A
male
age
51-59,
*racklewalk
writes:Hello.I'm a 47 year old man. I have trouble with having sex.My problems began with my first girlfriend. We had sex that first time. She came and I didn't. For months this went on and nothing seemed to work for me. After the next one I took a five year break to try to figure out what was wrong. I knew I wasn't gay, I just didn't like the sensation of being in someone. I started back up again and quickly realized the problem hadn't gone away. I dreaded going on dates so I met someone through a internet website. She eventually became my wife. She tried to "fix" me by taking me to a urologist. He checked me out and said everything was fine. Eventually, I just stopped trying and would cringe when she wanted sex. Eventually, she told me she wanted out and we got a divorce.I met another woman and within the first three months she admitted cheating on me. She suggested having an open relationship. I didn't like the idea. I mean, what's the point? After almost 3 years I discovered she'd been cheating on me again so we broke up. I've been through therapy seen a couple of doctors and no one can help me. Can you?
View related questions:
broke up, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, cracklewalk +, writes (22 July 2014):
cracklewalk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer.I'm sure I left a few details out. I did love these women but I never quite got that emotional connection with them. My ex wife said I was "emotionally disconnected". I believe her and I'm sure the next one felt the same way. When we were together I would take care of her first and then myself. Taking care of them involved oral sex. The last one said I wasn't very good at it. Then the only way I could satisfy myself was through masturbation. Neither one of them could do it through their touch. It always had to be my hand. They would dress up for me or talk dirty to me but even then sometimes, with all of their efforts, it wouldn't work. Satisfaction was never guaranteed. You can see why there would be no emotional connection here. The problem is completely in my head.Anyway, I've wrestled with this issue in the past 6 months since and I go back and forth with it. I know what will happen if I try to go with a conventional relationship again. I did look it up on the internet and it is possible I could be "asexual". I'm currently trying to find platonic friendships. I figure this is the best way to keep from hurting anyoneC..
A
female
reader, Mistresskiki  +, writes (22 July 2014):
It sounds as though there are two levels here - the physical and the mental.At no point in your post do you mention whether or not you loved any of your partners.You also come across as someone who feels as though he has been put under an immense amount of pressure b demanding women to 'perform' and, when you haven't met their expectations has been cruelly used and thrown away.I have to admit that I I am a tad biased when it comes to your story, as you sound almost exactly like my ex-husband.Could it be that you are asexual? Insofar as you have low sexual desire, only 'perform' (or attempt to) when feeling under pressure from social norms and conventions and aren't particularly bothered by abstaining for long periods of time. About 1% of the population are asexual.It does concern me, however that you don't seem able to see that for the majority of people, sex and physical intimacy are VERY important aspects of a full and vibrant life, and that most adult relationships rely on some degree of this if they are to succeed.Not once do you express regret that you didn't at least make some attempt to satisfy your partners in any way (penises aren't essential for this btw). Instead you basically say that these women made you cringe, or outraged your sensibilities when they suggested they go satisfy their physical needs while remaining with you for emotionally fulfillment.I am not saying that an open relationship is ideal, but at least the woman who suggested this was paying you the compliment of honesty; she saw there was an issue with you and physical intimacy, obviously was emotionally invested and suggested a workaround which meant she had her physical needs dealt with and took the pressure off you to 'perform', and it meant that she wouldn't have to lie to you in order for this to happen. The 'point' being that you couldn't/wouldn't satisfy those needs yourself. You refused this (why? is isn't as though it would endanger you in any way) and then seem to be surprised that she went out to get this physical satisfaction anyway. After three years, which would suggest that up to that point the relationship WAS emotionally satisfying, and you simply assumed that she was celibate.I can't offer any help, other than maybe you should acknowledge that you could be asexual, and stop assuming that just because you aren't in need of that outlet, your partners aren't either. If you really want an adult relationship either date another asexual person, or be completely honest about who you are from the get go and allow any prospective partner the gift of honesty and of choice because otherwise you will repeat this sorry cycle again and again.
...............................
|
