A
male
age
51-59,
*owntoearth
writes:I started dating this woman. She has asked me these questions many many times. "Why do you love me?", "Why me?" Why do you find me attractive?" I easily answer them. Early in the am, I texted her cell phone with some questions of my own. I asked her these questions:How did I capture your attention? Was is because I reminded you of your past love gone bad? Why did you fall in love with me? Or did you? I have nothing to offer you so why do you want me? Why do I even matter to you? There are other more handsome and rich guys that can probably give you what you whatever you want. Why not go for them instead? Am I the latest distraction? Is this going on just because it's out of habbit of the past? I went on to explain since it was a text message and things get lost in translation. I said, These are hard questions but I just want to know your answers please. I'm not in a bad or fighting mood, just a curious one. Please take the time to answer them all when you are up and ready to do so. She tried to deflect the whole thing. She didn't want to answer me. She got so pissed off and said she was going back to bed.I woke up later and found that she gave me all of this real nice snake oil type answers. But later on in the morning, she was still pissed off. She said she didn't feel like getting together with me today. We don't live together and don't get to see each other but a couple times during the week. She totally got cold and quiet on me while we were texting. I asked her what changed because we had plans for today. She said " The questions you asked me " Really? Did I ask such bad and out of the way questions that she needs to treat me like this? What would you do? WTF?
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 It's a storm in a tea cup. She made a big deal out of nothing.
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 To be honest if my man ever asked me those questions, I would ask him what happened to him. It would be a HUGE turn off. I love a man who is confident in himself and confident that he is capable of being the man I need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): See, the answers she asked you sounded like they stemmed from her insecurity and low self esteem and she was seeking reassurance from you.Your questions, on the other hand, were worded so that they are what we call "leading questions." Leading questions are questions framed in such a way that the asker is making clear he already knows the answer but is posing as a question anyway rather than making a statement. It's passive aggressive because it's pretending to ask the other person something when in fact you already have your mind made up.For example when you ask "Am I just a distraction to you?"This is a leading question, it is really saying, "I feel like I am just a distraction to you."when you ask "do I remind you of your past love? is it just a habit from the past?" you are not really asking her a question instead you are making the statement "I believe that I remind you of your past love and this is just a habit from the past."So basically your questions were passive aggressive. They were more statements of how you feel but without the "guts" to come out and say them instead framing them as questions to look more innocent. But the communication is that you feel she is shallow or insincere in her love for you. And for you to text her these out of the blue rather than have a face-to-face 'confrontation' on such serious mater, is insulting to her. This is why she got mad at you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): To me it seems like someone is making fun out of me, or just giving the impression that my feelings are not genuine. Sorry to say that but why would you TEXT these questions at once. You could ask them in a proper situation.
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female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Honestly? Hers sounded more like she didn't think she was worthy of love, and yours sounded like an interrogation. "Past love gone bad" "Or did you?" "Am I the latest distraction?" It seems more like you're accusing her of not loving you, making her seem like a bad person, whereas hers were questions that needed to be answered because she probably has low self-esteem.
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female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (28 November 2011):
You may have given her the impression that you dont beleive her feelings for you are genuine and it might have insulted her.. just an idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): I can totally see where this lady is coming from, you are lucky she is still talking to you and not completely freaked out. You have major insecurity issues.
You basically bombarded this women in the early hours of the morning to feed your own ego and boost your self esteem, really!! You can't see why she would be pissed off, this screams RED FLAG ALERT!! I don't mean to be rude but I certainly would be cutting you lose altogether. I don't mind a person seeking remeasurement, but you practically gave the woman a questionnaire about why she wants to date you!
You need to relax you guys are only dating for goodness sake, can you not just enjoy it for what it is and see if deeper feelings develop?! Relax! Rome was not built in day.
From the amount of questions you asked her like that it would suggest to me that you would be an extremely insecure partner, the unhealthy kind, that would scare me if I am honest and would suggest you would be very possessive with you partner if you felt they were not as attentive to you.
My advice is first of all seek help for your insecurities, they are not doing you any favours. Secondly if you want to put things right with this woman, give her space then call her and say you had an insecure moment, you didn't mean to scare her off, you just like her very much and hope she feels the same. It was a misunderstanding is all.
Do get to the root of your insecurities, because it will affect every relationship you have or try to achieve. I hope you can sort things out with this woman, because you do like her a lot and she seems to like you, so don't screw it up, get help for your insecurities.
Good luck.x
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (28 November 2011):
 Down,
oops!
Yes those are the wrong questions asked in the wrong way. They make you look insecure and week. That is going to turn her off. I realize that she i also insecure and probably, annoying with the constant similar questions. Having those similarities is part of why you are together.
Also, you questioned the sincerity of her love for you. As a woman the ability to honestly and fully love is one of her perceived best qualities. So you attacked her in her home and you pulled the support of your masculine strength. She is sitting there wondering if anything that you two have been through was "real."
Your best bet is to drop the questions and apologize. Part of your apology should include something like this, "when you ask me questions like that it hurts me because the most wonderful, beautiful woman I ever knew is being cut down."
And BTW never have a serious conversation (like your apology) over text. You trivialize your most important relationship by doing that.
FA
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A
female
reader, theaboo +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Well, some of the questions you asked her point to low self esteem on your part. By asking her "Why me when you could have a lot better?".. you're basically telling her that you have confidence issues.
Her questions were only "Why do you find me attractive & why do you love me", which you said you easily answered. Well, you easily answered becuase they are easier questions. The questions you asked her are really fishing for compliments & looking for reassurance in your relationship, especially when you accuse her of using you as the "latest distraction", which you should NEVER do over a text. Instead, you should've just told her you appreciate that she's with you when you know she could have any one she wants. Then, if you really want to know why she loves you, ask her in a more light hearted casual way. Not by saying "Am I just your latest distraction".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): uhh...definitely your fault. Understand the point that she is with you and she wants to be with you. its love. She dont want to take any advantage but wants to love and need to be loved back. You can ask her sweetly ''why me of all the boys?''. Take my advice and no matter what be sweet to her .
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): I can understand your questions. My boyfriend has asked similar and I didnt get pissed off, I was more than happy to answer.It may be because you asked so many? Or maybe to her it felt like you were having a go at her for asking you questions along these lines? It could also be that some of the questions like 'am i a distraction', make her feel cheap, like you think she'd really go out and find a guy just for the sake of it, and that you think you are the next in line.I think the best bet would be to apologize and try talk to her (in person) as to why she was upset by the questions. Tell her you didnt mean to offend her and were genuinely interested in her answers. If she is pissed at the questions then she will soon open up as to why and you can sort it. If she doesnt get over it, then theres more to it than the questions. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): She has a very poor reaction which to me, says she feels guilt or hurt. That you ask those types of questions also points out you have low self esteem as well.
I'm going to say that you two don't have a very healthy adult relationship and you both go back and forth on we love each other, we don't. Drama/abuse.
This isn't the first time this sort of outburst has happened, has it?
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