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When is it time to tell my FWB goodbye

Tagged as: Friends with Benefits<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 November 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 2 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I've been talking to this boy for around 3 months every day and have always said it will be a causal thing. I guess it's as close a thing you can get to friends with benefits. We get on well and there are genuinely no deep feelings from either side.

While I've had this situation with him I've also been talking to this other boy who wants something more serious. We've been on a couple dates now and it's going really well and I do see it falling into something serious, however we have both said we want to take it slow. I've ended it a couple times with the other boy because I haven't seen him in a month due to this other boy but he is unaware of that reason, but he always comes back and says there's no reason for us to stop talking unless you're serious with someone else.

I just want to know when the time I do 100% have to end it with him? Is it now because it's unfair on the boy I'm actually seeing or do I wait until me and this boy actually have the chat that we can't see/speak to other people?

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (2 December 2017):

Ciar agony auntYes, the time is now.

In fact if things with the new guy do become something special and he finds out you were still seeing the other guy at this point he's going to be mighty upset. We've read about this scenario many times here on Dear Cupid.

Your FWB was always just a hook up. You had good times and now you're ready to move on. Frankly, he should have accepted your position when you spelled it out for him the first time. If he's not worried about stepping on your toes when you tell him it's over then you shouldn't be concerned about 'hurting his feelings'.

Don't even do this face to face. He's likely to try and talk you into continuing (I can see him saying offering to back off when you and the new guy are actually official).

Send him an email. Then block and delete him. There is nothing you need to hear from him and you don't need the temptation.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (30 November 2017):

Dionee' agony auntYou have to let it go now.

I always say that it´s best to let your FWB you´ve actually found something you´d like to focus all your attention on as soon as possible.

That´s not to say that you´re counting your chickens before your eggs hatch but it´s more of a respect thing. It shows respect for both your FWB and the new guy because don´t you think its best to be honest and upfront?

Have a talk with him and clear the air asap.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2017):

The first guy might have more feeling s for you then you know, so please don't ghost him, show him respect, just say to him its just not working for me any more, to his face that will be closure,he might be in love with you, not your fault, but it might take him years to get over you, but then the new guy might not work out too, you might not realized how much you like the first guy, cause carma has away to come back and bite you in the heart,its been two years for my heart, and it still hurts, I wish she would of talked to me, but I got ghost, and it's real pain in the heart

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 November 2017):

Once you start dating someone regularly; you have to immediately (and fully) inform all friends, and your FWB that you are working on a new romantic/meaningful-relationship.

It must be identified and defined as such; so there is no misunderstanding of your intentions or the depth of the connection you're attempting to initiate. He and all others have to know it has the potential to be serious.

I included "all friends"; because all regular acquaintances have to prepare themselves for change. Someone new is entering your social-circle; which means they (and you) should all be on their best behavior. The new-guy should feel welcomed into your circle; and everyone should respect the boundaries of platonic-friendship.

Sex with your FWB should have stopped as soon as you started seeing the other guy. Sooner, rather than later.

You need some distance.

He has to get adjusted to the change of rules, and you need to set some new boundaries. That requires a serious sit-down discussion to be sure there will be no jealousy or wedge-building. Then go no-contact to be sure he has a chance to re-calibrate and reboot his feelings. Even when there is no love attached to the sex; you also have to deal with his male-ego and territorial-instincts. You're rescinding a benefit, and sometimes that isn't so easy!

Males are territorial-creatures; and we tend to be possessive or defensive of those with whom we regularly share intimacy. Even as only FWB's. There is still an emotional-connection on some level; and it has to be reprogrammed to protect your new relationship.

He may have grown feelings he has never admitted to.

You must clear-up all your past-relationships before you start a new one. It's a mess trying to do it in the middle of it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 November 2017):

Honeypie agony auntNow is the best time.

You are ALREADY dating someone else, so DROP the FWB guy. While guy #2 may not be your next BF.

If you don't really care FOR the FWB guy what's the point in keeping him around? Meaningless sex is just that... MEANINGLESS.

Focus on building healthy relationships that actually mean a thing.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (29 November 2017):

N91 agony auntI agree with Aiden.

If the other guy has no feelings then why does he keep coming back? Surely if you lost touch and he didn't care then he would just leave it?

I think you'd be better off ending things now and just concentrating on the guy that has potential for a relationship.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (29 November 2017):

Whilst you might be taking things slowly with the second boy (and good for you, by the way, for doing so), the fact is that nothing is going to develop with the first person. You’ve said there are no deep feelings from either of you, but the fact that he keeps coming back even after a month makes me question whether that really is the case on his part.

It seems to me that you’re wasting each other’s time and that you may as well channel your energy and focus in to the guy with whom something serious might develop, if that’s something you think that you want. So, I would be straight with the first guy and end things now.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (29 November 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOnce you're ready to start dating, you should stop having sex with others. Going on dates with others (before being exclusive) is fine, but generally not sleeping with them too.

Stop seeing the FwB and tell him you're looking for more now. Then ask the date where he sees things going and if you're exclusively dating and not seeing anyone else (but not an official couple).

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