A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm in a bit of a dilemma. My wife has put on quite a bit of weight over the past year or so and it's gotten to the point where I don't really find her attractive anymore. What's the nicest way to encourage her to lose weight? I know you'll probably think I'm being insensitive and should love her for who she is and I do, I love her to death. But I can't help how I feel. I'm just not attracted to her right now. During lockdown in the UK she barely came out to do any exercise with me and our kids and sat on her arse most days, which is where I think this extra weight has come from.I keep avoiding having sex with her because I know I won't be able to get aroused. I'm not saying she has to be stick thin, but she showed me a picture of us together from 5 years ago and she looked a nice healthy, normal weight (barely 2 months after giving birth as well). If she would just get back to that kind of size then I think everything would be fine.What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2020): It seems your love is conditioned on her appearance. Even worse, "you don't find her attractive anymore!" If love was contingent on a person's appearance... boy, what kind of a world would we be living in? God-forbid she'd ever need a mastectomy or become severely injured. You'd probably leave her!
True-love goes beneath the skin. Our bodies change from a number of natural causes; and weight-gain isn't the worst thing that can happen to it. Some changes may slowly alter our perceptions towards our mates; but love mentally-adapts us to those changes. We lovingly make subconscious-adaptations to our feelings; that focus away from imperfections in our loved-one's outer-appearance. Yet to feel "unattracted" altogether, makes your feelings somewhat questionable, or entirely superficial. Health-issues that are attributed to bad-diet and lack of exercise, require only a gentle suggestion and loving-persuasion. If she is receptive, she will take your kind suggestions. If you are strict about her weight and physical-image; you'll reject her on the basis of failing to meet a standard. That's on you, not her!
If you suddenly got testicular-cancer and lost one or both testicles; or got severely burned and scarred. You'd want her to still want to have sex with you...in spite of the unsightly-change in your appearance. Wouldn't you? Even if she lost weight, you'd find some other fault; because if you become unattracted to the degree you'll avoid sex, your standards are unreasonable. You can't see her for her visible faults or imperfections. That's not real-love. You can fix that, you're still pretty young. You need to re-exam how much you've been critical of her looks, and how your insensitivity may have affected her self-esteem. You are avoiding sex! Unless she's profoundly stupid, she must have noticed!
Even if you became her full-time nutritionist and food-nazi, what would you do if she couldn't keep the weight off?
I think you need a healthy dose of frankness and a reality-check!
Pregnancy changes a woman's metabolism. Having a kid doesn't leave them a lot of time to fuss over their appearance as they once did before there was another little-person (or more) requiring a major chunk of her time. Gyms have been closed during covid-confinement, and most of the activities that kept us all active outside our living-quarters have become unavailable. That has gone on since around March of this year. The timeframe she has gained the weight. All that's happening politically (and raising a kid) is stressful, and restrictive. If she could go to the gym weekly, who will mind your kid? There's limited daycare even for her to work! May I remind you that some full-grown adults don't burn calories like a 16 year-old kid! Many people find themselves cooking more and stress-eating; or in her case, her metabolism has slowed-down postpartum.
There is no nice way to tell someone you are unattractive to them because of their weight. Especially someone you vowed to be with through sickness and good-health. That includes bodily-changes, aging, illnesses that affect your glands, bloating, and water-retention. Many self-conscious or conceited-females nearly kill themselves fighting nature out of fear their male-partners will no longer find them attractive. Love doesn't allow you to become "unattracted" to your mate; strictly because of their weight. There are usually other contributing factors.
My friend, there are other inner-demons you're contending with; and double-standards that have been conditioned into far too many people, that has made us believe we have to look like a model to be sensuous and attractive. A standard that even models nearly kill themselves to maintain!
If you spend too much time watching porn, and/or gawking at the scantily-clad busty-females on the internet; you'll start comparing your own partner to an artificial standard that requires far too much gym-time, liposuction, photoshopping, and starving to sustain.
You're looking at a pic from five years ago? How's your hairline, is it the same as five-years ago? Is your mane as thick and bushy as it was at 16? Is your gut as flat and tight as it was when you were 18? Are you still as kind to her as you were when you were dating? Something tells me that weight-gain could also be attributed to the stress you've placed on her about her appearance. Now you've come here, because the methods you've been using have been too hurtful! Is that it?
We can't change how you feel about your wife. Any suggestions we make about her appearance would be out of line and unkind. We can't see her, and she can't defend herself against our unjustified scrutiny and opinions; all made without visual-images as evidence of her being overweight, or having an appearance so unattractive that she turns you off. We don't know how extreme your standards might be about her appearance. That's something you have to work-on from the heart; and cause for you to reassess your true feelings about her, and what they really are based upon. Do you love her, or your ideal-image of her appearance???
A
female
reader, EmmyApple  +, writes (4 November 2020):
Wow, you need to be really careful here. I don’t think you realize just how touchy the issue of weight is for women. I know because I am an overweight wife and the issue of weight has caused a lot of stress in my marriage. Reading your post made me feel very emotional. I’m trying to sympathize with you and not just be offended, but if you don’t handle this the right way, it will come across as very insensitive to her and leave her feeling even less motivated to lose weight.
You didn’t mention how long you’ve been married, or how much weight she gained. I think that’s pretty important info so we can understand if this is a real health issue or if you are just being shallow.
I’ve been married for 2 years. I am 5’2” (147cm) and was 145 pounds (66 kg) on our wedding. I already felt a bit chubby but it was the best I could manage and I feel like it’s a healthy and average weight for an adult woman. The first year of marriage was quite stressful and a big transition. We fought a lot over chores. He was being profoundly lazy and unhelpful and I felt very overwhelmed. I stress ate junk food constantly to help my self feel better. I was well aware of my weight but I felt exhausted all the time. I intended to start exercising but I didn’t feel the energy to get started. Pretty soon none of my old clothes fit and I felt very depressed to the point where getting up from bed was a struggle.
So after 1 year of marriage my weight was 172 pounds (78kg) and I looked noticeably fat. Our sex life suffered due to less attraction, I couldn’t keep up my stamina as well, and things just weren’t as physically comfortable. My husband started making negative comments about - my belly was too big, my butt wasn’t tight.
I didn’t need him to tell me that! I already knew and I already felt awful. He started looking at skinny women online, which made me feel like a failure. Honestly it almost destroyed our marriage.
I did start walking the treadmill 20min a day and trying to cut down on sugar. I couldn’t lose a lot of weight but I managed to maintain around 165 pounds (75kg). We also improved our sex life by changing positions to find ways that are more comfortable for a larger size.
Things were starting to get better but then the pandemic and lockdown hit. Suddenly I wasn’t going out anywhere and I was on my butt all day on my computer and TV. I felt very, very scared and I needed to feel comfort so naturally I turned to food. The weight came on so quick and I didn’t fully realize how much because I wasn’t weighing my self and I wasn’t ever getting dressed to go out (didn’t notice how many things fit anymore).
I’m 212 pounds (96kg) now and “obese” I guess. I put on 67 pounds (30kg) in 2 years. My husband and I had quite a few blow ups over the weight issue but we are reaching a place of trying to be understanding and work on things without getting angry.
I tell you this whole story so you realize:
1. Weight is very, very emotional topic and if you aren’t careful she will feel very offended, angry, depressed, and LESS motivated.
2. She didn’t gain weight because she’s lazy and selfish. She gained weight because she is feeling stressed, worried, and/or depressed. You criticizing her will only make that worse!
3. How is YOUR weight? My husband is also overweight but was in denial about it for a long time which really pissed me off. He has put on 55 pounds (25kg) and weighs more than me (he’s a lot taller, but still). He criticized my belly but his is the same size. But he said “that’s normal for a man.” What a sexist comment. Be careful that you aren’t holding her to a standard you can’t meet yourself!
4. Focus on yourself and set a healthy example and invite her (DON’T pressure her or guilt her) to join you in physical activity and eating healthy.
5. She already knows she’s fat - women are very aware of their bodies and weight. She already feels bad about it but losing weight is really, really, really difficult. She doesn’t need criticism, she needs you to sympathize that she’s struggling not just with weight but probably emotionally as well.
6. If the weight is hampering your sex life, you need to find ways to make it work. Not every position is as comfortable or arousing for fatter bodies. You may need to change things or spice things up differently.
7. If you support her emotionally and encourage (not pressure) healthy habits I’m sure some of the weight will come off. But expecting her to look like she did on the wedding day is just unrealistic and unfair. You need to accept that weight gain in marriage is normal and inevitable. Be realistic. Everybody carries a bit more fat than they’d like to admit - it’s a natural part of a human body. All bodies will gradually become more plump over time. That’s just life. Your job is to love her with her extra chub and all. If you can’t do that, the problem is you, not her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2020): In the country I come from there is an expression (I'll make it decent ;) ). For a bad lover even (body) hair is a turn off.
I am not saying that you don't have the right to feel the way you feel. I am saying that you should do something about it.
We all age.
We will all lose our good looks one way or another.
It is only a matter of time.
If you cannot accept that life is change, you will suffer.
Undersand that this is a phase your wife is going through and help her for her sake for her health not your libido.
How would you feel if your wife told you that she is losing interest because if your thinning hair? And before you say that hair is beyond your control understand6that at this moment so is her weight since it is a consequance of her state of mind.
Buy groceries, Cook healthy and take her outside for a walk. Don't judge her or lecture her. There is nothing you can say that she doesn't know already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2020): It's really sad that you've gone off her so easily - how much weight could she have possibly put on over lockdown? I'm guessing no more than a stone or two and yet that's all it took to turn you off her?
I feel really sad for her.
Then again I speak from the experience of a relationship whereby my other half hasn't been able to keep his hands off me despite all of my weight ups and downs (and there's been plenty!!).
Speaking from this experience, I guarantee you she won't change for you. She will only change for herself. Something inside her needs to snap and give her the confidence to change her ways.
I only hope for your sake that same boost of confidence doesn't tell her to kick you to the curb ...actually I secretly hope it does.
On a final note, do you have a daughter? What would you say if your daughter came home upset one day from school crying because the boy in her class no longer liked her as she'd gotten a bit chubby over summer?
Something to think about whilst your massaging your make ego!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2020): You say your wife has gained weight so you don’t really find her attractive anymore ?
So was your wife’s previously smaller body the only thing you found attractive about her then ?
You really should leave because a lasting relationship requires something more , a deeper attraction that just to a piece of ever changing flesh
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 November 2020):
 I agree with Code Warrior,
This is all about YOU. Not her, her health or your marriage.
LOTS of people have been stressed with this Covid crap and gained weight. Unfortunately.
Have you gained any? If so tell her that you need a partner to lose some of that extra flap, because it's easier to do with someone else than alone.
Like Kenny suggested, MAYBE you should try and do the cooking a few days a week and make the meals healthy. Encourage her to come out with the kids, even if it's just for a walk in the part, kick a soccer ball or whatnot.
She knows she has gained weight. She isn't motivated to lose it. And YOU having lost your sexual attraction doesn't seem to phase her or motivate her so you need to find other ways to do so.
But you also need to rethink how you move forward and why her weight bothers you so much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2020): Hmmmm this is a tough one. If there's one thing a woman is probably most insecure about, it's her size. It is strange that she seemed to leave getting the kids out for their daily exercise to you during lockdown, unless of course the majority of the housework was left to her, but I'm just speculating there.Sadly there is no 'nice' way to tell someone they've put on weight or they need to lose some. Whatever way you tell she's bound to take it the wrong way. What I would do instead is go on an exercise kick yourself. I know it's easier said than done because the UK is headed into Lockdown 2.0 from Thursday but why not make a plan to join a gym or something for when everything re-opens on December 2nd? I'm sure most gyms will be throwing all kinds of offers at folk to get them to join. If you start going and emphasize how much you enjoy it and how good it's making you feel then it might give her the motivation to do something similar.Also that photo of her you mentioned, another subtle thing you can do is ask to look at it again and just compliment how good she looked so soon after giving birth. This period can be a time when a woman again feels quite insecure about her size so if she sees how good you think she looked then, it might spur her on to get back to a similar size. I'm guessing it's not an unrealistic weight loss either. But whatever you do, don't outright tell her she needs to lose weight. It will not go well my friend.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (3 November 2020):
 She is still the person you fell in love with, she is still the person you married.
Obviously I don't need to tell you that we are in difficult times at present, and as we head into another lock down more difficult times lay ahead.
Maybe your wife is not feeling good about herself because she is feeling your negative energy towards her, the lack of attention and love, and you not wanting to sleep with her or even finding her attractive is maybe part of what is causing her weight gain.
I think you should be more loving, and positive towards her, tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love and appreciate her. I think you would be surprised at what a positive effect this will have on her life.
Suggest all going out for a nice walk, I think once she starts feeling better about herself she will want to go more often.
Why don't you exercise your culinary skills, and do the cooking in the kitchen a few times a week and cook up some healthy dishes.
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