A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 40, married for 7 years, one child who's 5 years old. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband; we're very happy with our daughter and our life. We have a good sex life. My husband in his day-to-day life is the very serious professor types. No nonsense, very matter of fact, mostly buried in work. The only place he IS vocal with me is in bed. He's very kinky and loves experimenting with different positions etc. He loves dirty talking but lately I feel it's a little too... I don't know... weird? The other day he was telling me during sex that he wanted to see me do it with another guy, who would be really violent with me and he wanted to see me enjoying it. I went ahead with it because it seemed to be really turning him on. What I would like to understand is, how and why is this seemingly docile man who is most non-confrontational, into such thoughts? What's going on? Let me be clear, we have NEVER cheated on each other or have had any sexual deviancy. So what's happening?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2022): Less the rough stuff my guy's the same way. He had a trigger episode, the neighbor lady, looks like me, did it with the lights on in full view of us. Apparently her and her boyfriend had been drinking and it went on for an hour. Since he fantasize during sex that I joined in next time. I play along. It's never going to happen. so WTF.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2022): "If he doesn't accept this and tries it again, or if he scoffs at your concerns, then you should really consider leaving him for the safety of your daughter as well as your own."
Wow, what an over-reactive answer! The OP was talking about her husband's FANTASY! As long as he keeps it as fantasy, no big deal. (And for the record there are plenty of women who have very peculiar fantasy material that they don't want to act out in real life either.)
OP, I believe that nobody knows the source of people's fantasies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2022): I have played out the rape scene in bed with my boyfriend. The typing up of legs and arms against the bed posts etc. It is harmless when you tell yourself in your head it's harmless and you are okay with it. It is all your attitude towards it. And your partners. So if he takes you by force and you play along, that is one thing. But if you FEEL uneasy about it and uneasy about your partner's intentions, you should never do it. It is one thing to please a partner but another to degrade yourself and lower your own standards.
I think a lot of women think they need to do whatever their man wants to please him in the bedroom or he will not be sexually satisfied and cheat. It is a pressure we live with, whether we want to or not. Why do you think we fake orgasms more times than we care to admit? Men are sexual creatures, more than women in general. And they are all about the experience and can have sex without feelings or love. For us, it is a whole other experience. We want sex with love. But sometimes it is okay to have fun within the confines of that love. Have variety in your own sex life.
I am not comfortable with anal sex and I will never do it. My bf respects that. There are so many other things we can and will do. I think you need to be honest about how you feel to your husband. Some people get turned on at the thought of their partner having sex with someone else. But it is JUST a fantasy, not to be taken seriously. It does not mean he loves you any less or really wants to see that happen. But I still think being totally honest about fantasies can cause problems in relationships. You start to feel insecure about them and wonder if they are losing interest or emotional connection, are getting bored, or having an affair or something is going on? It makes you feel pretty uneasy. I get that. I would feel the same way. It would hurt me.
I would tell him you would prefer he keeps that fantasy to himself because it is not one you share and go back to having sex with him without thinking too much about it, and letting yourself go and enjoy it in the moment. Hopefully that helps. Holding onto it will affect your desire and performance. And your insecurity will cause you to resent him or fear something is wrong and you will pull away over time.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (29 March 2022):
Personally I think it's probably down to an escalating porn habit.
I can remember reading something years ago by a sexologist who had observed that many people who were into being humiliated during sexual encounters and people who were into infantalism were often very powerful men. They frequently had reputations of being hard, unsympathetic and even cruel in their professional lives. Yet sexually they craved to be able to relinquish all control.
So perhaps it works both ways. Your mild - mannered husband may have harboured fantasies of absolute power for a while. Something he feels he never has. Quite a few spree and serial killers were considered to be quiet and mild-mannered before everyone found out the truth.
But, amateur psychology aside, you need to let your husband know that you didn't enjoy the fantasy and that he's not to indulge in it again. Do this some time that you aren't in bed. Don't leave this conversation until he tries it again.
If he doesn't accept this and tries it again, or if he scoffs at your concerns, then you should really consider leaving him for the safety of your daughter as well as your own. Don't wait around trying to figure out the psychology behind it all.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (29 March 2022):
 I guess this has always been a fantasy of his, and it seems to come to the forefront of his mind during sex. Although having sexual fantasy's is often a good thing and can be beneficial in a relationship. However in this case when the word violence is mentioned, and violence with a third party i do find rather worrying.
Maybe find a good time and just ask him how long he has has this fantasy for, and where it stems from.
Its ok i guess if it just stays as a fantasy, but if he actually wants to ever bring this to fruition then i would say this would be a huge red flag, infact i would be inclined to run for the hills.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): If he likes to indulge in porn, it will offer unusual scenarios and activities involving sex. That's where most extreme ideas about sex come from.
Violence and rape shouldn't be something you'd want to introduce into any relationship, whether fantasy or simulated; so you should let him know when his suggestions are getting too strange or uncomfortable for you. You described him as the no-nonsense intellectual-type; then it shouldn't be difficult to reason with him.
If you're intimidated by your husband just because he puts on the "professor" persona; then you better develop a strong stomach, because I suspect it's going to get increasingly more disturbing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): I think the many men buy into the idea that women want to be abused and thrown around like a rag doll.
The porn industry has promoted this idea that women are gagging and screaming for it.
People also send bizarre sexual fantasy problems to places like this because they want to integrity of the tone
to change and to
perpetuate the idea that rough and aggressive sex is the way to go.
Maybe you are a woman with a quiet man who wants to talk excessively dirty or maybe you're a man who wants to perpetuate the idea that women will get turned on by violent sex.
If you were a real woman I strongly suggest you would say that aggressive sex is abuse and murder if it results in death!
The 'she wanted rough sex' doesn't hold any power in court these days when the woman has died.
I note that very few women are trying to get men to get their rocks off by using a crowbar on them for example.
Most women don't fantasize along those lines.
How would you explain to your five year old the bruises and marks on your body?
So rather than go along with it ( the meek submissive female idea) why don't you just slap his bum and say: it's loving sex or nothing!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 March 2022):
 I think it's OK ( if not awesome) to SHARE your fantasies and explorations with your spouse. However, I ALSO think it's OK to set some boundaries if there are things HE wants to do that you DO NOT. (or vice versa).
I think having a chat (when NOT in bed or around your kiddo) about what he mentioned and let him know you are OK with him having a fantasy but you are NOT OK with THAT particular fantasy.
" I went ahead with it because it seemed to be really turning him on."
I get that. But I also think sex is about the BOTH of you enjoying it, NOT just him getting his rocks off.
If you are NOT OK with some violent rape-scenario sex, then I think you need to shut that down.
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