A
female
age
26-29,
*esstrashnyy L'vitsa
writes:Next week I am finished with University for the Summer, and due to my poor health I have to move in with my parents for the summer, and I met this really amazing man. We have been talking for a few months and started getting kind of serious about a week and a half ago. He treats me like his princess. He is perfect for me. He told me that he will follow me to the ends of the earth. I am freaked out by this. I have never had someone say that to me before (this is where most of you will say "well then what's the problem?"). The problem is that the way he is. His attitude, temper, the way he talks..Everything is somewhat disrespectful in a way. He doesn't like to be told what to do. The problem with this isn't with me ( I put him in his Place) but my parent's will never accept him. And he wants to spend most of his summer with me in my home town with my family. But I can't let him around my siblings or parents they are very religious and very strict with things. I am on very thin ice with my family as it is, but I know bringing him home will just put me under. But I won't ask him to change I like him for who he is. I want to spend summer with him, but like I said my family won't have him around. What is a girl to do? How do I balance this? I really need help with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): You're only 18. You don't have the experience and worldly exposure it takes to judge guys who start-off their lives in trouble.
They have no respect for the law. They are convinced society is wrong, and just out to get them. Then girls like you come along. They see some poor misunderstood wounded animal. You feel sorry for him, and he has all the charm it takes to make you believe it's not him, he is just misunderstood. He can't fool a judge. They'll see right through him.
My dear, I've seen life a lot longer than you have. I've read everything you've had to say. You are a very strong-willed person. You've said what you feel will convince us that you know what you're doing, and you have it all under control. I know you have a heart for this boy, or you wouldn't remain in touch with him; keeping up with what he is doing.
I take a different approach when talking to people in your age-group; because you feel that we don't understand. That we were are too old to remember what it's like to see and feel what you do. That is the way I would expect you to think.
The fact is, I live life everyday, the same as you do; and I see the very same things you do. I just have the advantage of more education and experience; so I can analyze things better. My judgement has been shaped by dealing with a long history of problems and obstacles that has molded who I am and how I think. Live will do the same for you. This is just one of many experiences to come.
This boy is just one of so many others you'll meet. His appeal will run its course as others will over-time. He's a type you've never been around, so his personality is interesting, exciting, delightfully scary, and Edgy.
You are resentful of the boundaries, rules, and restrictions set by your parents. So you feel you understand how he feels. People who break the law at a very young age, and have repeated offenses; often have deep-seated problems that will haunt and follow them throughout their lives.
Some do and can change; but not because of some girl. Only because they will have an epiphany at some point, that will make them realize the error of their ways; and what they are missing by going down the wrong path. You may be a positive influence; but you're just passing through. You both have a lifetime ahead of you. Association with him may bring his trouble to your doorstep. That is the risk you take.
Authorities watch and monitor him, his friends, and everyone he is in association with. Especially if he is on probation. So, if they can't find him, they'll come knocking at your parent's door; because they know if you want to find a bad-boy who's missing, find the girl he likes.
It's nice he has become your pet-project. He cannot change over-night, nor can he just erase his criminal record. Even that will take time to do. So, I will stand by my advice in hope that you will learn and gain experience first-hand. Sometimes words are not enough to convince people.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 Very good ,OP. But..be patient,please. Don't jump to conclusions and don't be too much in a hurry to decide he's a new man. Let him prove himself, let him show you that he can stay on course and the changes have " taken ". Not to be negative, but it's less than a month from your last post, and everybody can clean their act for a few weeks.
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A
female
reader, Besstrashnyy L'vitsa +, writes (25 May 2014):
Besstrashnyy L'vitsa is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just a quick update for everyone who has been giving me advise on this topic. I told him that if he continued down the path that he was going thatbi would not continue to be in his life. He gave this whole "I can change baby" speech. I told him that actions are the only thing I would listen to. I told him he isn't to be around me or my family. I told him that I wasn't going to waste anymore of my time with him until he could prove to me thatbhe is clean and clear of all of the bad shit.
Yea, I still talk to him. He got a real job. He got an apartment. He stopped seeing the people that he was around that were doing bad things. And I'm not saying that I'm getting back with him or anything. Not until he proves he is really finished. But he's getting there.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Thanks, CindyCares, you wrote a brilliant answer. I really think you hit all the pertinent points here.
OP, You sound a bit more like a social worker, and less like a girlfriend in that last reply.
I think you know already that it's not going to work out well for your family or you if he comes to town for the summer, and as he's basically told you he's moving on, perhaps it is all a moot point.
I guess I am left with a couple of final questions for you, to be meditated on at your leisure, no need to provide answers here. They are not meant to criticize but to perhaps alter your frame of reference just a bit. Take you outside your current perspective and take a look at yourself. Be that silent witness, if you will. Anyway, CindyCares brought them both up. The first point to ponder is how you'd be feeling about him if he were not physically appealing to you in any way, not sexy or hot. Would you overlook his other characteristics and his past then?
The second puzzler is why you so adamantly defend his right to stay as he is, with all those negatives, and why you are angry at your family for being the way they are, with their own presumably less violent and not disrespectful flaws? Why the need to defend him so fiercely and not give your family the same courtesy of loyalty?
Best wishes for good health being restored to you this summer. Be well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): Run, run, run and don't look back. Been there and got the t-shirt with an ex who was dealing drugs, handling stolen goods and I now believe indirectly involved in a prostitution ring. RUN, believe me, he's not worth it!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 April 2014):
I am sure that Aunt Tisha can defend herself pretty well, so I won't jump in to her rescue. Then again, the whole bad boys vs. nice stable guys is a long, old controversy which would bring us very far from the question in your initial post. In fact, you don't even need an answer anymore, since the current turn of events was an answer in itself.
I want ayway to add few random comments, hoping that they may provide you food for thought, even if , very likely, you won't agree with me.
1 ) You talk about " different choices " as if all choices were equal, and equally valid and allowable from a moral, social, legal standpoint.
You miss the point. It is not so. The are choices which you are not allowed nor justified to make , ever - at least in the society that you and I and your ex inhabit.
You just CAN'T make those choices, regardless having been dealt bad cards, or having had negative role models, etc.
You are free to decide, say , if you want to eat red meat or be a vegan, if you are going to have sex with your same gender or the opposite one, if you want to vote this party or the other , etc etc. etc.
But you can't " choose " to bash people's faces in when they piss you off- that's just NOT an option, it's not on the menu. You can't even say that anyway your ex pays his choice by going in and out of jail- because his going in and out of jail has an heavy , disproportionate cost for me, the taxpayer.
2 ) that culture and environment are a big , heavy influence on the individual is undeniable, that this create an authomatic social determinism is something that belongs to Dickens ' novels. There's a friend of mine who had a childhood worth of a Dickens' novel, with a touch of Stephen King. She CHOSE to rise above her circumstances and to detach from them, and she has a normal life, a regular , in fact, lucrative job, a decent place to live,etc. Her brother, born and raised by the same mother and in the same circumstances, is a drug dealer. So , same past- different choices. So this boy was given a bad hand of card at birth. And ?.. every life has its challenges, and we know that life is not fair. There's people who live in middle class or wealthy families, yet challenged through cancer, crippling diseases, disabilities. There 's people who weren't deprived in money or education, yet their life has been touched by tragedy, accidents, fatalities, deaths, illnesses, depression, disaster . Drugs, mantal illness, emotional neglect, sexual and physical abuse .
Abandonement, heartbreak, financial failure. I could go on forever, but the moral is : life is tough, and shit happens. Luckily this is not a justification for acting antisocial, otherwise we would have a society composed at 90 % by bank robbers and assorted criminals.
3 ) You are young and by your own admission not very experienced, so you don't see a meaningful coincidence in the fact that in few weeks or days , the same person goes from wanting to follow you to the end of the world ( and that, before having sex with you, probably ?... )to concluding that your worlds do not mesh and should stay separate . I do see a coincidence.. I think that's the typical opposite of the " walk on the wild side " that so many young ( or not so young ) women feel they need to take. New and different is always erotic and exciting, so your guy was attracted to taking a short walk on the " nice " side. Just to realize pretty soon, that the walk was not even worth the small , moderate effort to act semi decent and semi non-criminal, at least for few weeks in front of your family.
I mean, he knew you came from very different backgrounds, with no values in common, etc. etc. , so why did he not leave you alone to begin with ?... because there was something for him to get and to enjoy. Gotten which, NOW he gets all moral and generous and wise. Uhm : at least suspicious, don't you think ?
4 ) Do not believe that crap about " I don't hit women ". Who is violent and used to solve his conflict by brutal force, will use his force with men, women, and ermaphrodites. Maybe he hasn't got the time yet to do that, he's only 20's, he could very well turn into a 40something wifebeater. Or, what he really means is that ne needs a much bigger provocation by a woman to react violently, he won't just jump her because she " dissed hom " or talked back . But , in time " I do not hit women " becomes something with an implied proviso like " unless I think they are cheating on me ", or " unless they ask me to pay my share of bills " etc. Who resorts to violence habitually to get his way ( like this boy ) - eventually will get so entrenched into his violent habits that won't discriminate anymore by sex, age, or anything when he is being frustrated.
4 ) Writer Rebecca West said, more or less, that in hindsight it is amazing how much we are slave to our genitalia, and the incredible extents of time, effort, audacity, ingenuity, courage, money, ...we'll profligate in order to make our genitalia rub against someone else's genitalia.
I am not tryng to be bitchy, I just would like you to be honest with yourself, and tell us if you'd have all this compassion, understanding and social tolerance if you did not find him attractive. I suspect he is a sexy bad boy... with a great body... cool tattoos... walks with a swagger... the usual stuff : ). Well, would you really be so lenient toward his bad behaviour and violent streak, if he were equally a petty criminal, but, bringing up Dickens again, suppose he were an UGLY petty criminal, like a Victorian street urchin : a pale, sickly, pimply skinny runt, slope shouldered , black toothed...
For some reason, I strongly doubt it.
5 ) I'd suggest to examine dispassionately your relationshio with your parents, and where your resentment toward them comes from. Come on, there's an evident vein of hostility here. Like, your parents are probably not perfect, and not what you want them to be, maybe they nag you, maybe they are old fashioned , out of touch, and narrow minded...but, come on, they are your parents. Where you REALLY thinking of introducing into their house for a longish permanence, - a jailbird ? a REPEATED ex - con ? someone they would be horrified to be associated with, that , having the choice, they would never entertain socially? Like, bringing home a wolf wrapped in sheep's skin ? Wow, this is SO disrespectful. It does not matter if you don't agree with their ideas, and you think they are judgemental, obsolete sticks in-the-mud. These are THEIR ideas, and that's THEIR home, and that you were not going to at least keep the boy out of their way, if you really had to date him, - that , to me, sounds like a slap in their face , ... and I wonder where this slapping instinct came from, and if you are aware it is there , or not ...
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A
female
reader, Besstrashnyy L'vitsa +, writes (28 April 2014):
Besstrashnyy L'vitsa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right it is sad.But not in the cynical way that you are expressing, But in the sense of that is all that those people know. "Street Cred" comes along with it. That is how they make their living. This is a cycle that will go on until they die. No one wants to hire a criminal. No one wants anything to do with these 'delinquents' So they go back on the street and do what they do best. I have experienced this with many of my friends and family. There isn't anything I can do for them and it breaks my heart. Yeah there is definitely things that they can be doing. But people give up on them in the time that they need to be pushed most. And there isn't anything "icky" about them. They are decent young men. They are who they are. I'm not saying that the choices they make are ideal for everyone and that it is the good or right choice for everyone. But it is for them. They can handle it. They can take it. That is what they know how to deal with. You like "normal", "stable" men who don't walk around looking for fights and who haven't done time in prison. He doesn't walk around looking for fights. He fights because people try to rob him or they get in his way. They fight when they feel they need to. Just because someone makes bad choices in your opinion doesn't make them a bad person. We all make mistakes. I'm sure you have. But your choices are different than theirs, because maybe your life is different than theirs. Maybe you should think about every aspect of the situation before you speak. Because you sound ignorant, and rude.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2014):
Ah, I can see why your family wouldn't accept him.
I think he is right and he's the kind of 'bad boy' that will wind up back in trouble again, if he keeps on hauling off and pounding peoples faces and he hangs out with friends who treat 'girls' so badly (shouldn't that be women, or is there something even ickier about them as in underage girls?).
I personally would have run for the hills. But then I like normal stable men who don't walk around looking for fights and who haven't done time in prison. I think people who keep on making stupid choices based on maintaining street cred are just kind of, well, sad.
If you know he's right that you two aren't really a good match, well, isn't the next step painfully obvious to you?
I still think it's supremely creepy that he was planning to spend the summer with you, sorry. Obviously he needs something else to do with his life.
And don't come back with more detail, it's not necessary. You've provided enough information now to see what's driving your thought processes.
Good luck with making smart choices for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Besstrashnyy L'vitsa +, writes (27 April 2014):
Besstrashnyy L'vitsa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1, I am vague because I need to be. He is a bad boy as in he is a criminal. He has been to jail before. He has a temper as in if someone gets between him and what he wants, or gets in his face he won't think twice about bashing in your face. He doesn't hit women. I put him in his place because I can talk him down when his temper is high and I don't back down when he tells me what to do. I don't let him treat me like his friends treat girls. The getting kind of serious thing is that we have been talking and hanging out for about 4 months and just lately we have been taking it to the next steps where we have started dating more, becoming more serious, and we had sex for the first time. So it wasn't just a meet and start dating and become serious sort of thing. We have known each other for a decent amount of time before we became more serious. And your last statement of being sheltered and needing a reality check isn't true. I'm just young. Lack of experience. I have seen things a lot of people can't even imagine. That is why it is hard for me to go into such detail about this. I'm not 100% sure of what I am able to say and what I can speak of. I hope this is "detailed" enough for you. Let me know your thoughts. Also he and I talked about all of this and he knows that my parents will not accept him for who he is and what he does. He wants to keep seeing me and does want to see me over the summer. I'm not going to lie I do want to see him as well, but I told him that I couldn't get into something serious with someone that my family can't accept. So we have decided that it is best to just part ways and if our paths cross again, then cool. If not, no worries. He told me that I deserve someone better. That I deserve someone who is my equal and who is going to be successful and someone who is going to be able to help provide for a family later on in life. And that he won't be able to do that for me. Being on the streets and in and out of jail is his life and he doesn't want anything more. And I deserve more. He's right.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2014):
I still don't know what you mean by "bad boy." There was a trailer for a TV show here in US that showed a tween boy discussing being a "bad boy" with his older male mentor. "Yeah, I can be a bad boy. Sometimes, I don't rinse out my cereal bowl."
Perhaps if you could articulate the ways in which he is a bad boy or the ways in which his attitude and temper and disrespect play out, it might help. If he's a serial cereal bowl non-rinser outer, he's one kind of bad boy. If he does other things… well, you haven't managed to convey what he does that is so bad.
Again, the first red flag that popped up for me was that you started getting 'kind of serious' about 10 or 11 days ago and now he's talking about spending the summer with you? Whoa dude. Way too much too soon, way too much stalkerish language "follow [you] to the ends of the earth. Then there was the "temper" and that very odd statement. "He doesn't like to be told what to do."
And you say things like the problem isn't with you because you can put him in his Place.
All very vague. Well, as you have decided to end the relationship this isn't a concern any longer. Unless, of course, you find another good guy bad boy with temper who won't be respectful toward your parents?
And I'm back to my first concern, which is that you are young and have apparently been sheltered and need a bit of a reality check.
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A
female
reader, Besstrashnyy L'vitsa +, writes (25 April 2014):
Besstrashnyy L'vitsa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're all right. He isn't good for me. Thank you for all of your advise. I have a lot of thinking to do. Well more than I have been doing. I'm pretty sure I will just cut this cord and leave him here. He seems like a good guy. But he is a bad boy and he isn't good for me. He isn't someone I can bring home to my family. That's what I want in the end is someone who respects me and my family. And I know that he won't respect their beliefs and will disrespect them if I bring him home. That's not someone I want. Now I just feel silly. But again thank you for your advise!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2014):
Wait, you've just become closer in the last week and a half and now he wants to spend the summer with you? And tells you he is going to follow you to the ends of the earth? Whoa woman, that's creepy stalker stuff. That's a red flag in the handbook of dating a loser.
"The problem is that the way he is. His attitude, temper, the way he talks..Everything is somewhat disrespectful in a way. He doesn't like to be told what to do." He must be a dream employee…. NOT. He has a long, prosperous and happy life to look forward to…. NOT.
You're young, I'm assuming you've led a sheltered life and have been shielded from some of life's little nasty secrets.
Here's one. A guy who has a bad attitude, a temper and acts disrespectful is a jerk. Obviously you know he's a jerk and tell him off from time to time, which he accepts because well, how's that sex life?
"He doesn't like to be told what to do." What does that even mean? I mean, if someone told me to paint my house purple, I would laugh and tell them that their suggestion isn't going to be followed.
"He doesn't like to be told what to do." Please tell us what this means. An example or two or three. That would be helpful.
You then go on to say "But I won't ask him to change I like him for who he is." Wait, you've just said he doesn't like to be told what to do, so what would even be the point to ask him to change?
He's not going to change for you. He doesn't like to be told what to do, he has a temper and well, he's not going to change.
Please add a followup with specific examples.
There are so many red flags flying it's like an auto dealer's lot on Valentine's Day! It's a disaster waiting to happen.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 April 2014):
 You've described the classic "bad boy" that you girls can't seem to resist.
My suggestion: Resist him....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): Here we go! Nice girls are always intrigued and drawn to bad-boys.
The fact he says "he'd follow you to the end of the earth" just got you all giddy. Now you feel validated and special; because some potty-mouthed bad-boy sweet-talked you.
If you can't take a guy home to meet your nice family, he's the wrong guy. Liking someone you always have to put in his place, and someone you instantly know your family will not like; is evidence he's the wrong guy for you. You want to know what it's like to play with fire, and you think you're so special to him you can tame the beast. This is pure fantasy; but you have to go through this phase of learning.
You've already piled your feelings on top, so don't ask what's a girl to do. You won't listen. Girls who like bad-boys don't listen. They hold on to him tighter if we say let go. If he breaks their heart; they swear they still love him.
We all wait until he wears off. That's all anyone can do.
You have to have your experience with the sexy, macho, sweet-talking bad-boy; that you've convinced yourself you can tame with your love. You'll have to introduce him to your family, if you still want to see him over the summer.
If you decide to sneak around to see him, that is even more proof he's wrong for you. You can't even be proud enough and/or comfortable enough to let him meet your family.
Don't blame religion; your family has standards and values. That doesn't mean they're completely closed off to reality. You happen to know he is the total opposite of what they'd hope for you, that's what makes him so appealing to you.
Enjoy your experience until you've got him out of your system. Fulfill you fantasy about walking on the wild-side with a tough-guy. He doesn't take crap from anybody. But nobody takes any crap from him either. You can't even take him home. Like a stray pup you've found, that might not have all his shots.
Next time around, I hope you find someone you really like; he's a great guy you can feel proud to introduce to your family, and they will like him as much as you do. You have to meet all types of guys in order to determine the type of guy that is really right for you. So this is part of your trial and error phase in dating. You will learn and mature, and discover more about yourself as a woman. You will determine who is good for you, and who is bad for you.
This is a good start.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): You say he treats you like his princess. Then you go on to say he is disrespectful. The two don't go together.
I had someone say similar stuff to me around ten years ago. Swept me off my feet and said I was his princess. Within 3 months he was holding a knife to my throat because I had pmt.
Sometimes our parents, especially our mothers, see stuff which we can't.. or which we don't want to see. I'd say these are the initial signs of an abuser. Move fast, lure you in, flatter you and then gradually start behaving like a jerk. You're young, don't waste your time on jerks.
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