A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and living in the USA. I currently make 54K. My boyfriend was making minimum wage but just graduated university and accepted a job offer for a nearly identical salary. I’m currently living in a 2 bed 2 bath condo with my landlord who is rarely around. I’m currently paying $1000 all-in for the master bedroom. My boyfriend is currently living at home rent-free. We’re interested in taking the next step in our relationship and also want to get him out of his emotionally abusive family home. My landlord OK’d my boyfriend moving in with me for $1200 so I suggested that he move in with me and pay the difference of $200. After three months working, we will re-evaluate and start paying more proportionally. I want him to build some savings first and I feel comfortable with this arrangement. We both feel more comfortable moving into my place instead of getting our own apartment. The condo is extremely spacious, and if we got a 1b1b apartment we would be paying rent plus utilities for much less space (starting at $1850 just for rent alone). $1200 is actually a steal for such a large room/condo and the area in general, as we live in a very high cost of living city. I only have 15K in savings, but a good amount of retirement investments from work. I’ve had a few bumps along the road and have only recently gotten back on track and saving each month. I work from home, and my boyfriend commutes. My car is paid off, and my boyfriend doesn’t have a car. He’s using mine for work and takes care of all related expenses. We’re not in a rush to buy a car for him, right now we’re just playing by ear to see how sharing a car works out for us. I don’t have student loans thanks to my parents, but he has 50K in loans. Our ultimate goal for ourselves, one another, and our relationship is to save/gain as much as we can. So my question is, what would be a fair way to split rent after my boyfriend has been working awhile and gets his own car? I know that splitting it 50/50 is technically “fair”, but he will have a car payment and student loans whereas I don’t. On the other hand, I would love to be able to put the difference into my savings and catch up. I don’t think there’s a right answer. I know that at the end, it would probably be whatever we decide we’re both comfortable with. But I would love to hear your opinions and experiences. We both want to take care of ourselves and one another. And it may sound silly, but we’re both worried about accidentally taking advantage of the other or putting the other at a disadvantage. We eventually plan to get married, and I know finances will more or less become combined. But until then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2021): Of course, you will have to set a budget to allow for continued and consistent savings and investments. It will be easier for you, because you're already established.
You're not married, but people tend to move-in together; doing what married-people do with their finances. It's all sweet; but not practical, until it's legit on paper. If some unforeseen event separates you as a couple, you can't easily undo debt you've cosigned for; or credit cards or loans you've applied for as co-borrowers. I know it's talking to the wall; but you can ask a lawyer. They will tell you what is financially sensible, when you're not a married-couple; no matter how optimistic you might be feeling when you move-in together. This is a waste of advice on most couples; but there is someone who's reading this, who will seriously take it into advisement.
That being said, recurring household-expenses can be split, or you can pay certain bills taking turns alternately every-other month. Each of you should allow the other a free-month to do whatever you like with a paycheck...hopefully, it's something beneficial towards savings and investments. Of course, savings should be setup for each payday; but you can also pursue some of your larger (but reasonable) purchases during these times. Avoiding any purchases requiring time-payment, or credit. Discuss significant purchases first; rather than springing things on each-other out of surprise! This often leads to fights. I'm giving you sound advice here. Read DC for awhile; and you'll see what I mean.
You have to always be open for renegotiation; and making a few exceptions when it comes to unexpected-emergencies. You may even have to help your respective families from time to time. You might have to chip-in to help each-other in a pinch. Decide then an there; whether it is a loan, or a gift. Not later down the road, when you're angry; and then decide you want to be paid-back! Never rub anyone's nose in what you've done for them financially. It's better if you never did! If you're pennywise, and you see he's not fiscally-responsible; don't expect to boss him around about how to spend his money. He'll likely do what he pleases, and not discuss it with you. You're not his financial-advisor, mother, his boss, or his wife. Don't expect to have their authority or influence over his finances, or what he decides to purchase off the cuff. He will waste no time reminding you.
You have to budget so that no-one is over-burdened, or taking-up all the slack. Don't move-in until his finances are stabilized. You both should draw-out your monthly-budget; always allowing for the unexpected. Just like a business. Utilities, phone services, car repairs, insurance, and unexpected-expenses are not always the same, or predictable; so you have to rewrite the budget on the spot, or simply take turns picking-up the slack. If you're always the one paying extra, it will only be a matter of time before you'll decide to mention it. If that will be the case; plan now, and not later. Those kind of conflicts are easily avoided. Either of you will make unwise purchases from time to time. You have a right to splurge, as long as important bills don't suffer for it. Been there, done that!
He should pay his own student loan debt; that's not your responsibility. You can be generous from time to time; but when you decide to get angry, or there is a permanent or temporary split-up in the relationship; don't expect to demand anything back, unless you offered your financial-help as a loan. It might take legal advice to proceed, if you want to recoup any financial-losses. The law barely gives spousal-rights to wives; when it comes to dividing property and assets. Sometimes people, particularly the wives, come-out of divorces penniless! Don't be naive. You won't always get-back what you put-in! That's life!
Get a signed and notarized repayment-agreement or IOU; if either of you should borrow significant amounts of money from each-other. People always feel it's all warm and lovely; until they get angry and/or breakup. A verbal-contract or promise is meaningless. Don't wait until that happens; and then go after each-other tooth and nail, out of vengeance and vindication. Like so many hardheaded couples do! Even married-people forget how much they once loved each-other; when it comes-down to money and finances. Be sensible!
If you go signing as co-borrowers on mortgages and significant loans; you had better be prepared to pay them by yourself. Anything can happen, leaving you left with all the bills.
My partner of 28 years passed-away from cancer, leaving a will. He left me a very substantial life insurance policy, making me full-beneficiary. His family didn't contest it. The policy paid-off everything; and I had plenty of money leftover for myself. It doesn't always work-out that way. I am financially-secure enough to pay all the bills, with or without anybody's help. I never went into a relationship expecting anybody to pay or share my bills. If you're wise, nor will you. Unless you're married, you have no legal rights when it comes down to splitting property and assets. You may have to fight survivors, if one of you dies; or you could be left holding the bag, having to pay all the bills to protect your own credit-rating.
Be as generous as you like, but be sensible about it. He isn't your husband, and you don't have spousal-rights. You can't sue him and get half of what he has; only what a judge decides is feasible or reasonable. That's usually within some set statutory amount, usually far less than what you're owed. Be forewarned and wise!
The very fact you asked the question means you're on your toes. I hope it all works-out well for both of you. Don't be afraid to help, or be generous; just don't always expect what you give to be returned.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 September 2021):
 I'd say make a budget FIRST.
That way you two know how much to "put in the shared pot" and how much you are each left with. After that, you two can adjust the payments so it WORKS for you both and is fair.
Keep finances separate. UNTIL marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2021): I thought if it was me, I would feel comfortable him paying the shortfall of $200 dollars a month for three months and then him paying $400 dollars a month and you $800 a month for a year and then split it evenly.
You don't owe him to pay for a car or pay his loans off, but as you are in this for the combined outcome of your futures, then a year of subsidising him so he can make a dent in his student loan is fair I think. He's already found a very good place to live for a cheap rent through you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2021): Until you are married or in a very longterm committed relationship, I would suggest 50-50 all the way. My other half and ì have been together 10+ years and we always split mortgage, bills, etc 50-50. At one time he had a higher salary, then I had a higher salary and now its switched again, but we always split things 50-50. When we are married, perhaps we might change this arrangement so all our money goes into the same pot and mortgage payments and bills come out of this, but for now we have separate accounts and are financially independent and split our costs equally.
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