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We live with his parents they heard us fight and now I'm ashamed to see them

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 January 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2018)
A female China age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi.. we are asian married couple living with my in laws. We married several months ago and been together for 5 years before.

My husband isnt perfect, but he is the most approriate man for me. When we first marry we are so happy and he is protective with me. But he dislike that i complained about his mom treatment to me a lot. He hates being the middle man. His mom has high expectation from me.

He has start up business and its taking all his concern and time. We barely have dinner together as he is busy at night. He usually went home after midnight at 2 or 3. I fully understand if he prioritize his business right now. I help him with his administration and i know his business is growing. He is really busy and not making excuse to ignore our relationship.

I might sound ungrateful now, but i often feel so lonely. I sleep alone. And when he is home im sleeping. I try to wake up and have a chat with him only finding he is more interested in reading comic from laptop. When i ask for a hug from him he will give me a short hug and back to his laptop. When i tell him that i feel so lonely and unloved he tell me to sleep. And when i keep telling him he will mad and say why i cant give him his " me time". He cant read comics or have any fun when he is working which is true. He is very serious with his work. But i feel that he should be more caring to me as im his wife. He has his reason and i too. I just want him to hug me automatically without me asking and show his love and passion for me. He barely have sex now as he said he is very tired. His work requires many energy. I dont know am i justifying his treatment to me or its the truth.

This morning we argue about my feeling. I told him im very lonely and i want to go home. He try to be patient and i keep telling him im not happy anymore. He that just wake up has bad tempered said " you want to go home then okay " he opened the door for me harsly with his angry tone of voice. I quickly close the door as i dont want anyone to know about our argument and he opened the door and and i closed it again. It happened 3 times. And the door is banging hard. Everyone in the house know we have argument and the maid is coming to our room as my in laws command.

When im waiting for my car to take me home his mom asked me what happened to us. My husband isnt used to bang door or angry like that. Its the first time for him as his mom know. She said i should tell her if anything happened. She even asked me was my husband hitting me. I said no and she said i should sue him if he hit me. Dont let him hit me. Then i told her that i feel so lonely and i tell my husband. I feel he is not appreciating me enough that he takes all my words as complain. He thinks every word that come from my mouth is nagging. I cut fruit for him everyday and brings water bottle for him so that he wont buy soft drinks when he is working. Sometimes when i told him to dont forget to bring that with him he will get annoyed. I know he is a smoker but he wont admit it. He always deny the fact that i smell a smoke from his shirt. He will tell me that its his customer who smoke and the smoke get into his shirt. I catch him once he is smoking with his customer and he said sorry. I get paranoid and evrytime he went home i will ask him are you smoking and he will get annoyed like i dony trust him. He cough almost everyday and im worry about his health.

I cook for him and prepared it to him but he is not eating it right away when he is sleeping. He procastinate for 1 hour and finally eat it. I told his mom and she said i dont need to keep asking him and just let him be if he doesnt want to eat it right away. As long as i prepared it for him. She said he doesnt understand i love and care about him and im not nagging. She also suggest me to demand my husband to take me out for dates every sunday. I said he is busy but his mom said i should be demand it from him. She asked me do i ever ask my husband that he still loves me and why he wants to marry me. I said i asked him and he definitely said yes. She tell me to accept the fact my husbnd like and be patient. I feel like she thinks his son isnt love me anymore.

Their relationship between their family member isnt really close. They dont have close bonds and i think they have many misunderstandings that cnt be solved. My husband isnt very open to his family about his life like he did to me and they like to asked me about my husband life going on. I regret that they know about our problem and i feel so ashamed right now. We are good like normal and he treats me like usual. Better maybe. He brings me to dinner in his busy time. I suspect his mom adviced him when im not around. But when i asked him he said his mom dont say anything to him. I dont know. What i feel is im very ashamed of our act this morning. That everyone know about our problem and argument. That everyone will feel pity on me like im not desirable wife. His mom isnt like me much as well because i cnt live up to her expectation. She wants me to help her around and dedicate myself to their family. She is very traditional. She dislike me to went home everyday to help my parent business and she asked me if i really help them or i relaxed at my home. I regret that i told her wht hppen to us but i have no choice she is urging me and im emotionaly unstable and cnt think right that time. I dont know she will take that just as information for her or she will help me to advice his son to improve his behavior. I dont know i did the right or wrong thing.

Im not sure what should i do now. I feel so much shame and what should i act when i meet them tomorrow?

View related questions: her ex, unloved

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (2 February 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you are not getting what you need from this marriage and you have tried everything in your power, then it might be best for you to move back home for a while until you figure out what you want from life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2018):

Im the op. We havent talk to each other since sunday night. He is so indifferent. Never cares if i had my dinner or no. If im feeling well. What am i doing. Actually i feel he wants to reconcile at first. He sleeps near me and asked me where am i going yesterday. But i avoid him wishing he will make effort to get my heart back but no. He did nothing. He even avoid being in the bedroom with me beside to sleep at night.

I feel he doesnt love me anymore. He takes me for granted. I just need his love and attention but he seems cant provide me at the moment. I alwys feel lonely. He doesnt really understand what i feel or he just doesnt cate about my needs.

Wht should i do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2018):

I am so sorry you feel this way, as I read your question and the responses you received, I imagine you feel so trapped. You are questioning yourself constantly, but at the end of the day you cant deny what you are feeling. Right or wrong, selfish or not, immature or not - it doesnt matter, it is what you feel. And it seems no matter how hard you try, the feelings of lonliness cant be shaken. When I read your question, I do see that you obviously love your husband and "nag" him out of love and concern. You wouldnt bother otherwise. And I can see the internal struggle you have as you try to leave him be and let him have his space and grow his business - all the while feeling lonely and let down. And although you live with the in-laws and there is respect to be given there for that, it must be horrible constantly having their input into your relationship and having your husband go to them all the time. It does the opposite of building trust and intimacy. At the end of the day he is their son first and foremost. I dont have an answer for you. I only say that I undersatnd why you are feeling what you are feeling. Try not to let the harshness of other responses make you feel bad about yourself. But I also think you shouldn't just leave him until you have exhausted every possible option. Goodluck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2018):

Being of a different culture and my answer is that of the western society, I will do the best I can. It sounds like his mom wants to understand why you are not happy. Her culture will dictate much of what she says, but, remember she is also a woman and reach her on that level. If you are more happy at home, do not feel guilt for are an outsider in his home and your feelings are not without merit. Possibly find something you would like to do where you feel more fulfilled when you are alone. Ask her when she married her husband what was it like for her. Let her know you appreciate her and embarrassed to have them witness your arguments. But above all stop beating yourself up. You are a normal newlywed. And being in someone else’s home like you are puts an extra strain on the marriage that is not because of you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2018):

We had argument just now. Its about im finding him topped up the diamond in bigo live. I feel so angry that he did that while he neglect our relationship. I admit that i made mistake that i said i will dvorce him if i know he is lying or cheating on me. When he went home i ask to borrow his phone and he get so emotional and smash his phone on the floor. Even smash the chair. Yell at me and said he cant stand my preassure anymore. He ask me to join him to tell his parent we are going to divorce. He even cried and tell them he cant stand this anymore.

He told all what i said even the private things like i feel uncomfortable living with them. He tell them im a nag and keep complaining. They both see his son is the one who has problem and advice him. He rarely spent time with me and his parent fully understand what i feel.

When he is present his parent advice him that he shouldnt take my advice as a complain. Its because your wife cares about you that she keep advicing and cares about you. You should be grateful. Advice go on and he continue to work.

Then i went to his parent room and tell them what i feel, what i wish and what i did. I tell them as a woman sometimes i feel so lonely because we are newly married 4 months ago but he seems indifferent with me. Everynight i request him to hug me when he is at home and he give me a short hug. I dont demand much from him. I dont ask for a cent of money since we marry because my parent still provide for me happily. I come from wealthy family and i used to have high lifestyle. I realised that its my consequence my husband is starting his business and i never ever take any of his money even he put it on our desk and let me take it freely anytime. I know that money shouldnt be spend unless its urgent because he needs that money for his business.

I did everything i could to make him happy. But i had the habit of keep advicing him not to smoke and asking many things about him. He dislike that and take that as complains. I never demand him to take me out but i ask him when he is free for date. He will say he will inform me and its unlikely happen.

Now when he brings me to dinner im very happy and grateful while its normal things for other couple. I get so easy to happy and upset. I keep reminding myself that when my dad start his own business things are tough too for them. My dad used to experiment on his warehouse until 2 in the morning and work all by himself as breadwinner. Its like my current situation the difference is my husband is going out for work and my dad is at home.

I dont know am i wrong here? I try not to be demanding and hopes he can be more understanding and caring without im asking. But deep in my heart i feel so lonely. I need his attention. But he cant be a team with me and he betrayed me by telling all our talks to his parent. I feel so ashamed right now. Even the workers know we have argument and i cnt face them anymore. They should lose respect to me

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 January 2018):

Are you forgetting your mother-in-law is a married-woman? Don't you think she knows you argue? If you're living in the same house; she is bound to hear you and your husband have disagreements. Stop trying to give your mother-in-law the impression that you're perfect. She knows you fight!

Okay, the first two coddled you. Now I'm going to give you some tough-love.

Your complaints towards her make no sense. Most of the post doesn't really make a lot of sense. She had a talk with her son and managed to get him to take you out. She's trying to be nice to you, and offer you motherly-advice. You're complaining and pouting about her son's behavior; naturally she would intervene. Growing an upstart-business that could fail is a lot of pressure. He's trying to avoid embarrassing his new wife; and disappointing his parents if he fails! He's also silently going out of his mind with worry; but trying to look like he can handle it. That's why he is neglecting you. It's hard doing it all at the same-time!

If his parents are traditional/old-school, they are pressuring him to succeed. Just as much as you're pressuring him to be a perfect husband. You're both young and inexperienced; but you will learn as time goes by. He has to succeed; so you can get your own place as soon as possible. So show patience. Lighten-up, and read comics with him. Share whatever time you can with each other.

I also know in my wisdom, that traditional-parents put a lot of pressure on their children to get married and have grand-children. If you were together five years prior to marriage; he probably feels like he's been married the whole time. So all the lovey-dovey snuggly-stuff might have cooled-off; or the pressure is getting to him. You've never been a wife, and he has never been a husband before. It takes adjustment.

He's reading comics to escape reality. He's now married, trying to start a business, still living with his parents, and he's got a new young bride. He deals with customers all day, and everybody needs or wants something.

Everybody turns on the "guy" without looking at the whole picture; but there are always two-sides to every story. I think he's stretched too far, married before he was ready, and you're unhappy about living with his parents. All that stuff about how your mother-in-law doesn't like you stems from your behaving like a child, not a married-woman.

You're living in your in-law's house. We frequently get these posts about in-laws; some may even be from the same person expecting a different answer. You have to get your own place. You've been together five years? So has your husband changed drastically since you've gotten married? He comes home at 2-3 in the morning from work. He's probably very tired, and not in the mood for romance. It's going to be that way for a while as he builds his business. Does he travel home by car or train? Trains are stuffed with people all hours. If it's a long drive or ride home; that's also exhausting.

Prepare his food and leave it for him to eat when he's ready to eat it. It doesn't make any sense that you're upset when he eats it. The smoking complaint, well, I get that. I just think you're piling too many complaints on top of each other; and you're starting to cause unnecessary friction. You really need to calm yourself and not be so fidgety. I think you feel cramped and exposed; but that's always the same old complaint from wives living with in-laws. They always complain about their mothers-in-law. You married her son, what would you expect from her?

Feeling shame is a little silly. Stop running home when you fight. That's the drama that draws attention, not the arguments. Your mother-in-law doesn't really dislike you. You behave immaturely, and you find too many things to complain about. Marriage requires adjustment. You're living in someone's home as guests, and that doesn't offer you much privacy. You're being a drama queen and fussing over very small things. You're ungrateful; while being offered a home until you get your own.

Try to be more of an adult. Stop fussing over small matters. Let your husband catch-up on his rest, relax with his comics, and maybe he will be more romantic. Just rest your head on his shoulder and relax together. Make a comfy little spot to sit together; and just be glad he's home. The complaining separates you, it doesn't bring you together.

Stop demonizing your mother-in-law. It's kind of your in-laws to offer you a nice place; while you and your husband grow a business. Things will improve. Grow-up and stop behaving childishly. He will take you more seriously if you behaved more grown-up. Comics offer a lot of people an escape; and even if that seems childish to you. It's better than complaining about every thing you do or don't do! It's his form of stress-release. Sex and romance is difficult when your mother and father are just down the hall!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2018):

I come from a similar culture as u- actually I was raised in a communist county so I get alooot if what you are saying . You are lonely being he is not being respectful of you and ur boundaries - you and him are family now ( I know cultures like ur and mine probably include the parents but it doesn’t matter) at the end of the day you and him are on this journey together- then comes his parents and everything else

My mother was like you and got stepped on and disrespected and is 60 and miserable - I watched it all go down for 32 Years -

You have options - u know in ur heart this isn’t right

1. Step up and put boundaries

2. If he can’t respect you - talk and see what is going on

3 if he doesn’t listen to what u are saying the. Evaluate why u are in this in the beginning

no matter what ur culture - family - this or that believes you only have one life to live - it’s not worth it to waste it on people and things that are not worth it - trust me my grandparents made my mom stay married to my dad because they didn’t believe in divorce and they are so so so miserable

I wish you clarity - peace and strength

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (14 January 2018):

He is treating you with great disrespect and is taking you for granted. As Aunt Honesty notes, he needs to take you seriously. His taking you for granted was only reinforced when he opened the door for you three times and you shut it. You need to leave, if just to let him know you will do so. If he comes back and promises to change his ways, you can give him another chance. If he doesn't come back to you, at least you will 1) have your self-respect, and 2) have gotten rid of him.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntFirst off all married couples have arguments so don’t feel ashamed. This is the problem when you live with your in laws they will see and hear many things. It sounds like his mother just wants you both to be happy. This is a problem you need to solve with your husband though. If he doesn’t want fruit and water then don’t prepare it for him. If he doesn’t want food because he is sleeping then don’t make it for him. You need to tell him how you feel. He needs to take you serious. If he doesn’t show you any love and is not taking you out on occasion then you need to tell him if it doesn’t change you will be leaving because you deserve to be treated with love and respect. He needs to know that you are being serious and it’s not just empty threats.

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