A
female
age
30-35,
*haashiie
writes:I need some advice, I posted a question about a month ago or so when I was very upset after having found out my boyfriend had been watching porn behind my back throughout our entire relationship. He denied it for a while and finally admitted it and I was very upset. Since then we have moved past that.He explained to me the reason he watched porn was because we weren't having enough sex, which looking back is probably completely true. We've been together for 3 years now and within that 3 years I had to get surgery 4 times which stressed me out a ton, and I was also on a birth control pill for 2 years that made me have absolutely NO sex drive.Well he stopped watching porn in July but the thing is... he never really wants to have sex. I have stopped taking that birth control pill because I reealized what it was doing ot my sex drive and my body (it was Seasonale if you're wondering.. I really don't recommend it to ANYONE) and of course my sex drive is back to normal.. but I don't know where his went?!We have sex about once a week (which is the same frequency when he was watching porn) and when I try to talk to him about it he just says "well it will be worth the wait when we do" or something like that. He is either always "too tired" or we "don't have enough time" or "no place".. we both commute to college so we still live with our parents but we're allowed to be in our rooms with the door shut.So why does he never want to have sex and never want to talk about not having sex? According to him we never had enough sex so he had to resort to watching porn and lying to me all the time but now he is ok with not watching porn and not having sex?!I really don't know what to think and I'm so confused. Was he lying about why he watched porn? I know he isn't watching it behind my back because he doesn't even know how to delete his temporary internet files. I know he finds me attractive, he always tells me I look beautiful or sexy. When we do have sex it's absolutely amazing for both of us. I know this is something we should be talking about between the two of us but he just doesn't want to hear it and now MY sex life is suffering. How should I approach this and fix this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (11 December 2008):
shaashiie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well thank you for your answer, I appreciate all of your honesty. Let me start with the first thing I read: "How could you also have been a passionate sex kitten and give him sex anytime and any place he wanted? Take time and be honest about the quality of your relationship and your sex life"
I did. I did not take long enough to recover. My surgery was on my brain but they entered through an artery in my groin and I had sex with him as soon as 2 days after one of my surgeries because I felt terrible about turning him down. Like I said, if he asked I would do it. Obviously it wasn't a good idea, but I tried to keep him happy. He didn't even come to see me in the hospital once, either, and that always hurt.
When I made my first post about the porn I was VERY hurt. I understand now all of the different things that contributed to the situation because we have spoken about it since then. He finally told me specific reasons why he was watching it.
For the first year of our relationship I wasn't on that pill and I hadn't even found out about the surgeries yet but he had already started watching porn. We had a normal sex life at that point. But I am over the porn, I mean inside I am not over it, it still hurts sometimes and I still worry that he compares me but he has reassured me he never did so I can't keep bothering him about it as everything that I'm worried about now are my own insecurities and I can't keep bringing those to him. I've stopped that because it's not fair to him and I'm tired of being unfair to him.
Now I just feel terrible because I feel like I've failed him as a girlfriend. I really hope we can start over and build everything back up again, like you said. He told me just the other day that I'm perfect for him, so I am trying not to worry myself too much (that's a personality trait with me it seems haha).
Thank you again, I was looking for the honest answer you gave me and I will let you know how it goes :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): One little thing. If you had surgery 4 times in 3 years, didn't you need to recover. How could you also have been a passionate sex kitten and give him sex anytime and any place he wanted? Take time and be honest about the quality of your relationship and your sex life. It's hard, but it's worth it, I promise you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): You won't like to hear this, most women are very sensitive when it comes to these things. But I'll give you my 10pence worth based on my experience and what men have explained to me. Maybe little resentments have built up over the years and now he may be have trained himself to do without bothering you for sex.
"We've been together for 3 years now and within that 3 years I had to get surgery 4 times which stressed me out a ton, and I was also on a birth control pill for 2 years that made me have absolutely NO sex drive" (Shaashiie 7th Dec 2008)
So in the last 3 years, because of various problems you've been off sex, and he's had to cope by himself and be understanding while you were recovering from various things. He used porn as a substitute, but then you found out and got angry and made a big fuss. That's very hard for a man, you didn't want sex and he had to deal with it, and then you objected to the way that he did...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-lied-about-watching-porn-for-3-years.html
You didn't mention this in your previous post. You were hurt and angry about the pornography, but you didn't tell us about the stress, the surgery and the low sex drive.
"It was affecting our sex life and I'm tired of everyone thinking it's my fault as the female! I would have sex with him almost whenever, if we had the time and the place I would not turn him down. (Shaashiie 11th Nov 2008)
You say your hurt, your confused, you feel that he cheated you with the pornography, and now he's given it up, he's refusing to give you a sex life. It couldn't have been very pleasant these last 3years, you stressed out, with a low sex drive, and forcing yourself to give him sex anytime, any place he wanted. If he was a caring guy, he would have been very unhappy with your sex life, he wouldn't have wanted to bother you too much, so that's why he turned to porn. He must have felt a little rejected by you, or felt like a animal forcing you to do something you didn't want to do.
"he just doesn't want to hear it and now MY sex life is suffering" (Shaashiie 11 Nov 2008)
Now your ok, and he's got to switch again, start getting used to giving you lots of sex, when he's trained himself a different way. He's confused and hurt too babes..
Forget about the sex thing, stop making noise about pornography, stop stressing him out with questions about why, why, why... cause he's probably trying to protect you. He know you'd be hurt if he told you he's been unhappy with your sex life for the last couple of years.
Start again, start dating, start to romance him. Your a partnership, it's about you did the chasing, he's been there through your pain, show him you've been worth him standing y you all these years. Seduce him, take him out, play with him and start to bring laughter and happiness into your lives. Thank him for the good things he dose, think about positives, and try to ignore and minimise the negatives. You've both been unhappy long enough, start slowly and try to bring romance back into your relationship. It's not about ME, ME, ME anymore and what you want out of life. It's about WE, WE, WE, what can you do to make each other happy and make each other smile. Remember the beginning when you first met, how wonderful and happy you were then. Bring back the romance into your life, and then he won't be able to keep himself away.
I've been there babes... this is my best advice to you, on how you and him can grow closer and regain the intimacy.
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A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (9 December 2008):
shaashiie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he doesn't work out, and he could be stressed. I am trying to figure out the factors leading him to the decreased sex drive but he won't talk to me about it, he just brushes me off and even gets mad sometimes. Maybe I'm offending him but I ask in an understanding way.. and if i AM offending him... how did he think I felt when he watched porn instead of talking about things like I'm trying to do now? He watched it to the point where he became addicted. That was extremely offensive.
But anyway, any ideas on how to get him to open up about this? We haven't had sex in over a week now. Maybe he really isn't that attracted to me anymore or maybe the porn gave him unrealistic expectations? He told me that he would imagine it was me and him when he watched it, maybe the real thing just doesn't do it for him anymore and he needs some corny porn? He hasn't watched it since July, and like I said we have great sex.. different positions, different techniques, you name it, so I really am just baffled. If it's stress why can't he just tell me and I would help him through it? Or if it's something else he should be able to tell me, we've been together for 3 years and know almost everything about each other.
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A
male
reader, Cards18 +, writes (9 December 2008):
Hmm.. You listed some factors for why your sex drive was lower, perhaps he has some factors as well??
Intense workouts, stress could be effecting his sex drive as well.
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A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (8 December 2008):
shaashiie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I do see it as something negative, and my issue here wasn't really the porn. He knows different positions and all that, he knows how to please me. I know how to please him. There are other sources of learning, such as talking it out with your partner, there are books that give tips, websites that give tips. My question was why does he not want to have sex and why does he not want to talk about it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Porn is one of the best teachers for men (and women) when it comes to sex. My ex was very inexperienced and when he caught on it wasn't doing the trick for me he picked up a few tips from porn, its only a bad thing if you see it as something negative.
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