A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When do you tell your boyfriend he's too controlling? I wrote earlier but it was far too long.Why do women, who were at one time strong and fierce, allow men to do these things to them:Demanding to see you on webcam while you are in class or at work? Telling you that you are lying if you misspell something while on IM/Messenger because it must mean that I am doing something not near my computer like I say and am actually with my phone elsewhere? Checking my panties that were left on the bathroom floor after we have sex - but closing the door and making it seem like he is going to the bathroom while he checks/smells them to make sure I wasn't with anyone else? Taking my panties out of the washing machine to analyze how much discharge is on them? Tell you that you're a narcissist when he's the one who stares at himself in every reflection and says how beautiful he is? Telling me that I am crazy for eventually shouting after he checks my panties for the upmteenth time because if I had nothing to hide then I shouldn't be defensive?And then thirty seconds later to say that he's sorry and that he doesn't mean it and that if I didn't do things to make him angry then he wouldn't act like that......but what woman deserves that? And then when and how can a woman leave after feeling smaller than she ever has before and can't tell her family because she doesn't want anyone to think poorly about the man she loves?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 September 2009):
 You are in some sort of denial here, YOU CAN'T FIX THIS, you need to get the hell out of Dodge. Once you've left the scene, maybe and that's a very weak maybe, but maybe he'll realise what a monster he has been and go and seek help. However usually these guys just go find another female to torture. You need to leave.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2009):
 Here are some US resources for you:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/relationships/safe-your-relationship-19917.htm (that has a list of places you can contact for help getting out)
http://www.ndvh.org/
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171 (this link you have to copy/paste, the '?' messes up the hyperlink)
Don't hesitate to get help. The relationship(s) you and the last anon poster are describing are not normal, they are not healthy, you'll need some distance on them to see it, but you are not safe. Please find your way out while you are uninjured.
And Washington DC anon poster, you cannot change him. HE has to recognize that he is dysfunctional. The only thing you can do is control your own reactions, and take control of your own life. He's got some major issues and you are not going to be able to fix them.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): I do, I live in Washington, DC. But when a woman has been told these things so many times and I was never one to raise my voice - i taught kindergarten, i HAVE patience - but his incessant accusations have killed me and I answer his questions as normally as i can ("do you sleep with other men?" "why did you change after work" "why did you answer after three rings and not one")
...but when I don't give him an answer that indicates that his inappropriate assumptions are correct, he doesn't stop and I slowly break and then I raise my voice because he keeps wanting me to tell him things that would never be true (that I have done something to hurt him) and with the raise of my voice, comes the swing of his fist or the kick of his leg and then I become hysterical and he tells me not to shout and he wouldn't do that.
Do you think that's true? But what can I say to make him listen to the truth - which is what I tel lhim in the first place...and even more so...what can I tell him to make him realize that his thoughts and questions are toxic?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 September 2009):
You live in the US, and unless you live in a very rural area, there are organizations that can help you get away from an abusive relationship. Check into this it could save your life. You are in danger my dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): i would never let anyone do that to me. then again im not your 'typical woman' so to speak. thats what i call the 90% who wimp away and do nothing but scream etc. not trying to offend anyone but its the truth.
why do you let him do this to you anyway? i agree with eyes get out of there he is a physco. but before that call the police and let them know every little detail. then he can be thrown in jail. preferably head over heels....the scumbag.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): never had that problem, i'm always in charge x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): its me. the original poster. i dont know where to do. he has been physical. he says its my fault because i shout. i shout after he tells me that he doesn't like where i work or that I use the stairs because it means i "am having an affair in the stairwell" or "on the rooftop" or whenever I "disappear for 30 minutes" (when i tell him ever move I make, even send him the invites to my meetings). he has thrown a phone at my face and broke my nose. claiming still that it was an accident. tonight i started shouting when he was asking me why i wore a dress to work and why i brushed my teeth when I got home. he said i shouldnt have been getting upset if i wasnt doing anything wrong.
i am lost. i do not know what to do. i cant leave. i have to leave. he kicked me and broke two boxes i got from my mother for christmas after throwing a minichess board at my lower back...but its my fault because i raised my voice.
...no? yes? please. help
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Yes, you definitely have to get out of this as soon as possible. You don't say how long you've been together, but I was with a crazy controlling guy like yours for 3 years and finally managed to get out at the end of last year. I felt so free, it's incredible! You really have to do it, stop wasting your life trying to make it better - you'll never succeed with someone like that.
I know, it's really hard to break up with him. Our break up took over a month. It took so long because I was trying to help him to learn from what went wrong, but you can't. He ended up seeing me "cheating" on him 2 months after I broke up with him by hugging a guy from work goodbye. Yes, he'd been following me and yes, he went psycho at this. I had to get the cops involved and told him if he ever contacted me again I would let the cops know and they could deal with him. Sounds extreme, but I'm telling you about it so you can be prepared to have to do something similar.
I suggest you be clear and straightforward with him - just tell him it's over, you can't take it anymore, his anger is hurting you and you don't deserve that. Tell him there's no chance of you getting back together. And tell him all this in a public place, like a coffee shop so that things can't get too out of hand. I know this is so hard to do, because he's made you feel, over time, that you're not worthy of healthy love, but you are! Once you're free of him, you'll be able to start to believe that again.
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A
male
reader, Entropy_Anarchy +, writes (22 September 2009):
He's a psycho. Get out now. Please. This won't end well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Well, you could be talking about my husband. Yes, there are women like us that have men like that in our lives. After a while, they make you feel like no one else will have you. They isolate you so that you have no friends, family is distanced, and the loneliness eats you alive. God, now I'm really depressed.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): I agree with Caring guy.
He sounds scary!!!!
RUN WHILE YOU CAN!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 September 2009):
So it's YOUR fault he has to sniff and re-sniff your panties. Trust me in the the very near future it will be YOUR fault he had to slap you upside the head. Get out now, let the Psycho find another victim.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 September 2009):
Whoa there you lady! This guy is one of the most controlling men I've ever read about. And frankly he sounds dangerous. Your sentance says everything about him..
'If I didn't do things that make him angry then he wouldn't act like that'.!!!!!
There isn't a woman on the planet who should be subjected to everything you're going through. EVER!
You say you're feeling small now? Believe me, if you stay with this guy, you will feel smaller and smaller and he will tear you apart inside. You sound like you're being destroyed by this man. For your own sake, you MUST leave him and quickly. You have a job and a family, so get out quickly. There are far far better men out there and you deserve a good guy. Please get away from this man now. x
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