A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I am not sure what to do in this situation. Met a guy this summer in July. Since I was moving 8 hours away in August, I wanted to try to keep this a friends with benefits arrangement, but per usual, feelings took hold. We hung about 3-4 times a week before I left, mostly to hook up, but we also spent time together outside the bedroom. Moved 8 hours away, and the day I settled into the new place, the guy asked me if I wanted to be exclusive. I agreed. We text each other every day, and have been since August (For reference, it's the end of November). He came to visit me 2 weeks after I moved, brought me a small present, and stayed for a week. Then I visited him in October, and again in November; I'm a student and have family near where he lives so it's not terribly out of my way to visit him. As of right now, we're exclusive; not talking to anyone else, not seeing anyone else. I trust him to do this, but he won't go beyond this step. He says he's never done long distance, and he wants to give it a while before he really commits (being girlfriend/boyfriend or whatever). I'm just flummoxed because in the beginning, right after we became exclusive, he was saying things like "I think long distance will be worth it in the end", "I see myself being serious for you", "Four years apart will be worth the wait", and now he really doesn't mention feelings. He does say he's afraid of long distance, it's difficult, and he doesn't want his heart broken. Am I just being yanked around? Like, if he wants to lead someone on, he's made the wrong choice; I'm 8 hours away, so he only gets sex from me once a month (and based on how long he lasts, it's safe to say, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one he's getting action from ), and while I like him, I'm not going to devastated if we stop talking.I'm just beginning to feel like I might be wasting my time, and I don't want to be taken advantage of. And while I would like something serious to become of this, how long is too long to wait for the "next" step?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, no, he is absolutely free to talk to other people; I meant in the romantic sense. Most of his friends are girls according to him, and it doesn't pose a problem to me. I encourage him to go out and be social, and he does the same to me. I actually enjoy the independence a long distance relationship encourages, and like that I have time to focus on my studies.
He doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend, and I don't refer to him as my boyfriend. I don't want a ring/engagement in the remote future AT ALL.
I guess I'm just trying to find outside perspectives. My last relationship was very serious, and the one before that moved extremely too quickly. I just wanted to make sure he wasn't pulling one over on me.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2013):
 You say “as of right now we are exclusive, not TALKING (emphasis mine) to anyone else not seeing anyone else. I trust him to do this but he won’t go beyond this step”
I’m a bit confused (hence my name) IF you are exclusive (and I’m not sure how TALKING to others means you are not exclusive, perhaps you mean talking to others you want to date?) JUST TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE is an acceptable way to live LDR or not. IF YOU can’t cope with the concept of your LDR partner TALKING to people of the opposite sex and having friends or acquaintances of the opposite sex, then perhaps an LDR is not going to work for you. Yes trust is crucial but part of that is encouraging them to have friends and a social life when you can’t be there. This will have to include TALKING to other people.
You say you are exclusive but he won’t go beyond this step… what is beyond exclusive for an LDR couple who has only been dating 4 months? WHAT does being EXCLUSIVE mean to a 20 something? IN my day and age (gaw I sound like my grandmother did) being EXCLUSIVE was “going steady” it meant we did not DATE other people… you seem to already have that. I would call him your boyfriend and you his girlfriend if you are exclusive and have agreed not to date other people… I guess what I need to know is exactly what you think the relationship currently is and what you want it to be. WHAT does EXCLUSIVE mean to you if not that he’s your boyfriend and you are his girlfriend… ARE YOU WANTING an ENGAGEMENT after 5 months???
He is very wise to be concerned that LD is hard. It is hard enough to build a relationship when you can see each other at will or even every weekend… at 8 hours apart while in college you may be able to see each other every month which can work but it’s VERY HARD and rarely does work out.
You guys clearly started burning hot and bright as is normal and natural and now that reality is setting in and distance is making it harder, he’s pulling back because he realized he was talking from excitement and wanting and not actually KNOWING….
WHAT to YOU is the next step because I think that being EXCLUSIVE after knowing each other for four months and now being 8 hours apart is about all you can hope for….
As for his wasting your time, yeah I doubt this will last 4 years and I doubt it will work out long term but I do not think he’s lying to you… he’s telling you his CURRENT truth…
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, that is not really the question...
We will be apart for 4 years, give or take breaks during the school year, and where I do my clinicals. But again. Not the question.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 November 2013):
how long will you be 8 hours apart?
if it's over 2 years I would not bother trying to make it work...
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