A
male
age
41-50,
*avid77
writes:Long question, sorry. 2 parts actually.Part 1: I just got out of a 7 year relationship a little over a month ago. I left her due to a drinking problem she had (binge drinker, angry drunk). How long should I sit on the sidelines of the dating world? I was thinking 3 months to rediscover myself.Part 2: An ex-coworker whom I've been corresponding with for the past 2 years emails me 3 days after the breakup and mentions she would like to visit in about a month. I tell her about the breakup via email, and we have a beautiful exchange for the next few weeks talking about life, friends and breakups. She writes that I should have women landing at my feet (I'm 32, attractive, successful and unique (counter-culture)). We've always been a little flirty, but nothing too obvious (we were both in long term relationships when I worked with her). She actually moved back to her hometown on the other side of the country after her partner of 4 years left her.About 2 weeks after the email exchange started, she drunk dials me (I was drunk as well). We talk for 4 hours till the wee hours of the morning expressing our feelings for each other. 2 days later, she says it would be a bad idea as we live so far aware, etc.. I tell her that I want to maintain the friendship, can we delay your visit by a few months so I can get my head in order.. she says she's still coming out, and I don't have to see her if I don't want to.Long story short, she's been here a few days, we've been getting along great, and I am in great spirits considering the fresh breakup. A little alcohol on her second night here, we start talking like lovers do when they first get together (past partners, answers to basic questions, etc.). She then straddles me (did I mention I am extremely attracted to her?) and gives me "the look" and I politely tell her no. I've had 7 partners, she's had 35 (went through a 1 night stand phase in her early 20's twice(she's 31)). I've been in two long term relationships, hence my low count. I try to be honorable and am used to turning down women that I'm just not into. She also has an active "f**k buddy," with the agreement that they split as soon as one of them finds someone (I actually don't have a problem with this).I tell her that I want her to sleep in my bed, but no sex is to be expected. We "spoon" and fall asleep. The next morning, me being me, I start to instigate sex now that we are sober. She reacts very well, but then pulls away after 20 minutes, stating that she doesn't want me to be another number. I was strong the night before, she was strong the next morning.. very cool experience. We talked, and I thanked her for not only denying me, but for also sleeping in my bed and cuddling (this is helping me get over my ex).So my question for all of you.. what do I do? I don't want to lose her friendship, I would totally pusue her if she lived here, and she said she would have a relationship if I moved to her neck of the woods (thousands of miles away, and I have no draw to the area). She also stated she doesn't want me to move, because it would make me resent her (and I agree, although I would resent the decision, not her). She stated that she will not move back here after her last experience.Because of life, I can't move. I have a great job that I love and it pays more than I will ever make starting from scratch and also have too many ties to where I am at. She's moved in the past for a lover, but has always regretted it.. and I don't want to do that to her.She is literally my dream girl, but I do have doubts (hence my post here). I know I am still in rebound phase, but question why a good friend would do this to me if she didn't mean it... arg.. Any input would be greatly appreciated. I can also provide more details if needed.
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reader, david77 +, writes (30 June 2009):
david77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionholikdad, thank you for your reply.It was a "why didn't I do this years ago" type of breakup. It sounds uncaring, but I know I was just staying in the relationship for stability. Now that I have been on my own for the past 6 weeks, I've experienced a flood of insights into who I am vs. whom I was to be compatable with her. I like the new/old me that I now see in the mirror.. I couldn't say that 6 months ago.Regarding the "dream girl," I agree. The unknown may be what is drawing me to her, but keep in mind I've known her for years and she is my muse. This is the third time she has gotten me out the gutter/had an extremely positive influence on my life.So I'm confused.. she could be the perfect mate for me, on the other hand she is already the perfect friend.. and I don't want to lose a friend at this point in my life.
A
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reader, david77 +, writes (30 June 2009):
david77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Samii. Yes, not the answer that I wanted to hear, but rather the answer that I needed to hear it seems.
I do believe that I love her as a friend.. and I don't want that love to change into something that is out of reach for the both of us. It's hard though.. whenever I'm around her I am lost & inflatuated.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (30 June 2009):
Some times the dream is better than the reality. I'm sure you care for her, but remember there are lots of "dream girls" out there for you.And there is no specific time line one can follow to know when they're ready to date again after a break up. Everybody is different. It also depends on how the break up went. If you were glad to get rid of her then you might be ready in a week. If it was an emotional roller coaster, then it'll take longer. Don't try to force yourself to conform to a "When am I ready to date?" calendar. Relax, don't worry about it, you'll know when you're ready.
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