A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to start this off with this: I am not looking for pity in this post, because I am sick and tired of girls (and guys) just looking for attention. I am truly looking for advice because I have nowhere else to go. The last place I wanted to throw this out in the open was to random people on the Internet, so please take this seriously and respond sincerely. Also, sorry about the long post. In December 2009, my boyfriend raped me. I denied it to myself for a long time, and I stayed with him. We never talked about it, and we did not have sex again. When I finally brought up the fact that it actually happened to him one day, it spawned on arguing that went on for at least five months. I don't know why I stayed with him, and I feel as though I will never be able to forgive myself for staying. After it happened, any interest I had in anything was gone. And I thought that this was all I deserved. I feel like my whole idea of sex has been warped, and even though I have a new boyfriend and we are sexually active, I just cannot quite get "into it." I feel like I am the only girl that has next to no desire to have sex. If I have sex, it is only for his pleasure, not mine. Everyone says that sex is about "love" and all of that bullshit. I see it so much differently. My question is, is it normal to feel this way even though it has been more than a year since I was raped? I feel like I should have gotten over it by now. I am only 18, and to be this uninterested in sex is humiliating. People lose their sex drive when they're older, but I haven't even lived yet and I've already lost it. I also am greatly offended by porn (like a lot of women). I hate thinking that my boyfriend watches/watched it. It disgusts me. Basically anything to do with sex is repulsive to me. If anyone could give me some sort of suggestion as to what to do to increase my sex drive, that would be great.Once again, sorry about the unnecessarily long post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much...your post really helped me out a lot. And I will read the book and try to find some kind of help. If I can. Thank you for your sincere response(s). It means a lot to me, you have no idea.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): "In December 2009, my boyfriend raped me."This is a major distortion of sexual activity and really hurts a woman when it happens, or a man for that matter. It causes psychological associations with sex that are not good. However, you can get through it and enjoy sex again. This happened to my wife many years ago, and was repeated more than once."I denied it to myself for a long time, and I stayed with him."This is very common, many women stay with the rapist."We never talked about it, and we did not have sex again."Also very common, and many women will never talk about it, and many women never acknowledge even to themselves that they have been raped, or they blame themselves for it and never blame the guy."I don't know why I stayed with him, and I feel as though I will never be able to forgive myself for staying."This is a common thing as well, and you do need to figure out how to forgive yourself. Contact a rape hotline and get linked into some counseling. Do it while you are young, and it will be much better than if you wait till you are 40."After it happened, any interest I had in anything was gone. And I thought that this was all I deserved."Also very common, this is "normal" response to an "abnormal" event."I feel like my whole idea of sex has been warped, and even though I have a new boyfriend and we are sexually active, I just cannot quite get "into it.""It has been warped, something that is supposed to be a complex, warm, joyous and secure act has been turned into a power/dominance trauma inducing event."If I have sex, it is only for his pleasure, not mine."This is important, you need to work with professional help to get to the other place with sex. You can do it."My question is, is it normal to feel this way even though it has been more than a year since I was raped?"Yes, and on a personal note, this will continue until you can open up with help and work through this. My wife was raped the first time over 30 years ago, subsequent rapes didn't mean anything because it was "normal" for men to do this. We had married, had children, and yet there was this recurring problem with intimacy that was puzzling. I didn't know what was wrong in our marriage, nearly left her after over 15 years of truly loving her and ongoing problems that seemed to have no cause other than her not really liking me (which didn't seem to be true until we were alone). Then, I pressed her, pressed her hard, to talk, with a counselor, and finally the dam burst open. It changed our lives together. By way of illustration, on how difficult this is, my wife is educated, professional, accomplished, and quite the loving mother and wife, and yet she could not talk about this. It took her 4 counselors over 20 years and one very persistent spouse before she opened up to the 4th counselor, and only opened up there after we'd been in counseling for 7 months. So, give yourself room and time to work."I feel like I should have gotten over it by now."This takes years to get through, and you have to be open with future sexual partners and they have to be understanding. However, the first place for understanding if in you, and you need to forgive yourself, be compassionate to yourself, and gentle with yourself."I am only 18, and to be this uninterested in sex is humiliating."Rape does this to people, it is a humiliation."I also am greatly offended by porn (like a lot of women). I hate thinking that my boyfriend watches/watched it. It disgusts me. Basically anything to do with sex is repulsive to me."That is because sex is not what it is supposed to be, your perceptions of sex are damaged by the rape and the aftermath of it."If anyone could give me some sort of suggestion as to what to do to increase my sex drive, that would be great."You must get professional help. You must do this, not just for yourself, but for all your future relationships as well as the current one.Call a rape hotline, get help."Once again, sorry about the unnecessarily long pos"Your post is not to long, this will take a lot of work.Here is a book that might help. It helped me understand my wife, and she read it after I did and it helped her understand herself better. However, it did not make her feel better at first to read this, in fact it made her feel worse because she started seeing things that she had done in the past in their proper light, so it was painful to understand. However, you are young, you don't have to do all that, you can work to understand now and to have a future that is what it should be. http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I really appreciate your responses I really do think the answer is councilling, the problem is, paying for it. I hope you all are right and that one day I'll be able to experience sex as something "beautiful." Maybe I should talk to my current boyfriend about how I feel, but I just feel like he's already had to deal with enough, what with me having to tell him about me being victimized in the first place. I feel like I skipped many "steps" in the process of getting over being raped. I told my boyfriend that I was over it, that it was a thing of the past. I honestly thought I was up until the past few weeks. I feel like this is never going to end, and I can't run from it.
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male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (8 February 2011):
The clear answer is that after what happened with you and your ex, you have developed a very negative image of sex, which is understandable. He violated your space and your trust and that whole idea became the lens through which you see sexual interactions.
And those people are right by the way; sex is about love. However, that has been very absent from sex for a long time, especially in this generation. With the availability of birth control, abortion clinics, and adoption agencies, having sex simply for pleasure has never been easier. Its completely lost its intimacy and has became nothing more than a step in the relationship ("Well, we've been dating for a few months now. I guess that means its time to start having sex.")
But sex, when experienced right, can be so beautiful. Give yourself time and I'm sure you'll have it as its meant to be had. I'd talk with your current boyfriend about all of this too. He may take offense to it, but he needs to know that you aren't getting anything from your sexual relationship. Maybe he'll be able to take more care and meaning into the intercourse rather than just doing it to do it.
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reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (8 February 2011):
It's hardly surprising you've lost your sex drive. Sex is something that is supposed to be fun and enjoyable and all that has been ripped away from you because of what your ex did.You are now seeing sex in a different light and are mentally scarred by what has happened. There is no set timescale for you to get over it. Some can get over it within time, some never.You need to be sure you are totally comfortable and trusting of your new boyfriend in a bid to help your sex life improve. You will obviously be wary at the back of your mind of what happened and be afraid of a repeat, even though it probably won't.The other option could be counselling.
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