A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I posted on here a couple of months ago about my awful relationship. My boyfriend putting beer weed and telly before me, and making me me worthless and pointless. Problems have been going on for ages. My boyfriend has some problems in that he cannot cope with stress very well, he has serious jealously issues and dwells on stuff instead of airing it and always blows up and takes it all out on me. Last weekend he said such awful nasty things to me and accused me of all kinds of stuff I broke down and packed all my things up, I was at the lowest point I've ever been. I managed to get through that day, then as always the next day he'd calmed down and said sorry he didn't mean any of it and he hates himself for what he did. This happens often. He's put his fist through the wall and door before too. I said I can't bear this any more, either you see a counsellor about your problems or I'll walk away as I physically cannot live like this anymore, and in fear of when you will flip. He's quit the weed for weeks now thank God but he has some major issues. He agreed to counselling and had his first session last week and has 5 more. He liked the first session and says he thinks this will help him sort himself out. The problem I'm having is that so much damage has been done over the couple of years I've been with him I just don't know if it can be fixed. He's made me feel worthless, useless, a waste of space, he's said awful things to me, treated me like utter rubbish and had me crying and unhappy more times than I can count. But this is all the bad side of him, which he has now acknowledged and is doing something about. The good side of him is lovely. I'm just wondering if this is all too late though? I feel so hurt by all of this I'm not sure I can forgive it. I'd like to I really would, but something inside me feels different and I feel far less loving feelings to him than I used to. He's had one session of counselling and wants to go out for meals and to the beach etc but I feel so awkward just kind of pretending things are ok. I want to be helpful and help him see this through as he will be a better person for it, but I'm not sure it can fix us. I guess I will just have to stick the next 5 weeks out and perhaps see if my affection for him can come back if I see him changing into a better person. I just wondered if anybody else was going through a similar thing. I want to help, and to not be selfish but I guess how I'm feeling in all of this is important too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your replies they were great. Thought I'd give a little update. He has now been for 3 counselling sessions and I haven't seen that awful nasty side of him since, which is nice. But we are still incredibly distant from each other. We're living pretty much like housemates. Recently we've had two huge arguments as we're talking about selling the house that we own together. My point is that this house is full of bad memory for me, we rushed into buying it far too soon (we hadn't even being seeing each other a year!), and having this huge financial burden (mortgage) with someone that you're not really getting along with is quite a lot of stress and pressure. Also (I have actually been seeing a counsellor myself now, had two sessions) after talking things over I think that getting rid of the thing that is FORCING us to stay together (this house) means then if we do stay together after that is sold then we'll know it's because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to. He understands this but seems more concerned with the financial side of things - eg we'll be paying the same a month for somewhere to rent together, and it's a huge shame and waste to sell it as we haven't been here two years yet. I'm not looking at those reasons I'm just trying to get out of this rut we're in, and I really can't see us progressing in this house. I think to not be bound together in any way will make us realise what we actually want as currently it's clouded by the fact that we have no choice - one person cannot afford this house alone it would be repossessed we've checked. So if we rented together somewhere smaller and cheaper then it still didn't work out, at least we'd know once and for all and that we'd done everything we could, and we could split very easily. If it did work and we rekindled things and forgot all the bad stuff that's happened then great. This is my thinking.....any thoughts appreciated! Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my previous post.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 August 2013):
 6 sessions of counseling will in all likelihood not change him completely, but it might give him tools to handle the stress better. Good for him.
The thing is, for you, this has gone on for ages. And YOU can't just erase his past actions and treatment of you. Whether you like it or not it's part of WHO he is and part of the relationship you two have had up til now.
So what you NEED to do (for yourself) is figure out if you can live with this relationship AS IT IS any longer or not. If the past weighs to hard on your or not. That is NOT about YOU being selfish or not. It's survival. EVEN if he changes a little and becomes a better man doesn't MEAN you HAVE to stay. It would NOT be selfish to leave. Some people can let go of the past easily, some can't. Walking on eggshells in a relationship because their partner CAN possible blow up and be abusive is not at all healthy.
If nothing else, YOU helped him get help, so HE can be a better man. He might not be a better man for you, but maybe he will for himself. That is not being selfish.
He has spend YEARS eroding your trust and feelings for him, he can't really expect that 6 sessions of counseling with cancel that out.
If you FEEL like you OWE it to YOURSELF to stick it out a little longer then do so, don't do it because you feel obligated to HIM.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 August 2013):
 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It is always tough when you have gone through so much and you feel like you've lost that feeling.
What is going on is that you have a lot of resentment and disappointment. Part of you wonders if this is a new beginning or just more of the same. So your natural reaction is to put your emotions (and your heart) in check to see what happens next.
Unfortunately, there is no guarantees your boyfriend is going to change for the better. This could be a temporary thing or the start of something new. Every loving relationship goes through these lulls, however, and ultimately it is up to you to make up your mind if the risk is worth taking. Perhaps you need to come up with a time frame: say 3 months. If you still feel the way you are feeling it might be time to cut your losses.
In this time too, I hope you take a good hard look at who you are dating (and maybe that's why you are starting to have second thoughts -- because the realization of who you are dating is starting to dawn on you). From your description, your boyfriend doesn't sound very noteworthy. He has (or had) a substance abuse problem and has problems dealing with tough emotions. You aren't the first priority in his life... Is this really who you want to settle for? Is he going to be a good provider / husband / father? Is this really the type of man you dreamed of being with? Will you be cursing yourself 5 years from now if you remain with him and nothing has changed?
Ultimately the choice is your on what you are going to do, but don't ignore your inner self in this case. Perhaps it is time to really reflect on who your man is and what it says about you.
Eddie
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