A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex-boyfriend made a sex tape when we were together but now we’ve split up I’m petrified he’ll post it online to humiliate me. I’m 23 and my ex is 24. We were together for 2 years and engaged at one point. But the relationship broke down a couple of months ago and we ended on really bad terms. During our relationship we had a very active sex life and both had a very kinky side. One day we decided to film ourselves doing it and would watch the tape from time to time to get ourselves in the mood. When we split, the tape didn’t even cross my mind at the time. I didn’t take it with me or ask him to destroy it, so I know he still has it in his possession. I’m really scared now because of all the ‘revenge porn’ stories you hear about. Plus I feature more prominently in the video than he does, as most of it was filmed from his point of view. I feel a bit embarrassed to confront him about it though as it’s been a couple of months since we last spoke and I think he has a new girlfriend now. Then again what rights do I have over it? It was filmed with his camera and I was fully consensual, so does that make it his property? I know deep down he’s not the type to do that kind of thing but still I keep worrying about it. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): Here in the United States they are enacting laws to make it criminal to have Revenge Porn sites and posting of nude photos and videos online. So far there are laws in 16 states. It is a start.Once it is out there "online", it is out there to be copied and recopied "forever." A lot of sites are from Asia. If one site goes down, another goes up.A lot of hot wives and hot girlfriends nude photos are posted on the internet without the women ever being aware their husband and boyfriends are doing this behind their backs! If only these women knew that these men are up to no good and getting off on posting nude photos for the world to see and reading comments from other men.It's a sickness really.Here is a link to what they are doing to combat this in the United States.http://withoutmyconsent.org/Hopefully your ex will be a good guy and delete the video. But, you will never will really know.Your best bet is to talk to him and get it deleted and hope he hasn't made an extra copy.Look at the at the laws in the UK, file a police report if you must or hire an attorney to know your rights.A letter to your ex stating that you want the video deleted and not posted online could help.Even if the video does not get posted online, maybe there is a way to have the video destroyed under a court order and have an IT person wipe his hard drive clean.Just because it was fully consensual at the time, doesn't mean you have the right to change your mind.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 July 2015):
 If you have a halfway decent break up and still talking I'd ask him to met up, then ask him to delete it.
You are a grown woman, you have every right to make tapes with a long term partner. And you have every right to ASK him (actually demand) that he deletes it.
BUT If I were you, I'd not make any more in the future. If he has had it on his phone or cloud, it can be ANYWHERE. If it's on a hard drive or lap top IT CAN STILL get stolen. So yes, talk to him and ask him to delete it.
If he gets cocky I would remind him of the law. Which clearly states that you HAVE to give YOUR consent for him to post it. I know and hate the term "revenge porn", because it's not for porn purposes, he'd post it out of revenge, it would be to demean or shame you.. and that is as LOW as a person can go.
So look up the laws in your country so you KNOW what to tell him if he drags his heels.
A DECENT guy would delete it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 July 2015):
 It's not his property any more than it is yours. Furthermore, he has no right to show it or publish it without your consent. Although, I am unfamiliar with the laws in your country. In Norway it is illegal to publish pictures of someone without their consent. Videos as well. There was recently a case where two young men had been sharing hacked images of young girls, and they were sentences to jail for it.
I would call him, or better yet, I would show up at his door. Then talk to him about it face to face. That way it's easy to tell if he's lying to you or not, whereas anyone can say anything by text messages and you wouldn't know the difference. Ask him about the video, ask that it be deleted.
But if you ever do come across it online, or get told that he has showed it off to others, or published it, I would say you could file a police report.
Next time, if you ever make such a video, always make sure you have full access to it, and have the ability to delete it, if necessary. Luckily though, most men are NOT complete idiots with no brains. Most men would not publicly share something that is private, and that was between him and his ex. Most men, to my knowledge, are by far more private about their relationships, both current and previous ones, than women are. They don't kiss and tell. Not even for revenge.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): Chances are, hes probably forgotten about it like you had!! Or maybe hes remembered and deleted it himself?
Do not worry what he has done with it just yet..
Just as soon as you get an insecurity that its on the internet, ring the police immediately!!!
hope your ok!
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A
female
reader, molliejay +, writes (6 July 2015):
 hi there,
I understand your concerns. It is mow, in the UK to post, show or share intimate videos/photos a criminal offence.
Maybe try speaking to him (doesn't have to be direct contact). A lot of people find speaking over text, email, a lot easier.
You spent a significant amount of time in a relationship. so hopefully he will have more respect for you and maybe even deleted the video as you suspect he has a new girlfriend.
Hope everything goes ok.
Take care.
Mollie Jay
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): 1. Don't make tapes? We live in a technological age.Nothing can be ever fully deleted.2. No, he does not have the right to post it anywhere. The sex was consensual, the sharing of it is NOT consensual.3. Forget about it.It seems to me that since he has moved on, asking about this now might actually make him vengeful.If he hasn't threatened you with publishing it and you are CONVINCED that he is not the type of guy to post it, then why even post this "problem" on here?If you are that convinced that he won't-is not really a problem.I think you are still scared he might do it-in which case-forget about it. He can give you the tape and then what??? It's so easy to make copies nowadays and you will never know for sure if he has stored copies/files elsewhere. So if no threats etc.=best course of action is to stop worrying about an imagined threat and get on with your life. ps: Out of curiosity: How do you know is not out there already,btw? I mean if you are that concerned surely you've checked a couple of websites (i.e. you can easily google your name and "amateur" on porn websites and see if it comes up?)If you've checked and there is nothing=why worry?
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