A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really work hard on being a good lover. I´ve really thought and read alot on the subject. Only thing is the woman I´m with, as shes more on the recieving end-doesn´t do much but reap the benefits, and I feel like I´m walking a one way street. I believe my woman, and now that I think about, every woman I´ve ever been with, with a couple exceptions, know nothing to little, about pleasing a man, instead act as recievers to my loving actions, which is probably lucky for them, because I´m pretty good at this stuff. google, ¨be the best lover he´s ever had¨and you´ll find ¨she¨ in ¨he´s¨place. So thats life maybe- women subjugated to the life of multiple orgasms! Can someone please tell me: what does it mean to be a good lover (if you´re a woman)? Because fellatio alone doesn´t cut it. and even that, seems difficult to the majority of women...even the experienced ones!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Maybe you could take a leaf from the bad lovers. Tell her your the man, and no more sex for her untill you decide to give it to her. Tell her that from now on your in charge and they'll be no more kissing and good stuff untill you think she's loved you good. Maybe your giving her too much good loving and she'd really love for you to get carried away and give her the rough treatment. "Lie down girl, it's my turn, you just do what I say"... I give this advice with CAUTION, things may go wrong. But I asked a man friend for help and that's what he said might be the problem with your situation. Maybe you need to take control, maybe she really would like to be "whamed, banged and thank you mamed"... BE VERY CAREFULL WITH THIS, IT MIGHT CAUSE HER TO GET FRIGHTENED AND LEAVE...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I've wanted to answer your question for a couple of days, but to tell the truth you had me stumped. Thanks for the reply and the update. If you practice Tantra, I'd say your open minded and serious about giving your lover pleasure. It's hard to tell from my end, many men think they're good lovers, but they really don't come up to scratch. But back to your problem, it's a hard one, but I'll try and give some usefull advice.
Troubletoomuch has given some great advice. Showers and cuddles and stuff really turn a woman on. So does a man that cooks, takes her out, buys presents and rubs her shoulders at the end of the month. Usually this type of treatment turns a woman on, and then her feminine desire kicks in and she wants to love you and explore you all over. I can't see what your doing wrong, and I don't know the lady so I can't see what the hang up is. Maybe you've just picked yourself a selfish lover. All take and no give, so to say. But that's not a solution for you, that dosen't change the situation.
Her failure to appreciate your good qualities, and her overuse of "Johnny Penis" dosen't sound good. As you've said it's probably her ignorance, she probably dosen't have as good knowledge about sex as you do. As you've said the problem could be "perhaps doesn´t know how to reciprocate, hence, I´m always in the giving mode".
You need to have your time as well. Try a game of strip poker, chess or any other game your good at. Make sure you cheat and make sure she looses. If she drinks, make sure she drinks a lot, not enough to get drunk, but enough to be comfortable and climb out of the box. The price of wining is a piece of clothes, and then sexual favours. Make sure you win, and be imaginative with what you ask. If she feels uncomfortable, just ask her to do something else that she feels more comfortable doing.
If she dosen't mind oral sex, then I suggest you bring desert into the bedroom. Chocolate and cream makes the penis taste better, keep putting it on and she'll keep licking it off. It'll make an awfull mess and you can clean up in the morning.
You need to negoitate very carefully with this one. But remember sex should be fun, fun, fun. Everytime she pisses you off, everytime she dose something wrong and appologises, write yourself a voucher for sexual pleasure, tell her she did wrong and she's got to make it up to you and Johnnny Penis in the bedroom. I think your already owed a voucher. Shouting at Johnny Penis for being tired is not fair. Next time your in bed, tell her she better have a good imagination to help Johnny Penis out, because he might not want to continue to play unless she helps out.
Start the routine of "King for a day", "Queen for a day". One day it's her turn, and you do what she says, another day it's your turn, and you get to lie on your back while she does the work. If she dosen't mind porn, get some soft stuff and make love together whilst your watching it. You do the guy stuff and she does the girl stuff. If she refuses anything then you get a voucher and get to lie on your back again.
I hope you can see the point. You have worked hard, you deserve some relaxation and pleasure too. Even if you have to lie, cheat and manipulate, you got to change things in this situation. You've got more sense, so you should be on top. Use your imagination, use your creativity, use your knowledge to seduce her and show her how much fun you can have if she gets more involved.
If you've tried all of this, then it's time for you and her to talk. Tell her how you feel, tell her your tired of doing all the work and you want kisses and caresses back, tell her your unhappy in the bedroom. Show her the books you've been reading and tell her how hard you try to please her. Tell her she's shit in bed and you expect her to improve. Tell her what pleases you and how you like to be kissed and touched. Tell her if only one person is happy in the bedroom, no matter how good the relationship is, they will become unhappy and probably look at other women and become less and less involved in the relationship as time goes on.
Sorry, I've probably not helped. Yes your problem is a real one, yes this thing is unfair, and of course you deserve more. But I can't see much else that you can do, except to tell her that you've had enough. Maybe if you feel secure enough, you could show her what you've written. How desperate you've been that you've had to tell your problem to strangers. Tell her to write in to us and I'll try and tell her to clean up her act and stop treating you wrong. Sorry, but I really don't know how to make things right for you. Please keep in touch, I'd be very interested to find out how you get on. Take care of you babes, hugs....
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female
reader, °Ale°  +, writes (10 July 2008):
 I did post a question asking if you spoke Spanish but for some weird reason it didn't post. But, do you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni thank you for the answers. The truth is, I´m fully aware of those things you talk about- I do those things, however, occasionally I feel that I think so much about those intimate details that you mention, and she appreciates them, but perhaps doesn´t know how to reciprocate, hence, I´m always in the giving mode. And to be honest, it happened that, after really pleasuring her and making love to her for a long time, the next day I couldn´t hold an erection. She seemed frustrated, and I started thinking- I give and give, finally, I can´t, and your frustrated...hence the thought that, I spend so much time thinking of your pleasure,i.e massage, touch, caress,
tantra, etc...that my efforts are taken for granted and the moment I can´t have an erection, frustration ensues..
sorry I didn´t elaborate more. I quite enjoy sensuality, bathing with my lover, slow deliberate love making, tantric sex, talking, romance, etc....but I suppose what I´m saying is I think tremendous emphasis is placed on her pleasure, and I perhaps wouldn´t mind a little of the pleasure she´s recieving, espeacially when I´m having a little trouble you know where.... Thanks for the advice though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): There is more to being a good lover than how many orgasms you can give her or how many positions you are good at or how good you at giving her oral. This is the technical part. Sure, women like this, but from my limited experience, there are things that are more important to them. They want affection and a feeling of love. Sex is fine and it feels good if done right and it gives both partners physical pleasure. But love and affection are what is most important. Things like gentle kissing (lips, neck, body), holding them beside you in bed, touching them gently, being affectionate sometimes (or often) without any expectation of sex. Be affectionate both before and after sex. Lots of gentle foreplay and holding them after the sex is over. My wife sometimes falls asleep with her head on my chest or shoulder after sex, with me holding her. One time back when we were dating we slept that way all night and I could hardly move my arm for 2 days. Some women like to shower with a guy. An ex girlfriend got me started doing that and my wife and I have done it for 28 years ever since. These are the types of things that my wife told me was unusual compared to her past boyfriends. I didn’t know as many positions as some of them did when we first started dating, but I cared about her enjoyment of sex more than I cared about mine. Perhaps that is why she broke up with her previous boyfriend right after our first date. My caring about her is why, when she isn’t in the mood and I’m horny, that she sometimes just tells me to use some lube and screw her.
As Diovan said, sex is not a competition. It is not a competition to see who can give her the most orgasms. I think that most women would rather have 1 orgasm in a session and have affection like I described above than have 5 orgasms and no affection and have the guy just roll over and go to sleep after the sex is over. I know that my wife would. Sometimes we will cuddle in bed for an hour without having sex. It is not just because we are in our 60s either. We did that sometimes when we were in our 30s and 40s. The psychological feeling of love is better than the physical feeling of an orgasm for both sexes. Both are necessary for a loving and successful relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): There's so many things wrong with your attitude that I don't know where to start. The truth is if a man is a good lover then off course a woman will have multiple orgasms, that's the way we're built. You sound jealous that your not the same and want what a woman has. Your definition of a good lover sound strange to me, you don't even sound like you have enough knowledge to hit first base. Most men rush things, and most men are very technical. Push this, rub this, orgasms, then sleep. That's not good loving thats a recipie to help you get to sleep. There's more to a man's body than just his dick, he has legs, arms and lips. You can kiss, stroke and caress. Most men find enjoyment in a womans body and love to make her enjoy herself, but this is not enough for you. It's like you think sex is a competition, you've got to do this and that and then your good. What about telling a woman what you want, what about asking her to touch you and make you feel good. Your talking about a human being not a robot, you haven't slept with enough women to say that we all have certain difficulties in the bedroom. I don't think your problems are with the women your with, I believe it's something to do with yourself. Relax and have fun, rather than judging a woman because she not also "the best lover in the world"... Pick up a copy of the Karma Sutra, I think better education might help you with your problem and issues around control.
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