful than doing it in person. That is just my perspective. I do understand what the others are saying and they would have a good point if you lived an hour away, or even two. But you don't.
I'm also assuming that the distance could be part of the reason for the break-up. So I think it would be understandable to break up any way you want. I know it's considered rude and cowardly in most situations, but I don't see it that way in this one.
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A
female
reader, Nitru +, writes (22 September 2012):
Nitru is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem of breaking up at either of our places is we live nearly 5 hours of driving apart. So not very nice to send him off for that in lonelyness.Maybe I could write a letter first for myself and put things down how I want them to be said in real life. Theres been occasions where people have broken up by letter but they have given it to the person to read while they are there next to them. This way he can re-read and make sure he hasn't missed anything. Then again it would be a little uncomfortable for me to watch his expression changing. Especially since I haven't ever written him a letter about feelings.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 September 2012):
 No offense taken, Cindy.
The reason I'm opposed to breaking up in person is exactly the reason you're for it. 'only ,you won't have to see his hurt and sadness.'
Break ups are often painful for both parties and seldom a surprise. The one doing the dumping is all too keenly aware of how hurt the one being dumped is going to feel. So what added benefit is there to either one in seeing it?
The only two reasons I can come up with are 1. To punish the dumper and/or 2. To guilt (or threaten) the dumper into changing their minds. What is polite and brave about either of those?
If someone were breaking up with me, I would prefer email for the reasons I gave earlier. Like everyone else, I've had painful news or feedback from others in the course of my life and NOT having to face that person during or immediately afterward is the one comfort I had. And when I get the jist of the news being delivered I may not be able to take it all in at once. An email allows me to replay the message and pick out something I may have missed the first time round.
Many people, like myself, prefer to keep things close to the vest. If someone has decided they don't want to be with me anymore, why would I want them to have a glimpse into my soul? They're no longer entitled to that kind of intimacy. I don't need to punish them, but I'm not giving them the comfort of being able to read me either.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 September 2012):
I don't get why you can't break up at your place. Unluckily, he'll be hurt and sad anyway, and if he has to be hurt and sad walking home , or sitting or standing, in a bus or in a cab, I don't see the difference. If you break up by phone or e-mail , he'll be as hurt and sad ,in fact more ( because , no offence for my esteemed colleagues BondGirl and Ciar, right or wrong that it may be , breaking up by these means is most widely considered rude, callous and dismissive ) ... only ,you won't have to see his hurt and sadness.
A bit coward , don't you think ?...
Otherwise, break up in the next town , after or before your concert. In a coffe shop , or restaurant, or a mall, ...under the monument in the main square. It is sort of public- so ? it's not like you were on stage with the PA system on.
Really , unless there is a chance that he becomes violent, there's no reason not to break up in person.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 September 2012):
I'm with BondGirl. I don't susbscribe to the myth that breaking up in person is the classiest thing to do. For one thing it may not be the safest. You don't really know how someone will respond to having a big part of their lives ripped away from them. Second, doing it by email (my preference) allows you to say everything you need to say without being derailed debating every point. And it allows him to take it in at his own pace. He can stop, take a breather, resume, re-read, react privately and regroup before speaking to you. It allows him some dignity. Email is my first choice. If you don't like that then do it over the phone.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (20 September 2012):
Honestly, I'd do it over the phone. You are a woman and I always feel like women need the protection of safe surroundings. I am not saying he could try to hurt you, but just for your protection, you do not want a big scene somewhere in a public place. He may want to talk with you about why you're breaking up and try to convince you otherwise. Do you want to do that in public?
I would phone him or email him and tell him you do not think it is going to work out. That way he will be in his own surroundings and you will be in yours. You will both be in a familiar setting and will not have to travel if you are upset. You can also discuss things this way without anyone observing or over-hearing.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (20 September 2012):
 public is ok. go to a pastry shop or coffee shop like starbucks where it can be quiet/intimate even if it is public. other options are a park or go on a walk outside either of your houses.
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