A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi Everyone,I am adopted but was raised in what I would consider a fairly dysfinctional family unit where my mother is dominant and my father is very submissive.I am, however, very traditional in my views and believe that in a marriage a woman should look after the household and their children predominantly and the man should 'be the breadwinner' and deal with the finances and associated decisions. I believe that this is because I feel that the balance of power in my parents relationship was not conducive to a happy and successful family life for myself and my siblings.My boyfriend who I love very much and hope to marry is very successful in his career, dominant and firm in his beliefs which match mine that I have outlined above. He became concerned today when a friend pointed out to him that women tend to choose partners that are similar to their fathers and that my father is the polar opposite to him!! I was unsure how to reassure him other than to point out my views on gender roles.I'm just wondering what everyone thinks about women choosing men who are similar to their fathers as husbands? And also your views on gender roles in relationships?Many thanks,Aisha Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, GettingHelp  +, writes (31 August 2010):
Very often it can be found that people choose partners that have some similarity to their opposite sex parent.
Freud had a theory about this, with two names based on the gender of the 'child'. Oedipus and Electra syndrome. Oedipus was a character in one of Sophocles plays who through a series of unfortunate events unknowingly kills his father (he is unaware it is his father) and marries his mother (again unaware she is his mother). Hence the name, Oedipus.
Freud's theory suggests that a child is on a deep subconcious level jealous of their same-sex parent and in love with their opposite sex parent.
But not everyone chooses partners that resemble physically, mentally or characteristically their opposite sex parent.
No-one really knows what the link is but it has been found that a HUGE majority of women are married to men who have the same noses as the women's father. Weird what UK scientists study right? But it is interesting.
I can't and won't pass judgement on whether it is "right" or "wrong" to marry someone similar to your opposite sex parent or someone who is totally different. Honestly as long as you are happy why should it matter. I'm personally comfortable with either and would never pass judgement on another with regards to this.
Hope this helps
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I believe and have found that people uneducated in the ways of the subconscious mind will choose someone similar to their opposite-sex parent as a mate. (That's not to say uneducated people - I'm saying people who've not studied, either on their own or formally, how the subconscious mind works.)It's been my experience that where something is "broken" between the parent-child relationship, people will attempt to "fix" it in their adult lives with their opposite-sex relationships.Where there is no opposite-sex parent, as in my case, there may be an ideal of an opposite-sex parent, and that's the mate chosen. At first I didn't believe this, but the more I studied, the more I found this to be so.I also believe and have found that those who realize that this occurs, change their own ways, often through cognitive therapy, will choose a better match and a healthier relationship (assuming an unhealthy relationship existed between the parent and child).Whatever the reason, you've opted to choose a mate that you believe is NOT similar to your father, at least on the surface. You may consider looking at the relationship a little closer and seeing if there may be similarities. Not saying it would be a bad thing. It may be there are similarities that may be acceptable - areas where you are simply more dominant. Or maybe you have someone other than your father who was more of a father-figure to you and is the person after whom you have modeled your mate.In any event, it seems ridiculous that he would be upset because someone pointed this out, as any such thing wouldn't be true of every single relationship in the world. Regarding gender roles, in our family, we don't split the work based on gender. We split it based on who has time to do what on a given day. We both own our own businesses and sometimes one is busier than the other, so he may cook dinner or I may cook it. I may take the car for an oil change, or he may. I wouldn't have it any other way.
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (31 August 2010):
I'm not really sure how accurate that saying is. I certainly don't know many examples of where the man is similar to the father. And I know that I really don't want a partner similar to my father because my family life was not ideal. I think in these cases (unhappy family), you want your own family life to be completely different, which is understandable.
In terms of gender roles in relationships, I think most people, myself included, have somewhat sexist views, with some equality thrown in, since it is the 21st century. So while we "believe" that men and women should contribute, and there are no tasks that are male or female, most of us think the man should not stay home, the woman should cook, and the men should pay for dates and do the driving. While we may not insist on that, it still sort of strikes us as slightly strange if it isn't the case. But times are changing from just a few decades ago, that's for sure.
...............................
|
