A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This isn’t really a problem just more a curiousity So this guy I did used to fancy him but now we’re just friends. But I’ve noticed since I’ve know him when he has a bf he ignores me and when he doesn’t he talks to me I just trying to understand why that is I send things over to him on a weekly basis nothing to reply too just general stuff we both like but when his single he talks to me about that stuff and when he isn’t he ignores It’s annoying lol Last time we did speak he was trying to get me to pay for a night out for him but I’m not that gullible to be used so knocked it back Like does he deep down fancy me so I’m an option when his single Or does he think his using me for attention Am I just overthinking it or is he just a user I mean he knows I did fancy him and I’ve made it clear to him I don’t anymore Should I just block and ignore him is our common likes just a waste of time? I don’t really understand things like this as I’m so forward and honest so just want a bit of clarity on it Reply to this Question
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 April 2020):
 Well I don’t think he likes you romantically no, if he did then why wouldn’t something happen when you’re both single?
In all honesty it seems like he’s using you for a confidence boost when he’s single. He ignores you when he has someone else to focus on, he doesn’t even sound like a friend in all honesty.
I’d forget about him and move on with my life personally.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2020): You come across like a sensible guy, who is clearly affected by this guy's behaviour. In a nutshell, the only thing left to do here is to cut Tues with him. Completely. Not in a passionate or confrontational way, but rather in a logical and dispassionate way. Just let him know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour affects you negatively, that your energy goes down when he does what he does and that he puts you in a bad mood. Tell him you need some time off and that you'd prefer not to be in contact for a while (and by a while, read forever!). Afterwards do your best to mot call, text or meet. Don't reply or answer when he reaches out. Find yourself a great guy to fall in love with and forget about this looser. He's a fantasy from the past, who you once lusted over. Snap yourself back to reality and see him for what he his: someone who seems friendly but who is not a friend. A narcissist whi doesn't think of you as anything other than a crutch when he needs one. Cut.him.loose. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 April 2020):
 I think a LOT of people have a tendency to ignore people who aren't CLOSE friends when they have a new partner. And then when they are single, they want that attention again.
I don't think he fancies you, I think he KNOWS that you USED to fancy him and when he was hoping to get a "sponsored" night out on your expense, he tried to USE that.
He seems like a "fair weather" kind of friend/acquaintance nothing more.
If YOU are looking for someone to date or for an ACTUAL friend I think you are barking up the wrong kind of tress.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2020): [EDIT]:
Typo corrections:
"They don't even know all the facts, they just decide your enemies are my enemies."
"You thrive on his love, not his shade."
Better said:
"You thrive on his light, not in his shade."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2020): You might be overthinking, if he's gay and you're asking if he "fancies" you in the str8 sense of the word. You used to fancy him, and he may be using that. Be careful!
Correct me if you meant "gf" rather than bf.
In gay-culture, he's what we refer to as a "shady queen!" You gave the dictionary-definition of what that is in describing your fair-weather friend.
It's pretty common in-general, that people get caught-up in their "flavor of the month;" and might only recall they do have friends, when they're either in need of something, or their dating-pool has dried-up.
I am soooooo glad you didn't let him play you for a sucker. That's the shadiest of gay-behavior! When they beg, borrow, or steal! If you have no money, stay home! If you invite people out, and you're broke; you are an opportunist! You didn't really want time with your friends, you wanted a night-out "on your friends!" That's throwing shade.
If they smile to your face, and gossip about you behind your back. Throwing shade! If they can only speak to you in a condescending-tone; but won't hesitate to ask you for a favor. That's throwing shade.
He doesn't fancy you in the romantic-sense, but he values you when he's lonely. That is throwing shade!!!
You should address the issue directly. Tell him that it hurts your feelings that when he has a boyfriend he seems to ignore you. If he values you as a friend, "stop throwing shade your way!" True-friends are hard to come-by these days; because people like you when you're "useful." They need you when they're down on their luck; or need an ally when they are surrounded and outnumbered by their enemies. BTW, don't make anybody's enemies your enemies. Stay in the neutral-zone, but back your friends up; if they are being mistreated, abused, or insulted. You're in the neutral-zone because there are two-sides to every story, and you don't go after anybody that hasn't done anything to you. Gays are notorious for being cliquish and turning on people in hordes. They don't even know all the facts, they just decide you enemies are my enemies. That's how some fruits end-up in jail! I can say that, I'm gay!
I think a good talking-to, and some silence or nonchalance towards his messages will get your point across. Careful not to be petty. Just don't jump when the queen snaps her fingers! You're not there for his entertainment; nor are you waiting on the shelf in the back of the closet, when he's short on cash or company. Feel free to quote me if you wish! You thrive on his love, not his shade.
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