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My boyfriend has become so controlling it's a problem but I can't break up with him because I love him!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 June 2012) 7 Answers - (Newest, 3 July 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 21. We've been in a serious committed relationship for almost a year. At first I wasn't very expressive and romantic towards him cuz I was just getting to know him and I am a very shy person.. He was very patient and kind and gentle and caring during this time.. I eventually fell in love with him and since then I've given my self completely to him.. Even if I feel uncomfortable doing something, I still do it because he asks me to.. And he has also restricted me a lot..like deleting my Facebook page just cuz he thinks other guys will see my picture and hit on me ( even though he has my password and i don't even talk to other guys), keeping my curfew at 8 30 pm, not letting me wear shorts without him being around, he made me promise not to ride my bike cuz he's scared that something might happen to me!! For all these things I've protested but I've given in,.. I love him so much and can't live without him.. But since the past 6 months hes changed! He doesn't like my friends so he made me stop hanging out with them ( they ate all girls), he's verbally abusive when we fight ( he calls me an asshole), he makes me feel very guilty for even the tiniest if things, he's become very short tempered and recently he's become violent when he drinks,.. Once he started yelling and cursing a cab driver who almost hit him! He was drunk and it was his fault but he started shouting at him and even said that he'd kill him! I had to pull him away from there! And also lately he's been finding faults with almost everything I do!! The way I talk, dress, walk, eat,.. It gets really frustrating!! He tells me that he's hard in me cuz he wants me to improve myself and be the best but I don't like him criticising me all the time! Also he's stopped being caring and gentle and patient with me.. I love him so mych and I just miss then old him!! The guy who I fell in love with ! Breaking up is out of the question cuz its not possible ! I know he loves me! And when I try talking to him he makes it seem like its my fault and makes me feel guilty and I end up apologising .. Please help!! Tell me what to do !! I love him so much I've been crying myself to sleep cuz of all this! I can't even talk to anyone cyz he made me distance myself from everyone.. Hey old me that it hurts him that I need other people in my life other than him.. So I don't have any friends !! Please tell me what to do!! Thanks in advance

View related questions: drunk, facebook, fell in love, shy, violent

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A male reader, Gwaimana Zimbabwe +, writes (3 July 2012):

He is abusive and want to control you.most see an abusive relationship and do as if he is the last man in the world.pluck courage and leave him now.He wants to isolate you and controls u.wake up b4 it's too late.dont do like u re living in the 40s.read a novel by Danielle Steel-Journey.

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A female reader, MissTellAll United States +, writes (29 June 2012):

MissTellAll agony auntI was in a situation eerily similar to this. He does not love you, but the power he has over you. I know how you're feeling; as if the second you leave him you will be alone because you love the man he made you think he was. You obviously know you should leave or that this relationship is wrong because you came here. YOU asked US.

After you leave him, which you desperately need to, it will be so hard not to go back. Everything in you will tell you to go back- except for your brain because you KNOW it's an awful relationship. It's going to hurt, but it will hurt more in the long run to stay. Don't even tell him goodbye. Just disappear.

If you need help after you leave him feel free to message me on here. I suspect you feel alienated from you friends, so it's even harder to leave. Remember that is exactly what he wants.

Best of luck to you. Please, leave him.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (29 June 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntListen to this old auntie... TRUST MKE

“He was very patient and kind and gentle and caring during this time”

READ: he’s no longer patient and kind and gentle and caring.. now he’s mean and angry and manipulative because he has trapped me in his clutches

“Even if I feel uncomfortable doing something, I still do it because he asks me to.”

READ: I am losing myself to make this man happy. I do things I do not want to do to make this man happy. I am NOT TRUE TO MYSELF to make this man happy.

“And he has also restricted me a lot..”

READ: he’s controlling and wants me to be WHAT he wants NOT MYSELF:

To wit:

He deleted your facebook page

He gives you a curfew (that’s what PARENTS do for CHILDREN or the police do during times of unrest)

He controls your clothing. (yes my man has a say in what I wear when we go out for DATE night but only for date night and only because I allow it)

You say you love him so much you can’t live without him and yet here you are complaining…

He’s abusive to you

He does not like your friends so he “made you” stop hanging out with them. Personally in this case we opt not to spend couple time with my friends that don’t like him or he does not like but I still see them. He has no say in who I choose to be friends with.

He becomes violent when he drinks… HONEY LEAVE HIM RIGHT NOW… I live with and love an alcoholic who occasionally becomes violent when he drinks… RUN now… if you even have the option to leave MAKE IT SO. Do NOT think this will get better. IT WILL NOT. When my alcoholic gets in one of his “bad” moods I leave. I go sleep somewhere else… there is no reasoning with a drunk. There is nothing that will work but sobriety. LEAVE! PLEASE LEAVE.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012):

"I love him so mych and I just miss then old him!! The guy who I fell in love with !"

The "old him" never existed as the "guy who [you] fell in love with" is a charming, manipulative con artist who was just putting on an act to lure you in and set you up so he could begin to exert the control and gain the power he now has over you.

"I know he loves me! And when I try talking to him he makes it seem like its my fault and makes me feel guilty and I end up apologising .."

Sorry, but his constantly shifting blame away from him and unto you only proves he DOESN'T love you.

Controlling jerks like him target young women who have little or no self-respect and are desperate for any kind of male attention and affection, which is why you are so desperate to cling to him and hold on to an absolutely disastrous controlling relationship that has a high likelihood of becoming physically abusive within a very short time, as fellow aunts have already warned.

Unfortunately, you currently lack the insight to understand the subconscious forces influencing and motivating your behavior. Please seek counselling to get the understanding, help and support you need to recognize the classic tactics straight out of the Controlling Male 101 handbook that this jerk is employing to subjugate your personality and will to his, and gain the knowledge and tools you need to make a clean, final and SAFE break from him.

As everyone else has said, you must end this toxic relationship ASAP but you can't do it alone, you need help to keep yourself safe and healthy, both psychologically and physically. Contact your local domestic violence hotline or shelter today.

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A female reader, Battista United Kingdom +, writes (29 June 2012):

You must break up with this man. I am sure that you do love him, but that just isn't enough sometimes. It is certainly not enough when the other partner is abusive and controlling. Please get yourself out of this situation, it's only going to get worse.

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A female reader, ImmortalPrincess United States +, writes (29 June 2012):

ImmortalPrincess agony auntYou're on your way to becoming a physically abused woman. All the classic signs are there, it's just a matter of time before he starts hitting you. You may love him, but he does not love you. He needs the ego boost he gets from knowing he has complete power over you.

You have two choices. You can stay in the relationship and suck it up and learn to live with the abuse, or you can get out, NOW, before it gets any worse.

Do you live together? Because if you don't then that will make it real easy for you to cut all contact with him. If you do live together, then next time he is out of the house, then pack up your things and leave, leave no forwarding contact information. Surely you have family you can go to.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012):

All I'm hearing is what he is making you do but in all actuality you're allowing him to control you, love has nothing to do with it you're in love with the person he was once. The relationship is toxic amd very much unhealthy. You will caused more grief and stress than good if you continue.on. You have to end it and work on yourself, because for you to be so called controlled means you're emotionally set up for failure. Get out now and start over your new life.

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