A
female
age
51-59,
*onfusedandhurting
writes:i met a guy on the internet a year and a half ago and when we first met ahh he was great the usual and clamed to love me very much , alot has gone on since we have had alot of small rows lead to big fights and even splits, we were going through a break up when i found out i was pregnant which was a big shock after 17 years and he was over the moon, he went and got help with his drinking problem and still things were very rocky, he was getting help and i was trying to sort things out and felt very alone because anytime we faught he would leave the house,the last time we broke up was a month ago and all i said was f*** o** on the text so next i knew he had ceaned out the wardrope with his clothes and left the key on the mantel piece i rang him and he said "you told me to f*** o** so i did " and i said i told you to F*** O** not to pack and leave and he said well i did. this was a big shock to me and for days i tried to ring him and he wouldnt answer me but would text !! what was that all about i asked him and he told me that he had alot going on and needed time to himself!!this was the same guy for months claimed to love me very much and never wanted us apart as he said. so eventually about 4 days later i rang him and opened my heart to him on how i really felt and how i missed him so much, he said he did too and that he would be home that night, i was so happy but this time when we were back together i found him to be speaking to me rudely and to walk away from me alot if i had something to talk to him abouy he would go off for a couple of hours and claim to be at aa meetings and meeting his sponcer, i also found him to be very inconsiderate around me especially now i was pregnant and alot walking ahead of me alot he seems to be very angry and then will cuddle into me afterwards sometimes and i feel sometimes so used for a sex partner as long as there is no questions asked and things are done his way i feel that things are on the up !!! whats going on because i am so lost and very upset alot lately with all this ? thank you
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 July 2009):
 I think you feel lost because things have not turned out the way you expected. This man is not who you think he is.
Women do this all the time in relationships. They meet someone, and their mind immediately begins to crate a perfect scenario. They imagine the man, despite his faults will become the love of their life and give them everything they need to make a relationship perfect in their eyes. Women tend to take anything a man says and weave it into something magical because their heart longs for stability and someone to rely on.
Men take things more at face value, they want to please women to a certain extent because they need the boost to their ego, to know they are 'doing well'. However if things move too quickly and beyonf their control, they will revert back to their own wants and needs, they retreat into themselves and they do indeed need space. I think it is a very male thing to ask for space. It means they are not coping with the situation and want time to work it out on their own. Women are pushy for getting what they want and will seldom leave a man alone long enough to come to his own conclusion. This interference during his 'thinking time' can make him panic and react in a way he doesn't want to...there fore the conclusion, at that point is under duress and eventually he will have to ask for space again.
This man told you he loved you and at some level he may. He has other problems that he is dealing with, and given time he may sort them out. You have manipulated the situation by telling him to 'get lost', to a man it means just that...GET LOST. Then you confuse him by saying you want him to get lost but not to leave you?...and in the mix of it all you became pregnant.
I expect this guy is on overload right now. He isn't sure of what he wants. He feels pressurised and doesn't feel in control.
Read your post again...YOU did all the phoning first, YOU opened your heart and poured it all out to him, YOU asked him to come back. It's all YOU YOU YOU and what you want. He came back, I suspect, not because he wanted to, but because he felt pressured to and he is very obviously not happy with the situation because NOW he is being rude and evasive with you.
I know this is very upsetting for you as you have feelings for this man but you seriously need to let him go. You need to back off about a million miles and just get on with your life. You are going to have a baby and he will need to have contact and support you financially (hopefully he will but millions of men do not...it's just a fact of life unfortunately) Having a baby with someone absolutely doesn't guarantee you can have a successful relationship with them. You are asking him to treat you with respect because you are pregnant...but in honesty, why should he?...He feels trapped as the pregnancy wasn't planned, and he is flipping out because of this. Of course he will continue to have sex with you because men have 'needs' and you are there and convienient. If you feel used...then quit having sex with him...simple as that.
If you give him space...and I mean A LOT of space, carry on with your own life and sort yourself out to get you to a good place, he may eventually decide he wants to return...or he may not.
I know this is a hurtful situation to be in but it happens to hundreds of people everyday. You cannot force someone to be in a relationship with you, pregnant or not.
A harsh fact of life indeed!!!
I hope you find some peace.
Aunty Em x
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