A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years and we will going to marry soon. His plan is next year. Both side family is supportive with our relationship. The only thing I extremely worried about is about our home. He said I would live with his family in his house. His house is so crowded as he's living in his stores with his 8 workers (men and woman plus his parent. Honestly I wish to live with him with only both of us. No other. But he's the only son in his family and he still can't manage to buy our own house. He said he need time. But I know once I get into his house it will almost impossible to move into new house if not in 10 years later. We are both 25 and asian. In our tradition, I'm old enough to get marry and have a children. I love kids. But I can't imagine living in such situation. I really wish to have our new home. I want to have our privacy, having our moment where we decorate our new home like other brides to be just like my friends and living peacefully with our small family. We had discussed this before, and he give me choices. Married next year living with his parent in his house or waiting until he can manage to buy our new house which is still unclear when. I'm so depressed that I couldn't get my dream life and I'm so sick thinking about it. We fight a lot discussing about this. That ruined our relationship lately. He said he would try his best to make me happy. He suggest me to live with his family in his house first and as soon as he take the family business and his parent retire, I can do what I wish such as buying our new home of course taking his parent to into this. Just moving into new house. What should I do? I'm afraid what is planned is not going to be true and I will only having the life I hate. I really want a privacy. I think his parent would understand if they know but I think he doesn't want to discuss it afraid them to feel hurt. He told me he tried to talked about it indirectly as he said that's what he want not me but his parent give negative respond. What should I do? Please give me some suggestion and idea.. Thanks before...
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): I would not marry this man.
He is not taking into account a normal need - for privacy.
It's only natural and normal to want your own home, to bring up your children safely.
When he says that you can have your own home after some time, I simply would not believe him. I think he will marry you and then you will have no choice but to do as he says. Even if he says this to you now, and means it, my feeling is that he is the kind of man that will change his mind later on because he is too obedient to his parents.
I do understand that some families live with parents, but this is different. It's like his parents have not allowed him any idea of his own, or what it is to have a normal home with a wife. In his mind there is no space at all for a wife's needs or wishes and to me this is a very unhealthy sign. I think it will lead to you feeling 'non-human' in the longer term. Privacy and your own home are normal human needs. Being able to state your needs without fear or shame is normal. He is being sweet to you now, but still trying to persuade you against your needs. After marriage, a LOT can change. The husband gets used to sex with the wife. She doesn't have anything like the same influence anymore, because he doesn't have to work to 'catch' her. No matter how much you feel he loves you now, please listen to what I say. He is showing all the signs of a man who is not emotionally matured enough even to understand basic needs. He is like a child in this respect. It can be a lot of fun and very sweet to fall in love with a child-like man, but later on, with time, they can become monsters because they have not grown up inside.
Ask yourself, how would you feel if he said "I have decided to borrow some deposit money from my parents and to get a mortgage so that we can have our own home. It will be small because it is our first home but, in a few years, we can move to a bigger one. I am doing this because I respect your needs and because I love and agree with you on this matter. I want our children to feel safe and I want privacy for us".
I imagine you would be over the moon with happiness. Not only because of the home, but because he would be respecting your needs, which are not greedy or selfish, just normal.
This is the kind of man that you need, the one who can give you this, who will do everything he can to obtain this for both you and your children.
The man you are going to marry is not a man in himself. He is still "owned" by his parents, too much. after marriage he will change, believe me. Don't marry him, please.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (11 May 2014):
 I don't think marrying him is a good idea. You know what the immediate future holds because he has told you and you don't like it.
If this is not an option then why not rent a place, with 2 incomes you could find someplace small and cheap and save for a deposit. This could take longer to reach your goal but if it's privacy you want then this would be ideal.
I wouldn't want to share with family indefinitely but if it was guaranteed to be for just say 18 months then I could cope knowing we could buy our own home eventually.
Have you both been saving for a deposit over the last few years, have you put money by for furniture etc? If you have saved a fair amount then the living with family might not be for long.
The choice is yours finish it and find a man who owns a home, or stay and suggest renting
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): You need to talk with him and his parents about all of this. You could agree to live there but only for a small amount of time with a schedule set for when you will find your own home. You can get a better job and help contribute to getting your own home. You can break up with him and find someone who is able to or who has their own home already.
...............................
|
