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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for 7 years and we have split up twice as I feel that we want different things from life. We are now trying again for the 3rd time. We have a lovely house together, 2 dogs (no children) and my husband is trying really hard to make a go of things but I have met someone who I feel alot for. I feel I have nothing in common with my husband anymore, and everything in common with this other man. I feel so guilty that I am lying to my husband to see this man, and because I know I'm cheating on my husband, I cant look him in the eye or face him touching me, so Im sure he knows something is wrong. Im thinking of leaving my husband, giving him the house, the dogs and renting out a room somewhere on my own, but I hate to hurt my husband, and give up my house and dogs. I know I cant have it all and I dont expect to; my husband has done nothing wrong so I would never fight him for the house or the dogs. If I hadnt met this other man, I think I would still be thinking about leaving, but probably not as soon as I am now as I can't handle the guilt and the lying. Even if I hadnt met this other man, I think I would have cheated on my husband eventually, it seems as if Im looking for a way out as 'not wanting the same things out of life' doesnt seem a good enough excuse to end a marriage but I feel so dissatisfied with my life. Am I doing the right thing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): you should start by telling your husband the truth and then talking about what you are both expecting out of life. maybe you will find you want more of the same things than you realise. There is obviously something strong holding you together as this is the 3rd time at giving the marriage ago. maybe you feel trapped and just want an excuse to leave so you have the space but why dont you try having 1 or 2 days a week where you both do your own thing.
That worked for me and my husband. But it all depends on how strongly you feel for the other man. If you want him then you are only hurting your husband more by dragging the situation out! Trust me he will know something is wrong he probarbly just does'nt want to accept it. I was in your husbands situation and trust me it is better to just get the situation out the way no matter what the outcome is!
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (29 June 2006):
 Sometimes I think being wishy washy and knowing what you want but not having the courage to say it kindly and be sure enough to be firm causes more hurt than it prevents.
Make a decision...stay or go....then find your happy spot and dig in. Don't wish for man #2 and stay with #1 and don't leave then come back then leave then wish you had not ever given up that guy who loves you enough to take you back over and over. If you really Knew that #2 was right...you would be there now.
You mention several times you are unhappy...but I think it is more about YOU then any man in your life. Nobody can make you happy...only YOU can make you happy. What are you really dissatisfied with? Do you feel empty, unloved, bored, useless, over worked or just stuck in the doldrums? Only you know and only you can find the dream you have forgotten about and make it happen. Maybe you want to help or be useful or sing in a band or act....I don't know...but you can make that happen. Do you want children? If you do and he does not that will eventually be a deal breaker for you or him.
Relationships are not all mad fulfilling passion and excitement....it takes effort to keep them afloat on a calm pool...add a few storms and you are bound to get damp and dreary from time to time. Happily ever after is just a way of saying "and then so much crap happened that it would take 60 volumes to tell you and you would not believe it anyway!"
You know what you want. You are just wanting someone to tell you that you should...blah blah blah...to see if its what your wanting to do anyway. If freedom is worth your house and dogs...fine. But, be willing to pay the price with lonely and maybe and someday. Do you just want what you can't have? Try it out. Rent a motel room in a nearby town for a week...and see if you really like the alone part. Take a week to think....without distractions and you may see you path more clearly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2006): I am having a sort of same problem with my husband as yourself, but in my case there in not a third person in between. We don´t own a house, but for the past year my husband is insisting on buying a house. There has been 02 opportunities for us to almost buy a house, but I always chance my mind and tell him that I will leave him or/I don´t like the house, etc. This time, I want to buy a house for him to keep it and take care for my two dogs & cat. I believe that maybe by finally buying a house he will be happy & accept the fact that I want to divorce him for so many reasons, most of them I am not happy with him after 10 years together & I don´t see a bring future. I believe that people change as life goes on! I just fear of my emotional health that has come down for the past weeks. I hope that in your case you will do the right thing! Wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 June 2006):
 No you aren't doing the right thing. Tell your husband the truth, it will hurt him less than if he finds out the hard way. Move out and into the rented room and start your divorce proceedings. Just as with your marriage, you'll find that you will be hard-pressed to find satisfaction with your new relationship. Honor, integrity, and self-esteem, all are needed in order to find true happiness. Until you acquire these you will find yourself in this same situation over and over again I'm afraid. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): The reason you want out of this marriage hun..is because you make the common error of allowing your emotional boundries to falter and you met another man. And that is what is sad about all this. Instead of working on your marriage, you found your needs fulfilled, elsewhere. Marriage is tough..it take perseverence, committment, devotion and damned hard work to make a go of it over the long term. Come clean and be honest with your husband. He at least deserves that. And then walk away and allow your husband to heal, recover and find another person who will give him the love he deserves. Just remember though, if you go to your other man, I am remiss to say, this relationship is one borne out of deception and infidelity.
Cheating behaviours do tell a lot of people a lot about one's character. It tells others that you cannot be trusted..and you may do it to them. And what about this other man you are cheating with...do you not ever wonder what kind of guy would interfere so blatantly in another man's marriage? I guess I'm wondering what your life with this other guy will be like, say...2-4 years down the road when the realities and tediums of a long term relationship set in. Good luck, dear.
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