A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone :)I recently reunited with a guy that I have know for about 7 years now (I'm 20 by the way). We used to live in the same apartment complex for 3 years and we would play at the tennis courts, go swimming, and just hang out pretty much everyday. We went to the same school but we hung out with different people. He was shorter than me, had long hair, and was never seen without his skateboard. I never thought much about him and my friends would make fun of him because he was different. After 3 years of knowing each other, I moved overseas. We would contact each other through Facebook, but distance did change our friendship.We barely messaged each other. 4 years passed and I decided to move back to America. He was one of the first people to contact me to meet up. We decided to meet up at the mall and have coffee. So I see this tall, built guy walking toward me with a smile on his face. Puberty really changed this kid. lol. His hair was short and his voice was way deeper. We hung out the whole day and decided to go out on Friday night. We went clubbing and had a lot of fun together. We ended up going to my apartment and we made out but didn't have sex. On Monday he ended up coming over again and that's when we slept with each other. We had a lot of fun and we would see each other every other day. He would bring me flowers and we would go to the beach together. It felt good to have somebody by my side. The problem is, is that I had a boyfriend when I was overseas and I lived with him and he ended up cheating on me. I have serious trust issues and I don't like it when a guy thinks I'm dependent and that I can't be without him which is why I barely text this guy. I can't get over that wall that I have built up in the past few years but I really like him. We are two different people. We barely have anything in common (such as music genres, food, and a couple of other things) yet I still have feelings for him. I never in a million years would have thought we would end up being together. Now, my question is, do you think it's good for me to start a relationship now? I've been single for about a year and a half. Should I trust this guy with all my heart? He seems like a nice guy and everything's great, but then again the trust issues get in the way. I'm really confused. This makes me feel like I'm in 6th grade all over again and it's almost as intense as my first date ever. lol. Any advice that you all could give me would help. Soooo please HELP :)
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 March 2013):
Yes, it's a good time to be in a relationship. You are aware of your issues; that makes it easy to work on them.
Most people, at some point in their lives, have been cheated on (statistically) . You were one of the ones that found out about it. While there is no way to guarantee it won't happen again, there are things that can help: don't neglect your partner emotionally or physically, don't ignore the signs that they may not be trustworthy, nourish (don't neglect) your relationship.
Remember that trust is earned, not handed out freely. That doesn't mean everyone is a liar until proven otherwise, but beyond a basic amount of trust that you give most people it has to be earned by their words and actions. As this happens your barrier with fall little by little.
Resist any urge you may have to superficially force him to be trustworthy by checking through his phone, calling him all the time, etc. This won't prevent cheating it'll just drive him nuts.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 March 2013):
 well i would never suggest to anyone to just trust someone with their whole heart once they literally just started dating. yes, you may have known this guy for years, but knowing someone and dating someone are two very different things.
just take it slow. i know how it feels to have severe trust issues. been there. the only way around it is to slow it down and just learn each other and what you're all about. earn each others trust over time. there's no rush. if it's meant to be, it will be. if it's not, it'll present itself.
so that's my two cents. definitely don't just throw your whole self out there. there's no need for that just yet. relax. just enjoy his company and take it one day at a time. good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"I gave him a try and day by day we worked it out. Now three years later we are married with twins. I hope I helped you out. Good luck !"
-that made my day. It's amazing how things do work out :) thank you for your answer. It makes me happy to know that people who have been cheated on and lied to , end up finding true love! Xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice! I'm usually not the type of girl to rush into things, but I'm starting to get serious feelings for this guy. I have been in America for about 5 months now and I have to admit that I have been feeling very lonely lately. My brother and my mom are overseas and my father is a truck driver. My father comes home every 3 weeks and stays for about 2-3 days. I won't call it a relationship until he earns my complete trust. It's really hard to get over being cheated on, especially since I trusted my ex completely and lived with him. I usually don't let my past affect my future relationships either, but I just want to be more careful this time.Anyway, thanks again for your advice. I will definitely take my time with figuring everything out! Xo
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Okay I understand exactly where you are coming from. I don't know how to put it in words though but I've been in your shoes. Guys hurt me and played me and my trust issues begin to go down the drain. Well the guy I been friends with all my life finally admitted to liking me and I liked him too. We stayed going places together and everything but I was afraid of opening up. I was afraid to give my heart to him and get hurt at the end. Me and this guy didn't have anything in common either but he knew where I was coming from because we sat down and talked about it. He started showing me that he cares and that he really do love me. I just started thinking and said "Not all guys are the same. You can't let the past relationship affect your new one or you might miss out on something really great. The past relationships helped you grow and protect your heart. Give him a chance but keep your wall around your heart up." I gave him a try and day by day we worked it out. Now three years later we are married with twins. I hope I helped you out. Good luck !
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): OP how long have you been seeing him now? I mean you were only back in the country a few days before you jumped into be with him. Maybe this is going a little fast?
OP trust issues from a past relationship is shit. I don't get why people do that. I've had my trust betrayed plenty of times, I never let that have an effect on my next relationship, they're always a clean slate. I do learn some things to look out for, I understand things a bit better but I don't get trust issues. You need to drop those issues and learn to trust, very slowly of course and carefully, open up.
"do you think it's good for me to start a relationship now?"
It depends how long you've been seeing him OP. You were only barely off the the plane home when he turned up with his dick out, you know? I mean if that was only a week or two ago then you're really running too fast with this.
OP don't think about relationships right now, and no don't trust him with your heart until you've taken the time to spend time with him and get to know him again.
OP when in doubt, take your time. Really simple rule that and it works amazingly. When you take things slowly you don't get swept up in emotion as much and you get time to think about the things you want and find out whether he can offer you those.
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