A
female
age
30-35,
*haashiie
writes:My boyfriend have been together for nearly three years. The topic of porn is something that has come up in our conversations before and he knows it is something I really do not approve of. I found out back in June that he has been watching porn for the entire duration of our relationship I was in shock and extremely hurt. We broke up for about a month in April because we were going through a rough time. He told me that it was only while we were broken up in April that he watched the porn but it gave his computer viruses that messed up his temporary internet files and made the dates all messed up. I always knew this was a lie but was kind of in denial. He finally admitted yesterday he actually had been watching it through out our entire relationship and I don't know what to do. He knows this is something I am very against. He hasn't watched porn since I caught him back in July but that doesn't help me any when it comes to being intimate. I can't help but to think of the hundreds of other women he has seen naked and whether or not I look as good as them or live up to the fantasies he had while watching them. And I can't help but to ask myself why he was watching this in the first place? I always tried my best to please him. He is even telling me he didn't like watching it and didn't find those women attractive but that is a flat out lie because why else would he watch these videos every day, even on my birthday?? Please, don't tell me to grow up, I don't think it's mature for someone to accept the fact that their significant other needs to resort to porn to meet their sexual needs or to degrade women in such a way. I just want to know how to get over this and repair our relationship or if I should just dump him and move on and trust another guy enough to not put me through this again. I mean, he is still lying to me by not even admitting he enjoyed the damn things. It has really taken a hit at my self esteem and my self-worth as a woman. I thought I found a guy who understood why I disapproved of this stuff.
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broke up, move on, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, misslala +, writes (28 September 2009):
I don't think you should dump him LUCKY YOU your bf did something mine will probably never do he fessed up to it and finally told you without you having to drag it out of him
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): If you were watching videos of naked guys, I bet he would be furious. It's such a double standard.
Funnily enough, I don't care as long as my b/f isn't going on dating websites and is hiding the porn from me. Strange but it makes me feel better
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): omg i am in the same boat, i have been asking my boyfriend how he thinks about sex, how he wants it and stuff and he kept telng me that he thinks it is a part of love, affection, so i tought he was fine. till last week i discoverd that he pays for online porn webcams, dating sites, nude pictures, and much other stuff.it relly turned me down, i dont trust him anymore, he has no value in my eyes anymore.why does he need other women, i am not good enough for him ? why did he lie, i really really dont trust him anymore.i wanted to broke up with him but he beged me to saty, well i am staying now but i know i will leave him very soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): I'm in the same boat as you.
It's so freaking confusing and hurts so much. :-( I see him differently now too & I constantly walk on egg shells hoping I don't push him away with how angry I randomly get now because of what he did. He lied to me for 4.5 years...
It really sucks and I hope you can figure out what to do. I'm still with him, as we hope to get married, but it's different now. Or at least for me.
He gave it up in July too for us, but I get scared and think about well what if he's home alone, what then? I don't know. Do you feel the same? Do you live with him?
I wish you the best. Please send me a message if you'd like to talk about this more. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (20 November 2008):
shaashiie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for your answers. I am still very unsure about what to do. Some days I tell myself that it's normal and I shouldn't worry as long as he isn't doing it anymore and some days I can't help thinking about how much he hurt me by lying. I can't stop thinking about what else he may have lied about to stop from hurting my feelings. If it is something he knows would hurt my feelings he shouldn't have done it in the first place. I could do plenty of things to hurt his feelings or to get back at him but I don't because I love him, so why couldn't he show me the same respect?
Sometimes I also think that he wishes he was single so he could do it again with a clear conscience but he tells me that's not true at all.
We have been together for almost 3 years for a reason but now that he doesn't have this outlet for whatever reason he needed it for I'm worried he might resort to cheating or something. I view him as a completely different person now.. I always thought he had the same views as me on this type of stuff.
If we are together and a girl walks by that is dressed in a really revealing way he would always say something like "ew she looks like a skank" without me even opening my mouth and mentioning the girl but then I find out he looks at the skankiest girls of them all on the internet every night? I am so confused by him....
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A
female
reader, IGetIt  +, writes (19 November 2008):
Look, please don't listen to the posts that suggest you need to accept this or accept that your insecurities are yous alone. Compulsive porn usage has this effect on the partner, period. The problem is huge, the numbers are astronomical. This wasn't always the case, Sure, men had the occasional magazine, but that's not the same as the ubiquitous availability due o the internet. The internet is not simply a "natural" outlet for men's "natural" desires; it's a technology that sucks people in, much further than they intend. And it's hard to stop. Once at that point, all the so-called justifications begin. It causes men to cross a line. And with addiction comes all the blaming and manipulation. Don't put up with it. If he agrees to get help from a specialist in this field, maybe your marriage can be saved. And perhaps the two of you could participate in a healing program together.But if he doesn't cooperate, do not feel guilty about leaving.
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A
female
reader, MissUnique +, writes (14 November 2008):
 See, this is exactly why he didn't tell you, he knew you would be mad and dump him, simply because you don't approve, but you know what? Something I have found is that only a small percentage of guys DON'T watch porn. If he's within the same age range as you, (approx. 19-20) then he has lots of hormones right now. One thing you cannot do is blame yourself or compare yourself to the women on their. They're fake and 'perfect' so people say. It doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you, actually quite the opposite. Most guys at that age have a raging sex drive and watching porn is a kind of way to help. I mean, I'm not saying he hasn't done anything to you, he lied and did something he knew you felt strongly against. But he probably really didn't want to hurt you, or for you to break up. He's now told you either because he feels bad about lying to you or he wants to be honest with you. Either way, the reason he hasn't told you was because of you and your feelings. He cares about you!! Don't break up just because of this, please. Watching porn while in a relationship doesn't prove anything. Just ask him to be honest with you from now on, because even if it's something you don't want to know about, it's far better finding out at the beginning rather than after a long period of time. Don't dump him. There really isn't a reason to if he promises to be honest with you.
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A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (11 November 2008):
shaashiie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add this, but he stopped watching the porn back in July. I'm sorry, I was trying to add everything and left out a main point. He stopped watching when I found out and even though he still lied about it, he stopped. And I am sure he stopped.
It was affecting our sex life and I'm tired of everyone thinking it's my fault as the female! I would have sex with him almost whenever, if we had the time and the place I would not turn him down. He is the one who would just always want a quickie I guess because he already got satisfied the night before by someone else in his mind. I am attractive, I know I am. This is why I don't understand it and why it hurts.
I just need to know how to get over this because I am so deeply hurt. No, I don't watch porn, and no, I don't look at other guys. I'm not a prude either when it comes to sex just because I don't watch porn. I don't need to look at a bunch of whores on the internet to know how to please my man.
How can I learn to trust him again?? The fact that he did stop watching it when he saw my initial reaction makes me want to hold onto him but I am not sure how..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I wouldn't be concerned about the porn. That's pretty normal for guys. If he is in the same age range as you then chances are his hormones are raging. There will be times when he's horny and you're not around, and our society makes a taboo out of nakedness and it's kind of a "forbidden fruit" type thing. Unless it's affecting his desire to be intimate with you, it's kind of his business. I don't know what your sex life is like, but if you find yourself turning him down on occasion you really can't fault him for finding another way to get off, solo. I'm not trying to be harsh, just calling it as I see it.
The only thing I think you are fair to be concerned about in this situation is the fact he lied to you about it. I don't think it was necessarily reasonable of you to demand that he quit unless you give him everything he wants in bed (and I'm not saying that you should or have to, just that then you shouldn't be surprised if he looks elsewhere to fantasize about those things.) I assume he lied because he knew you wouldn't like it and wouldn't react rationally to it.
If this is something you really can't get past, then by all means break up with him...and best of luck finding another guy in your age range who has absolutely no interest in porn!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): He is a man, men watch porn! Don't dump him because he wants a bit of fun! I'm sure you have watched porn atleast once in your life! x
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (11 November 2008):
 For the sake of argument, I'm going to assume that your boyfriend is within your same age bracket (the 18-21 you've indicated for yourself). That said, as a young man, he's got raging sexual desires that run through him all the time. I think the larger questions here are why he would view porn despite your disapproval of it and what is it that he gets from viewing porn that he's not getting in his current relationship with you... so let me give you my 10-cents...
First, men are very visual creatures when it comes to sexual attraction... that one of the reasons places as sedate as Hooter's and as extreme as strip-clubs are such money-makers... guys are willing to pay for the safety of looking without touching. It's a huge industry and it's probably never going to go away, especially since it's been around in some form since man started to record history... if you don't believe me, consult your local Bible. I would have to guess that he's using pornographic stimulation for various reasons... like he might be viewing acts that you have either given the impression you're not interested in or is somehow embarrassed to discuss/approach you with. If you've told or even hinted that some of those sexual acts he's viewing are things you're clearly not interested in exploring, then the images are supplying a surrogate for that play out in his fantasies fueled by the material... which leads to the second question, what he's not getting in real life. I'm not going to specifically comment on what you two may or may not be experiencing sexually as a couple: that's obviously personal and something only the two of you can discuss. I might suggest that you ponder that for a while and see if you have answers for yourself.
Finally, I can understand the issue of your self-esteem taking a hit by his activity, but on the other hand, only you can make you feel bad -- it's a power that you have, but if you choose to give that power to him and let him degrade your self-worth, please stop. Like I said, you have the power over this and only you can keep it and your esteem in high regard, or you can choose to let somebody have that power/control over your own self-worth... which is never a good situation. I'm in no way trying to say "grow up" to you.
As far as if this is due cause for your parting ways, again I think only you can answer that. If you have a strict sense of morals that leave no room for pornography in your life or relationship, then yes break up. If you are willing to step back a minute and look at the situation from your boyfriend's point-of-view, then you might discovered the real reasons why. Men are generally shy about discussing their sexual desires with "significant others" because of a fear of jeopardizing the relationship (thus hiding the porn). But, I think you might be hard-pressed to find a guy in this, the age of internet-porn, who has never seen pornographic material... I suppose I say that because it's seems to be a reality as much as the sun rising tomorrow morning. Every couple will at some point have to confront the issue sometime. I just find it a shame that he (seemingly) feels he must hide it from you... but if he feels he's going to get persecuted (which it seems you're doing), then his reaction would naturally be to hide.
I hope some of this was worth it to you. It is my 10-cents and you are most welcome to disagree with all of my points raised.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I don't know what to tell you. As a guy, every guy I know, especially around my age, 18 - 21, watches porn. It's in our blood. I found myself watching more porn while in a relationship than when I wasn't in a relationship, not because I didn't have feelings for my partner, but because I was super horny.
I never found pornstars to be attractive persay, moreso the fact that they are such whores is kinda a turnon in a sick perverted teenage boy kinda way. It's not that he doesn't have feelings for you, by the sound of it he is just super horny.
I know I woulda loved it if my ex saw my porn watching as bad and upped my sex to the point I couldn't watch porn because my penis hurt that bad. Try that, maybe showing him that you can be as sexual as he wants will turn down his viewing habits.
You have to remember you and him have feelings for eachother, whereas these pornstars me and him look at are just nameless whores. There is no attraction beyond physical lust, and it ends at that. take comfort in knowing the one he makes love to, is you.
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