A
female
age
41-50,
*o scared
writes:As you see from my name. I am just that...so scared. I have been married now for nine years and with my husband for thirteen years. I found out maybe two weeks ago that he has been having an affair. Also with a person I know but through someone else and she knew about me. I found out that they had the affair three years ago, and that a child was produced out of it. He's uncertain if its his. We have been trying to have a child for about seven years. It also have cost us over twenty five thousand dollars. I am so hurt lonely and scared at this moment. We also was planning another try that will run about the same price. I need to know am I crazy or am I just really in love for me to forgive him.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 October 2010):
 You're welcome. That is a good update that the child was not his. Now, once a week I want you two to begin going on a date. This will help you reconnect and rebuild intimacy in your marriage. I feel you're at the point where doing a few things different, or even a little wild and crazy is in order. Don't just be married.... that's boring. Live a little and become each others best friend all over again.
If you need anything else, you know where to find me. lol Take care.
A
female
reader, so scared +, writes (30 October 2010):
so scared is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRCN, I thank you once again. For some reason I knew your response would be one that would make me smile. Or even feel just a bit better. Now to say your right I have the power to choose. Every time I try to stay focused something just seem to come over me. He has not done anything to give me any suspicions or make me think negative. I do know he have been tring hard to gain my trust .....I told him it will really take some time. Oh yeah and an update......The child is NOT his. Proven through DNA. I thought this would make it even eaiser to forgive and forget. I will continue to try to make my marriage work. Rcn I really appreciate your responses they help me a lot and helps me stay on the right track.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 October 2010):
Are you evil? Anyone can be, if they choose to be. Let's talk about choice. An speaker I heard once stated, "Other than prayer, the greatest power we posses is the power to choose." You need to take this power back. You are the one in the drivers seat. You allow aka choose how this affair affects you. Allowing, is not taking action, so it to is a choice, but indirectly chosen.
I think you do need to tell him what you are going through. You need to let it out. Have him sit, and you tell him what this affair has done to you. Let him know that he is not to interrupt while you're talking. This is not a name calling session, it's to tell directly how this has affected your emotions, and your view of your marriage. It's okay to admit that you are afraid, and that you hurt. It's healthy to do so. Then I want you two to set up a plan on how to turn this around. You keep expecting the worse to happen, so you keep putting yourself in that place of expectation, then the mind begins wondering and playing out all the negative "what if's".
I understand that what he did hurt. If you choose to forgive him with your whole heart, do it. Don't remain attached to what's happened in the past. I also want you to begin living in the "now". That is, that each moment of right now you have the power to choose how this affects you. You can choose to focus on it, or to focus on something else. You can choose to be happy, and to love, or be depressed and live in fear. Right now, in this moment you have the power to make that choice.
I hope this helps. And to answer all your questions in one answer. Your hurt. That's it. There is nothing wrong with you. I hope this helps you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, so scared +, writes (28 October 2010):
so scared is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I still need help. As you may see it has been awhile since I have posted anything. I really thought we were doing well. I kinda think we are but I'm still hurting. I feel like I am so phony. Since I have posted last I think I have really went into a silent depression. I have lost 46 pounds within 2 months. I still love my husband. Also like before our sex life is not the same since I found out about the affair. I need to know if this is healthy for me? I still can't really eat or sleep because I stay so worried. I really thought I was ok after the counciling. Why can't I shake these feelings and continue tring to be happy within my marriage? Should I tell him what's going on with me? He compliments me about the weight loss, and I told him "its because I need some attention"! He seems so confused of my emotions and thoughts......but I really don't care. Am I just evil? Is this my sick kinda revenge? What do I need to do? Is this normal? Please help!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 October 2010):
You want in some way a revengeful form of resolution. Something bad to happen to him to somehow justify the pain that he has caused you. I'm sure, deep down you know those thoughts are not okay. Even if he were to be hurt in someway, it would not justify or erase what has happened. I feel you want to forgive, but there is this feeling of wanting answers that's keeping you from doing so. Remember, forgiving is not because he deserves it, it's strictly for your benefit to help you heal. True forgiveness releases the negative baggage that the act of someone else caused. If you want this marriage to work, the you must open yourself up to the possibility that it can. Trying and seeking counseling for a tool to allow your marriage to move forward, will not work if you keep in your mind that it will not. You can literally block the process by how you view what has happened. By saying that you know he's trying, but..... the but will cause this delay and not allow your marriage to heal. It's hard. It's a process, but must be done if you want your marriage to have a chance.
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A
female
reader, so scared +, writes (30 September 2010):
so scared is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all once again. I need to know why I still have mixed emotions about my husband. I love him so much at one moment then I can't stand him the next. I really want my marriage to work. I also need to know why do I have thoughts of doing bodily harm to him at times. I never thought I coupd.feel this way. It do seem like he's tring but its a part of me that don't believe in him anymore.......but I do love him. I know I sqy I lobe him alot but remember its been 13 years. So again the questions now is .. How can I get over his affair honestly? Why do I want to physically hurt him? Why am I still crying so much? Do I need to see someone about my emotions and my thoughts? Please help me once again.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Yeah you're not going to get any closure on this, and if she won't do DNA testing then that makes me think your husband wasn't the only man she was sleeping with. So go with the counseling and see how it goes, but i would not by any means make this easy on him. He cheated and he needs to do everything he can to get back that trust. But as far as trying to conceive, that needs to be put on hold for awhile. I'm sorry about all this, I can understand the emotional distress of trying for a baby. But put those wanting to be a mommy feelings aside and focus on being a wife.
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A
female
reader, so scared +, writes (17 September 2010):
so scared is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all once again. As before I thank everyone for there help and words of encouragement. My husband says he never planned on leaving me. The other woman always knew that he loved me and knew that he was never gonna leave. He and she says that they only had sex 2 times and that was in the begining before she knew she was pregnant. He never saw her during the pregnancy. It was talking over the phone and texting. Then months go by and he decides to call her again. And she days the baby is born. He was giving her small amounts of money to keep her quiet. She was giving him threats about telling me when he wouldn't give her money. Now he never seen the baby until it was about 6 months old. Also she says she had the baby at 7 months and the baby never stayed in the hospital. My husband has only seen the baby 4 times and the baby just turned 2 yrs. He saw the woman more but states that it was only to give her money. He says that he got tired of the threats by her he told her she was gonna tell me himsepf and she begged him not to. She says she didnt want no drama from me. I haven't said anything to him yet but that's thats why I don't believe its his either I think she was only using him for money and the baby isn't his probably not even hers. When I spoke with her she says she's tired of dealing with my husband and that he can't see the baby ever again. Remember she dosent want a DNA test either. She says also that he only seen the child a bout 4-5 times. But I need your help to figure out why would she go through all of this and then dont want him to see the baby anyway. He says he don't want to have anything to do with her or the baby. So am I to keep digging or just let it go? He has contacted our pastor so that we could start some counciling. I'm still lost and so scared and sad and yes depressed.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 September 2010):
Your right, he forgave you and it's your choice if you forgive him or not. It may not be his. If his sperm count is low with you, chances are they were with her as well. You said if it was his child, you'd be gone. If find out is something that's going to happen, you may want to wait in having a child with him until you know if you're leaving or staying. If it's your wish to leave, it wouldn't be fair to the child.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): Well, a lot of it has been said. Many people on these advice boards have dealt with this type of issue, some better and some worse, in their lives.You are as you state, hurt, lonely, scared. So, you need support for yourself.Get a counselor who can help you stabilize your own emotional state. Then a marriage counselor who can help the two of you work out the marital issues.You may end up out of the marriage, but protect yourself. You have a lot of things to do in that regard.However, you are not "lesser" because you haven't been able to conceive. Don't allow this to take over your thinking. Any time a spouse has an affair, it makes the betrayed partner feel "less than" the other person and probably doubly so in the situation you describe. Yet, this is not true.The child may not be his either, and neither of you should assume that (in western culture, IIRC, 10% of children are not the offspring of their assumed fathers, unbeknown to them or their fathers and sometimes to their mothers as well).
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A
female
reader, so scared +, writes (15 September 2010):
so scared is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all. First I would like to thank you all for your answers and commits. Now I feel the need to let you know it all. I already have 3 children from a previous relationship. Whom he's always helped me with. They all call him dad. I had a Tubal ligation after my last son. Didn't exspect the relation ship I was in was gonna end. I meet my husband and we been together since. He had no children so...we agreed that I would go through a tubal ligation reversal. Now I still have issues with myself and he has done a sperm count. The results of his test stated that he couldnot have children during intercourse. Sperm count was exstreamly low and zero percent mobility. So that's why we were tring invetro fertility. Also in our first year of marriage I commited adultry and he forgave me. But no there was not a child as a result. I always felt it would be revenge. So even thou I'm hurt and scared in my heart I don't feel that this baby is his. He says he don't want to know and she says she don't either. She has a man also. So I do try to evaluate The situation and I have told him that for a fact if the child is his I'm gone. I love him but I'm not desperate. I don't know if this was his first and only affair. I had my suspensions in the past but never no proof. It hurts so bad because we been together so long.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is very very long. I am guessing one of my usual rants: yes i can understand why you are so scared.your hb did the ultimate betrayal against you. whether he has fathered this kid or not just adds to your nightmare. he betrayed you. fullstop. his disrespect for you and your marriage was evident in his affair. i know you want to salvage your marriage and now try for a baby of your own. please re think this. right now your emotions are everywhere. you are hurt, you feel betrayed, you don’t know where you stand. you are panicked. What if he leaves? what is he is the father of this kid? what if he is still screwing around? have you thought of this.firstly your marriage is at a cross roads right now. to even try to have a baby is just going to add to the stress. why not put this off until you know for sure what is happening in your marriage. why are you so quick to forgive him. is it because you are so scared of being alone? his deceit and betrayal is real. your feelings are real too. take a deep breath. be calm. have a cup of tea or a stiff shot of something. then plan. make decisions. then execute them. I have some points for you to consider:1. the status of your marriage? uncertain right now. his affair. how long did it last? why did he have the affair. was this his only affair? is he still Fing around? blunt questions. you need real and honest answers.2. why is he still in your marriage? out of guilt? fear? he does not have the 8alls to leave? what does he have to say? does he actually love you, through the good and the bad? blunt question: is he / was he planning on leaving you? if he was why did he stay? blunt question, you need the truth. 3. get a DNA test . NOW. your hb may be playing games with you saying that he is unsure whether he is the father. eliminate that doubt and get that paternity test done.NOW. i think you know your hb is lying when he says he is uncertain if the kid is his. HE KNOWS. trust me, he knows. he doesn’t readily admit this because he knows your reaction. he knows what he has done and what the outcome was. he is a lying hb just so that he buys time to pacify you and make sweet his empty promises to you.4. trying for a baby. not now. do you even want him to father your kid after all this? why put yourself through this misery right now when perhaps there is no more marriage. are you prepared to be a single mother taking care of your baby yourself? do you want to bring a child into an unstable marriage, a marriage that is broken right now. will you not be cruel to even do this at this time? your desire to have a baby will be even greater right now, now that there is almost a 100% possibility /probability that he is the father of his ex lovers baby. i cannot image the pain you are going through right now. i am sure you want this nightmare to go away. but it won’t, it cannot. therefore please hold off to any more treatments until you are in the right frame of mind. until you are in control of your emotions and know what is happening in your marriage. i know you are desperate to have a baby. but all in good timing. 5. if that kid is your hbs. what then? i want you to please now understand what i am going to tell you. you will not be an evil/horrible/cruel person if you do not accept this kid. simple. yes everyone will say that kid is innocent, that kid deserves his father and so forth. all that is true. but you did not create the mess. both your hb and this other woman knew what they were getting into, with the betrayal and lies. so you do not need to suffer anymore. if he wants to be a father to this kid, thats his problem. he needs to pay financially. he cannot and should not expect you to have anything to do with his previous lover and the kid. i may seem harsh but why must you pay the price for his affair. too many people put the burden on the wife to accept the result (kid) of an affair. and too many wives are judged because they cannot and will not accept this. do not allow people to make you feel like sh1t because you will not accept this kid. you have rights as well, and you are well within your rights to choose not to have anything whatsoever to do with this kid. you will not be the bad one to decide this. you protect yourself and your own interests. let your hb and his ex lover sort out what they need to. if you choose not to even acknowledge this kids existence, then so be it. you should not be made to feel ashamed of the way you feel. I have seen so many wives being taken to task for not accepting their hbs kid borne out of an affair. This is when wives need to stand up for themselves and take action. We all know the normal speel – that kid is innocent, that kid means no harm and the normal bulldust that goes with it. enough said. We all know this. BUT as a wife, choices have to be made. And a wife can choose to have nothing to do with that kid. plain and simple. And people need to start respecting that choice. I know many many aunts on DC will be upset with my words , hey but with this reality, we all have choices and i believe that a wife has suffered enough. First with her husband’s betrayal and then the added betrayal of an offspring as a result of that betrayal. That kid is rubbed in her face all the time, and she is expected to just accept it. it doesn’t work like this anymore. And it is time mistresses/ the other woman realise this. This unrealistic expectation needs to end. 6. your husband. You are scared that this means the end of your marriage. Can you trust this man again? I mean really trust what comes out of his mouth. How many other women has he been having affairs with. Do not be naive and think it was just once. Expect the worse. What is so bad if you choose to end this marriage. Your hb knows you and is playing you. He knows your desire to have a baby. He knows your desire to keep this marriage ins pite of his affair. You are playing right into his hands by reacting the way you have. You are panicked. You are so scared he will leave you all alone. Now is the time for you to have some backbone, some self esteem and some respect for yourself. If he wants out, then let him go. Salvage your pride, your self respect for yourself. You seem to be a doormat now. Why have you allowed yourself this misery? Look at your hb critically. If he can have an affair, have a kid and hide these facts away from you. Pretend that he is happy with you. What more is he capable of? Realistically do oyu even know this man you have been married to? Is your hb worth the pain and heartbreak you are facing. Do not blame his lover only. No one forced your hb to have sex elsewhere. It is him and him alone. Many ,many wives only focus on the other woman and blame her, not realising that the true enemy is that faithless man in your home. He needs to stop the lies, stop feeding you the bullsh1t he has and start with the truth. You need to be strong and you need to face the reality. Do you want to be with a cheater, not trusting him, not knowing who he is with. Remember the saying: once a cheater, always a cheater. You are ready to forgive him. Why? Because it is so much easier than really acknowledging your devastation. Really acknowledge your hurt. Forgive him what? the affair, the lies, this child? What does he have to say about this whole sordid mess HE CREATED? Many cheaters will try to shift the blame and make you feel that you are the crazy one, you are the one to blame for him seeking attention elsewhere, perhaps he will also use the excuse of trying to have a baby with you as an excuse for his affair. You need to be strong for yourself and you need to protect yourself you cannot believe that your hb has your best interest at heart, because he doesn’t . he will try to appease you with his smooth words and try to deflect the real shitty mess but he will play with your emotions and use the fact that you want a baby to his advantage. Look at it this way, yes you can have a baby, but have it with a man you love and trust. So think about what i am saying. After all this has settled, why not plan a baby with another man. This is not taboo. You will be a mother one day, not with your husband but with a man that truly loves you and respect you. Do not short change yourself. Believe that your dream of becoming a mother will be a reality. Not with this man but you can and will meet a man who will make a good father. Women sometimes stop believing in themselves and rely on their husbands/partners to make them happy/ make their dreams a reality. We short change ourselves and we give this power to out better halves but our better halves think nothing in destroying us and destroying our dreams. This is when we put plan B into motion. Do not be afraid, when one door closes, another one will open. It is all about timing. OP, Perhaps use your knowledge of This affair and kid, to your advantage. Meaning, you were going to try , Do not! This is forcing you to perhaps say that having a baby with your hb is not the best thing. Maybe, just maybe , you need time out to find a better man. Look at the bright side, your discovery now will help you shape your future, better. Perhaps what i am telling you will confuse you more. But i am giving you options:Options that may be life changing but it is options that say, I am in control:Option/Decision 1 – if you do not want to acknowledge this kids existence, that is fine. Your hb must deal with it. having a kid with his lover is one thing, parading him/her , rubbing this in your face is another. You owe no one any explanations for your decision. Do not feel bad. Do what you want. Decision 2 – to stay in this marriage or not. Do not be scared and leave this decision to your hb. You take control and you decide. It is your life and do not feel intimidated. Decision 3 – decide whether your life is important to you. If it is, then respect yourself and regain your self esteemDecision 4- i know you want a baby. Look at the timing/reality of the situation. My difficult question is: do you NEED to have this baby with your husband only? What is stopping you from having another man father your baby. It means ending your marriage but taking control and making decisions for yourself. OP, the points i mentioned above is just a few things to consider. You seem so eager to forgive the cheating husband but at what cost. Your life, your dreams? Think, and make decision s where your best interests are served. If you need to be selfish, then be. You owe it to yourself to be happy and to attain your goal. No one has your best interest at heart so you need to. Good Luck.-LoveGirl
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 September 2010):
Forgiveness is personal, either you do or you don't and it doesn't make you crazy if you do. Life takes turns, some are negative, but you have to face them when they come up. His having an affair was wrong and this is a difficult time for you. What I will say is that if this is his child and you forgive him, this child may be part of your lives. Although born out of an affair, accept the child if it's his, because no child should be punished for what adults have chosen to do. It all falls down on if you forgive him or not, because by doing so you know the road will be a bit rocky for a while, but if it's love that holds you together, you'll make it through. I wish you luck with having a baby. Take care.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (15 September 2010):
Did he admit the affair or you found out from another source? Wow, when he's supposed to be supporting you in this hard time of trying to conceive. It's frustrating as all hell when you track your ovulation, time your temp just right, and have sex only in that two day window only to cry when your period comes next month. With the money and time you have invested in this I can only imagine your emotions are all over the place. And to find out your husband cheated and potentially has a child with this woman, when he's supposed to be procreating with you?
I'm wondering if the whole stress of trying to conceive made him stray to another woman whom he didn't have to have sex with at certain times of the month. Regardless it's not your fault. Nonetheless he should have been by your side and supporting you through this emotional stressful time. If he's smart he will do a paternity test to see if this child is really his. And what if it is? Could you continue to live and be married to a man who planted his seed in another woman? I definitely would not be able to...However, if the child isn't his then maybe there is a possibility you two can work it out. But that would require some marriage counseling on why he strayed in the first place, who's to say he won't do it again if it was kept a secret for that long, and discuss the stress of trying to conceive, maybe after 7 years of trying you might want to think about adoption. First, find out if the child is his, if it is then I suggest a divorce, if not then fix your marriage first before you take the next round of fertility sources. Adopted or conceived, do not bring a baby into this world until you find out what's the problem in your marriage.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): Hi- I don't have a good answer for you and am hoping some other folks can help. Just by reaching out on this site will generate much positive love and prayers for you. First of all, it is easy to establish paternity if that is an issue in this day and age via DNA testing. Second of all, is the affair still going on or did you just find out about a three year old affair? I am unclear and not sure that it matters. Lastly, and I am no expert but having a child in a time of marriage difficulty does not seem to be the best thing. I would fix your marriage first if it is "fixable" and then worry about bringing a child into this world. I am sorry I cant be of better help but am thinking of you. GP
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