A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really need help,I have no idea what to do.I have been with this man for 2 years..we met online. We spoke every day on the phone, sometimes two or three times a day.Unfortunately, neither of us has had the means to travel, but we've been okay with that, We knew someday we could see each other.We never really had any arguments,everything was great.Last time we spoke, we just chatted about our day,like we always have. At the end of the conversation,he said "kisses baby, ill call tomorrow".That's the last I've heard from him..it's been 3 weeks now without a word.I've tried calling, but now my calls go unanswered. He won't call back.I talked to his mom 2 weeks ago( she and I have spoken a few times and we get along great).She told me he sometimes gets in these "moods" where he doesn't feel like talking,which is true,but it usually only lasted a day or two.I have no idea why he's doing this,or how to get him to talk to me. I've tried writing an email..rewritten it a thousand times,but now my thoughts are a mess.No idea what to say or how to say it.I hope someone has some ideas/ suggestions because I've been so upset and confused. I have no idea what to do.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 It's very very very possible that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. In fact, I'm betting you did nothing wrong and even if you did something wrong.. it's only wrong in HIS MIND and won't enable you to learn from a mistake and not do it again.
When we make huge blunders that are life changing we know it. In this case, I would imagine it's his own issues that are causing the problem.
Sadly I would make the assumption that it's NOT YOU it's HIM because it sounds like he can't cope as an adult in this matter and give you what you want and need.
Sucks I know. I'd be exactly in the same boat as you...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): Ok, today I'm not doing well. It's just been one big ball of anxiety all day.
I haven't sent anything, haven't called, and I'm thinking more and more that I must have done something wrong. I can't think of any other reason this is happening. I've been thinking back to our last conversation, we didn't argue, in fact I can't remember the last time we argued. We spoke on the phone almost every day before the last conversation, every phone call was pleasant as it always is.
But I can't for the life of me, figure out what would cause him to just suddenly stop answering out of the blue, unless I had done something that upset him. Yes I have heard what everyone is saying here, and I sincerely appreciate it, but this is so not like him...at all.
@ So_Very_Confused:
What I need is for him to tell me what has happened, to talk to me if I've done anything to upset him. How will I know anything if he won't talk to me?
Since we're long-distance I can't tell if he's upset about something, something is not going well in his life, if he needs a few days to himself etc., if he doesn't tell me. I'm not physically there to see.
He used to come to me if something happened, like he lost his job or whatnot, but for some time now he's just shut me out and won't talk to me for a day or so...but he's never avoided me this long.
If I have done something, I need him to tell me because I honestly can't think of anything.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2011):
I understand the need for closure.
what do you want to say to him? what do you need to say to him. Sometimes writing the letter and NOT sending it helps too...
what do you need from him to make this easier?
He's done... and his actions are saying that.... how can you hear what he can't be man enough to actually say to your face?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Everyone I've talked to has said just forget him etc., and I know I should. But whether I get any response or not, for my own sanity I need to send him something. I can't just sit here and let another day, week go by. I'm having anxiety attacks, and unless I can get something sent, I'm going to go crazy.
I've been sitting here for over a week trying to write something, but I can't get anything down.I don't know why it's so hard, it shouldn't be.
No one can write it for me, I know that, but if there's any way you can help me get my thoughts straight in some coherent manner, it would be a great help.
I'm just so incredibly confused.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 Yeah, I can't say much without repeating some of the things Cindy Cares has said.
Emails are not a good idea in these situations. He might have a knee-jerk reaction and send you back something nasty.
The ONLY WAY to find out if it's over is to contact him directly, and ask something like "Where is this relationship headed?"
Then you will know a bit more. Maybe you and him both need to meet somewhere face-to-face and have a brief talk. That would be better than talking over the phone. You will be able to read his facial expressions.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 October 2011):
 Oh so he also has his family screening your calls now ?.. Then he is avoiding you big time, he really pulled a total Houdini. Sorry to hear that, I realize that this may feel like a stab in your back , and you are in shock. Unluckily I think the only way to regain control of your thoughts, if not of the situation, is NOT to seek closure - the more you 'll push, the more he'll pull away. He knows he owes you an explanation, and does not have one except " I am a selfish coward " , so the more you'll hunt him down the more he'll run away. Try to declare your unilateral closure. You don't really need in your life someone like this guy- consider yourself lucky that you haven't wasted anymore time on this pipe dream.
And no, you haven't done absolutely anything wrong. If you had done something so serious to justify this outrageous treatment , you'd know it , right ? I mean, if you had cheated on him / stolen money from him / insulted him, etc. you'd know it, right ?.... And if instead he's giving you this silent treatment for something silly and minor that you may have said and done, rather then telling you " Hey, I don't like when you do or say X, please don't "- then he is too childish and immature for a relationship.
But I'd bet good money that he can't reproach you ANYTHING. He just got tired, an on line lover sounds so exciting and fun and romantic at first, but eventually it gets stale, only at that point it's difficult to withdraw without looking like a total ass, because expectations have been raised, promises exchanged, words spent.... it's easier to just disappear and hope the other person eventually gets the hint.
I know right now you are not in the mood to appreciate what I say , but this is a good thing- it frees you for a real and true relationship, for something you can actually LIVE, not just dream about. You spent 2 years in a comforting fantasy, and maybe you needed it then- but it was time to get back to reality. " One day , we'll be together " :how ? when ? this kind of things is very sweet if you are 16, but at your age is a source of illusion , delusion and disappointment.
If you feel you have things you MUST get off your chest , one more e-mail won't hurt, but please don't think that it all depends upon what you write or how you write it, I think he's emotionally beyond reach . And in the very remote chance an e-mail would make him come back- you don't need him back. You don't need this aggravation, this disrespect, this kind of humiliation. And ...he'd do it again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): Thank you for the quick reply.I have already thought of everything you mentioned, but I can't just sit back and hope he decides he wants to contact me. The longer I go without any more attempts to contact him, the more I start second guessing myself...maybe I DID do something wrong that I'm not aware of.I'm friends with his mom on facebook, so I can see the things she posts etc. Lately she has been posting sayings about ignoring people you love and such. I know it sounds silly, but it's making me think that it's aimed at me. So I'm starting to think that I've done something to hurt him, I'm the one ignoring him because I've stopped calling.I had forgotten to mention in my original post, that whenever I called his house before, his mom or brother used to answer. But in the past 3 weeks no one has. So I don't know what he's told them to have them screen my calls as well.Sigh, you can see how much of a mess I am. My thoughts are all over the place.I can't just let it go, I need to know what to say in my email, how to say it. I've rewritten it so many times, and now I can't even put two thoughts together. My friends have said to just tell him how I feel, but one day I'm angry so I rewrite the email, then the next I'm sad so I rewrite it again.I need help
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 October 2011):
Uhm. You spoke to his mom so at least you know he is not in hospistal, in jail or otherwise incapacitated to contact you. I guess some posters would , as him mom did, come up with the " cave man " theory - that some time when there are many things going on in their life, men need to retreat in their cave to mull over their stuff without outside interferences... Personally, I neither buy this theory, nor I would accept the behaviour even if the theory were true. 3 WEEKS with no contact just because he's in a bad mood ? Again, for me personally, that's unbelievably rude and would signal the end of the relationship. If you are an understanding and patient type, I guess your best bet would be to ride it out, not forever but, let's say for few more weeks, and see if he comes out of the cave.... with a sensible, reasonable explanation. ( and knowing, though, that this episode may happen again any time ! )
Unluckily, I think it's very very possible that he just ALREADY pulled out emotionally from this relationship , but he's too coward for a clean break. An awful lot of people start LDRs all fired up with enthusiiasm- distance does not matter, love conquers all, "one day " we'll be together " - until slowly, or some times suddenly, downs on them that the " relationship " is not sustenaible in lack of precise, workable plans to be riunited. There's only so much time that a relationship can last in a limbo,
without at least occasional physical contact and real life interaction, - so many enthusiasms sizzle then fizzle, and often alas upon meeting a possible alternative love interest in real life.
In other words... it does not look too good, if you ask me, and it's pointless to keep insisting for contact. You just have two options , which both require guts; either decide that you don't take this kind of disrespect and move on now- or you wait patiently ( but not forever please ! ) that he pops up again with a rational explanation. If you'll buy it, that's another story.
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