A
male
age
36-40,
*ondor86
writes:Hello.First off let me share my background.I'm a 21 year old guy, in a relationship with my 20 year old girlfriend. Although the relationship has only lasted 3 months this far, we've known each other for over two years, being best friends and each other's confidant for more than half of that time, and harboring a secret love during most of the last year.Our friendship was as good as it gets, with a lot of caring, fun, trust and support. All of it completely unconditional. There were the ocassional arguments of course, but they could be counted using a hand's fingers.After we got together, things seemed to change. My trust for her started to disappear, I started needing her to spend more time with me and only me, until we both ended up isolated from everyone else. I started getting upset if she decided to use her free time to socialize with someone else.The arguments grew up in periodicity and intensity, being weekly at first and having the intensity of only a disagreement, to occurring more and more often; With one of us threatening to leave and the other one begging for another chance. I was the first one who tried to leave, because I felt I was constantly hurting her, but I couldn't get myself to do it. She did it as well during the last two arguments.After she showed me a quiz online about the topic, it became obvious for me that I had been emotionally abusive and controlling with her.My problem is, now that I've recognized my behaviour and understood my mistake...What's the first step I have to give in order to change myself completely?Is it a good idea to revert back to close friends while I solve these issues, or would it help if I count with her support as my partner?Despite the arguments, we still spent great times together and spoke a lot about our future, and I'd like to do anything I can to make her happy again.Any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
View related questions:
best friend, emotionally abusive, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2007): Hi, it sounds like from your letter that you are very serious about your girlfriend, and it is wonderful that the two of you started out as friends.
Now that you are in a relationship that is romantic, you are dealing with stronger emotions, and after 3 months of dating you are probably in the attachment phase, and some power struggles are rearing their ugly head.
First off, I don't think it is a great idea to isolate yourselves from other people and only see each other, and see each other every day....What a recipe for failure! You can't stop being who you were before you got together, so start behaving more like yourselves and keep up your varied interests, and see each other less often, like maybe 3 times a week...there is no need to rush the togetherness and at least one of you is feeling suffocated.
To deal with power struggles, just stop and start asking your partner non threatening and non judgemental questions about what it is they really want at that moment and what they need from you...try to put yourself in her frame of reference and be more understanding of her position, and reach a better understanding and then go on togethr without feeling like you are now farther apart....talk untill you can understand, and you will continue to feel safe and secure in your relationship.
You don't sound like you are abusive, and may have been a little controlling, but that is an easy thing to stop doing with a little trust and respect and communication.
A
female
reader, Gwyneth  +, writes (25 March 2007):
 You sound like a very sweet and honest person. Your candor regarding your relationship and your shortcomings is to be congratulated.The first step in healing this relationship is by admitting your mistakes, and you have already done that, so well done!The next step is to try to understand where your instincts toward controlling her and your emotional abuse issues come from. These instincts are entirely normal and purely human. Usually, they originate in childhood. In my humble view, you might consider a bit of therapy to help you understand yourself more and then work on changing.I wish you luck and love.G
...............................
A
male
reader, home_land  +, writes (25 March 2007):
 hellothis what you are having can destroy your love to her we as humans are 2 parts thinkig and feelig mind and soul your love is part of your sperit and your behaver is what you think if you want do it right you have to keep balancebetween your sperit and your way of thinkingand go away for a week or 2 dont phone her just write a letter a nice love letter and walk to the post office and drop it there its really fun and think positive of your self and her.good luck
...............................
|
