A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been married 6 years. I am 30 and husband is 31. My emotional needs are not being met. I blamed myself of these feelings due to growing up in a dysfunctional and emotionally unavailable family, and not experience in relationship. During the first couple or years he wanted to teach me everything but as the years continues, he never allowed me to do things independently. felt I was being controlled and not allowed to think for myself. He would complain I was not helping him and I acted like a child. In the last maybe year, I have tried numerous ways to explain to my husband my needs. However feels I am just complaining and being disrespectful and unappreciative. He is often unemotional and somewhat passive aggressive and extremly sensitive to anything that resmebles criticism. This is the reason I have down played and sugar coated my feelings for for years. Six years in I feel quite depressed. I have been proactive in telling him when he hurts my feeling, when I feel invalidated, etc. but as mentioned, he becomes defensive and explains he is the way he is because I am falling shortt. Lately, He without consulting me has made plans for us to go places, host events at our home, have guest visit or stay over all without asking if it was ok but telling me when the day was.We soon will be going to therapy but I am concerned he will never 'get me'. If I do something he does not like, he will totally ignore me the whole day. I feel I deserve loveWhe i am out with friends or talking on the phone, I feel stimulated with the flow and exchange of conversation and I feel normal. Being in this relationship, feel empty. I am not sure what to do. It is not like i want to leave but being so lonely and never feelin understood it is emotionally draining. Has anyone gone through this? How did you come through?Do you think therapy will help?Any advice is very much appreciated..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): Trust me you will feel SO MUCH HAPPIER as a single and "alone" person, than in this relationship.
Feeling lonely because you're single and without a partner, is tough.
But the loneliness is even worse when you ARE in a marriage and yet are lonely. Because when you're in a marriage, you have an expectation that life should be better than this and yet it's not. When you're single, you can always know that the door is still open.
Your hb has serious issues that you can't fix or solve, only he can, and he refuses to do it.
If you go to therapy and he denies that he's doing anything to contribute to the problem, this is a red flag you should leave him because you will know things will never get better.
There is nothing lonelier than being lonely while in a marriage. The fact that you're married, closes the door to opportunities with new people for better relationships. At least if you're single, you are free to pursue opportunities with new people. If you're married and lonely, you're stuck. The marriage becomes a trap. Not only that, but the marriage becomes just constant rejection of you by your spouse, and this constant rejection - whether it be by criticism or ignoring or disrespect - adds a whole additional level of toxicity to your life that you wont' have if you were single and alone.
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (29 June 2012):
Are you to blame? No.Are you responsible for a part of the problem? yes.The crux of the problem, it seems to me, is that when you and your husband first got together, the two of you fulfilled certain emotional needs of the other - thus, falling in love with one another.However, now that you are feeling more grown and able, you need much less guidance and direction. That does not mean, however, that his need to be "at the helm" has changed any. He still needs to feel like he is guiding and teaching you. When you hint to him that it's not so necessary anymore, his sub-conscious mind hears a direct threat that his own emotional needs may go unfulfilled. He will react badly to that perceived threat, no matter how well you phrase it.On the flip side, your own emotional needs are maturing and growing. His need to guide and teach you is now not only UN-fulfilling, but crowds out the sort of equality based interdependence you are growing to need, this threatens your own emotional needs, and will inevitably alter your feelings for him as a husband.On the one hand, he DOES need to provide you room to grow, and support your emotional needs. On the other hand, it isn't him that's changed in this relationship, and are getting from it exactly what you taught him you wanted from it.To wrap it all up, yes, therapy CAN help.Not WILL, but CAN.Therapy is work. Hard work. It needs to be engaged in seriously by both members of the relationship, or the therapeutic effort is doomed to failure. It is also a long process. However, if the both of you approach therapy as a team, and really engage with it, not only can it save your relationship and marriage, but it is possible you could come through stronger than ever together.
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