A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for almost a year and I can't seem to get over the fact that he was in a "friends with benefits" relationship with his ex fiancee when we started dating. We were intimate before he went to visit her for the weekend, and we had sex for the first time the first day he got back. I had no idea about their arrangement, and he didn't tell me that he was even still friends with her until we had been dating for over a month and he couldn't hide her phone calls. They talked on the phone 2-3 times a week while for the first 3 months of our relationship and when he finally told me that he had slept with her I didn't say anything about them not talking to each other because I had already said that I was totally fine with him talking to his ex, of course that was before I realized that they were still sleeping together. He says that they were not in love and it really was just friends with sex, because they were comfortable with each other. Before I knew this I had asked him if he had dated anyone when we first started dating and he said no, apparently sex with his ex is not a date... She has not made it any easier because she called him 8 times in a row without him calling her back and finally he had to call her and tell her that she needed to stop. Did this stop her? She then sent two cards, signed with love, and phoned another time after he had told her to stop. He hasnt' done anything to help the way that I feel because he thinks that it was ok to be friends with benefits with his ex when we first met because he didn't know me back then. I really do love him, he is a great guy aside from this but I can't stop thinking that I don't want to marry the man that did this to me. We are both in our late 20's, early 30's and I feel like this has shown me an immature side of him. They both think that they handled their break up in a mature manner because it is harder to stay friends.. except I don't think that they were broken up if they were still having sex and sending each other notes expressing their love. Is this something that I can get over? I really do try, I actually talk about our relationship as if it is the best but sometimes I feel like a fake.. I want to tell people that we only look this good on the outside, because really he treated me unfairly. Am I trying to be the victim here? In this situation how do I forgive him? It really is harder than it looks. Has anyone else been in this situation? Please give me some suggestions on how to make this problem go away.
View related questions:
fiance, friend with benefits, his ex, immature Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Instead of scolding you for staying with this 'great' guy, I'm just going to say that this 'great' guy of yours is a bastard c**ksucker - and please excuse my vulgarity, but he really boils my blood in a way that he really needs a good smack with a demolition ball - in fact, both of them.
Anyway, with my raw feelings vented, is this boyfriend of your's still doing this, or has he stopped already? If he is still doing this, then obviously, this is an issue you need to work with, but if he has already stopped, then you have to ask yourself: A) does he still retain that mindframe today as he did back then, and B) does it look like he will continue to do questionable things that go against your principles in the future?
Even if you answer yes to both of these questions, will the varying degree of these yes answers hinder your growth with him, or will they cause decay?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): I'm amazed at this man's talent for skirting round the edges of the truth. He didn't tell you about his ex-fiancee until he could no longer hide it (a pretty serious omission); then tells you that having sex with her is not a date. If she's his ex-fiancee, why is he still having sex with her, when he's (supposedly) in a relationship with you? She apparently is not reconciled to the fact that he no longer plans to marry her. If she was, she wouldn't keep calling and sending love notes, you know!Obviously there was something drastically wrong in their relationship, or why would they have become engaged (which means a serious intention to marry) and then not gone ahead and had the wedding?No, I agree with you that this man is immature. He wants what he wants, and doesn't seem to care who gets hurt in the process, so long as he has things his own way.You ask how you can forgive him. Basically, you can't forgive someone who doesn't see that he's done anything wrong. As to how you can make the problem go away, well, maybe you should make HIM go away! There's far better men worthy of you than this one!
...............................
|
