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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, I love your advice column, and I read it weekly. I am a single woman, no kids and I'm 24. There's this guy I've known for a long time (it's been years) We dated on and off, but never seriously. I really care about him a lot. He was in the military, so he traveled a lot. We decided to be just friends because of the distance. We have always talked on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, even when he was stationed overseas, we would send e-mail or instant messages. He was living in FL for his military job, but he left the military and I didn't hear from him for 3 months, despite my leaving messages. He finally instant messaged me and when I asked where he was he told me he was in a state of emotional turmoil. In those 3 months, he met a girl off the Internet, they moved to KY, and he got her pregnant (she had a miscarriage and they broke up). I've been trying online dating, but so far I haven't had much luck with it. For some reason, I really care about this man. He once asked me to move in with him, but I am not ready for that kind of commitment. He told me before that he loves me and wants to marry me. If he really cared about me that much, he would have moved back to CT (where his family lives and where I live with my family). Now, he calls me weekly or bi-weekly again to call me just to say hi and flirt. He asks me about my dating status,but when I talk about other men, he seems to get jealous or sounds sad. I avoided his last couple of calls, letting my voicemail get it. I decided next time he called I would answer it and tell him he either needs to move back to CT and get serious about me or stop flirting with me and playing mind games. When he called me tonight, I couldn't tell him. When I hear his voice, he reminds me of a puppy that peed on the rug and looks up at you as if to say "What, what did I do? Why are you yelling at me?" He wants to come visit me in CT "soon" he says. I know that when he comes home, we will end up acting like a couple (like we did the past 3 times). For some reason, I fall for his charm every time. I read in your love library about "The waffler" and this man sounds like it to a T. Any advice you have would be so appreciated. -Confused
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broke up, flirt, jealous, military, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): I can understand your confusion over this guy. He has obviously been through a stressful time with this girlfriend you mention. Therefore if he means a lot to you ....be there to listen to him and show you care by not setting too many demands , too quickly. That way he will feel relaxed and start to trust you , as he sounds insecure. Instead of always talking on the phone why don't you write to each other and allow him to phone you ! If he doesn't regularly talk to you then ask yourself - is he really worth the effort? There are guys out there who would treat you with respect . If I were you I would get your hair done , put your best outfit on and meet him for a drink, if he doesn't show interest , move on and put it down to a guy that lacks self- esteem . You can't always wait around for his phone calls . good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): Move on!!! This guy does not sound like he is into you. Women put themselves on the line for rejection too much. You are putting yourself out there for a broken heart. Trust me if a guy is interested in a girl he will call from a strangers phone to talk to you. Don't waste your time.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (5 November 2005):
it seems to me like this man does really like you but isn't ready for commitment. is there a reason why he can not come home? tell him he can be with you properly if he does. i met a bloke in an internet chatroom and had a relationship. it failed because of the distance. we could never get chance to see each other. let him decide if he really wants to be with you. if there's a reason for him not to move back, could you move to him? think about all the options. there's no point being in a relationship with someone you don't see. online dating can be fun but you need to be really careful. if your in love with someone, online dating won't work because you're only doing it to fill a void which can only be filled by this man. good luck
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