A
male
age
36-40,
*muk Lela
writes:I have this guy I have been dating. I am a 33 year old bisexual male. He is 22. I know he loves women and has several girlfriends. We live together and we are usually very close. We have kissed severally, even though he said he isnt into men and would never be gay. Severally, we have been intimate, oral sex and stuff. He has never objected, even though after every oral sexual contact, he usually withdraws and acts like he hates me. We have become closer, and he tells me he loves me, and that I belong to him. He also says he looks up to me as a mentor, and he would like to be like me in future. Last weekend, after a night out, he became intimate with me. We had been drinking for the better part of the day. He had sex with me, real sex, for the first time in three years. Now he says I took advantage of him, coz he was drunk. We are not talking and he says he doesnt want to speak about the issue. I am confused, as I swear I never led him on. He initiated it. I love him How do I address this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): Avoid this guy.I really hope you do not end up in jail.If he was drunk legally he is unable to consent and you might be charged with rape.Avoid him like the plague.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): You're not wet behind the ears, nor naive, dear sir. Let me lay it out for you!
There are guys who want to live a dual-life; living their ambiguous sex-lives strictly on the DL(down-low). For all practical-purposes, they prefer females. You rarely find it 50/50. You lean either towards men, or women. They only have traditional romantic-relationships with females, or may marry and have kids; but they venture-out secretly to scratch an itch they prefer never to be associated with being a "homo!" It's a kink, which is primarily suppressed and hidden from everyone. Many live a whole lifetime this way.
They secretly slip into gay-bars; or go online and find random male-on-male hookups. They insist they're not gay, but they like a BJ performed by a gay-guy now and again. If you know what it feels like, you're more expert in your performance; so gay-bj's are a fetish kept under wraps! There are gay-guys who strictly prefer really hot masculine-men; and they loathe the stereotypical flamboyant effeminate-types. They claim to be "bisexual" to get the next-best-thing to straight-guys; and to ward-off fems, who don't have a snowball's-chance.
Guys on the DL must maintain their macho/manly image at all costs. They usually, for the most part, prefer to be the top; and some are bottoms (but vehemently deny it if confronted). They avoid being labeled "bottoms," because you can still claim not to be gay (or bi); if you're always the giver, and never the receiver. Sex with the same-sex is gay-sex. It's all black and white to me.
There are very discrete and exclusive websites that cater solely to the tastes and pleasures of bisexual-men (i.e. closet-cases, married-men, men under strict fundamentalist religious-constraints). Some prefer to covertly roam the allies of questionable neighborhoods; and/or go skulking the red light district to seek male sex-workers, transsexual-prostitutes, and she-males (chicks with d!cks). Many explore while they're in college; and some watch too much XXX-porn, and get wild ideas.
It defies the laws of probability how you can possibly certify with no uncertainty one's claim they can actually hit the switch; and seamlessly swing from real-sex with women, and turnaround and enjoy having sex with men as well. This is not an argument in debate of bisexuality; because I know several personally. I also know for a fact they love women, and they have scratched that "itch" (boy/boy-sex) on the DL. They do not want boyfriends, and refuse to be identified as gay. I know some who have returned and conformed to complete heterosexuality; never to revisit their other hidden-inclinations ever again. They love their wives, have families, and that's that! Some are transformed through religious-conviction, and saved by Jesus. They too, will never return to those inclinations. It angers me that people don't believe that can happen. With God, all things are possible! There are guys who spent years in prison, dabbled, came-out and never touched another man again! They'll never confess they did it. Like they never confessed to the crime that put them there.
Claiming you're bisexual, but not gay, is totally subjective. Gays posing undercover as bi's are often busted when they're put to the test! Generally, it's taken at your word, and no irrefutable-evidence is required. Somebody proposes having threesome-sex with a girl in the middle; well, if you notice more attention is focused on the guy, and never once is the female touched...busted!
Any gay-man can keep a collection of lovely-beards, and pretend he's straight, or...*cough and clear throat*... profess to be bi-sexual/bi-curious. I say bisexuality is a subjective-concept; because there are so many phonies and posers who think it makes them more appealing to "out-gays" to say they like women. Frankly, they can't say they're straight; and ask a dude for a bj with a straight-face! The pun is unintentional! When in-fact, they are as gay as the mardi gras; and gag at the very thought of looking at a vagina, let-alone touching one!
Your young love-interest may be among those on the DL; but he will never ever ascribe to the gay-lifestyle. You should back-off as I have suggested. I suspect he will tire of your hot and heavy pursuits, move-out and move-on. If you by chance are offering him any kind of monetary-incentives, cheap-rent to live in a luxurious-home, or footing the bill for his education. You're the typical older gay-male manipulating-opportunist who'll end-up broke financially, or broken-hearted. He tells you what you want to hear, teases you once in-awhile; and that sweetens the pot! Hence, that gets him what he wants. Gay for pay, as it were! Think about that too!
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A
female
reader, Dancinggirl  +, writes (9 October 2020):
He's blaming you for his own demons. You are placing the forbidden fruit in front of him to eat. He eats it. Then places all blame on you for placing it there. Enticing him with it. While absolving himself of any blame for eating it. He didn't have to eat it. And you didn't have to place it in front of him, enticing him to take a bite, then two, then devouring the whole thing.He wants the fruit but hates himself for wanting it. He will pull away to deal with the guilt and the shame. Until he wants another bite. You will just be a YO YO for this man's physical desires. Then shame. He will fuck you, say he loves you to get what he wants, then pull away again because he doesn't want to want you, hates himself for wanting you. But as long you keep feeding him the fruit, he will keep coming back. And then leaving. It will be a vicious cycle. In the meantime, he will destroy you a little more each time. Save yourself the heartache and the devastation on your mental well being by removing the fruit and leaving the table. This man is JUST USING you for sex. He has alot of BAGGAGE and he will only pull you down with him if you ALLOW it. I understand that good sex can be addictive and you only want more but at what price? You will see in the end when all the damage is done, it wasn't worth it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (9 October 2020):
 You are putting yourself in an uncomfortable and potentially very dangerous situation. Is it really worth it? If he is saying that you took advantage of him then that is on the same line as him stating that you raped him. This is nothing to brush under the rug. You had better take him seriously. If he reports this you could wind up in jail Mr!
You are older and have to have the cool head. Start thinking with the right head and acting like an adult. He is obviously not comfortable with having sexual acts with you.
The smartest thing you can do is stay far far away from him. Don't act on sexual urges that could cost you far more than what you want to pay. I'd find another room mate and put him in the past. He's trouble just waiting to happen.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 October 2020):
 Whether he wants to acknowledge that he has sexual desires that involve men, is kind of irrelevant because he doesn't WANT them. He doesn't WANT to admit them.
He is 22 and you are 11 years older, so the "adult" in this here scenario.
If he EVERYTIME you two fooled around, got mad and upset AFTERWARDS, you should have taken that as a HUGE red flag and as an indicator that YOU need to be the ADULT and say NO to him. That YOU need to keep your hands, lips etc. off him and now allow him to touch you in a sexual matter as well. YOU need to shut that down.
Now you might think, EVENTUALLY he will see that this can work between us, but I don't think it will. Because HE doesn't WANT it to. He wants to be with women. At least for now.
You say you are dating and living together, but I don't think THAT is how he sees it.
Is he living with you rent free? Does he feel the "sexual favors" is how he pays rent?
If he was DATING you, I don't think he would be this ambivalent in his feeling!
I think you NEED to leave him be, NO more sexual stuff. Especially when alcohol is involved. In many countries a DRUNK person can not CONSENT which means, it can be considered rape. And that is not something you want to be accused off. Ever.
Also if he is MAD at you after EACH encounter WHY do you keep pursuing him?
YOU need to respect him AND yourself.
He is VERY conflicted about his sexuality and that is not something you can "help" him with by using sex, offering sex or accepting sex from him.
He is NOT at a point where he can LOVE you back. Where he can be open about what HE really wants. And unfortunately, he might never be. He might WANT to conform to his parent's wishes of dating and marrying a women. Even if he also wants to explore men.
Back off and let him figure himself out. If you WANT a BF and sexual partner, you ought to look for someone who is OPEN about being gay and wanting to BE with a guy.
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A
male
reader, Omuk Lela +, writes (9 October 2020):
Omuk Lela is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for all your responses. As WiseOwlE says, there are a lot of things that I am not sure about. I understand his resentment, either he was never fully in terms with his sexuality, and I am not sure if I manipulated him. I have been asking for this relationship for a while, not because I couldn't get anyone else, but because we seem connected. And we usually get to understand each other even in unspoken words. I honestly never led him, and this is the first time I am interacting with a sexual drunkenness situation. I also know he has girlfriends and has had sex with them. May be he is bisexual, maybe bi-curious. I dont know. I have decided to wait out the situation and see it as it unfolds. A little painful, but a reality check. I would also feel bad if someone pressured me, so i will not pressure him. Thank you all for the comments.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2020): If he feels you took advantage of him, then your best move is to back-away; and place a lot of distance between you physically. Such an allegation amounts to rape; because he's claiming the sex was not consensual. That means he was not in a state of mind to consent; and his judgement was impaired by alcohol. In some courts of law, and depending on statutes existing regarding sexual-consent; he would have a reasonable complaint. Even if he likes you, as you claim; it is better to have sex when you know your partner is sober and lucid, in full-charge of their faculties; and they were by no means forced or coerced into performing an act against their will. You wouldn't have written a post about it; unless you were concerned.
He's in a lot of conflict about his sexual-orientation. Presuming this story is true. I tend to maintain a certain amount of skepticism about stories like yours; because they always contain many contradictions. Contradictions are usually an indication that the OP is lying, the story is a complete fabrication, or it is an attempt to sway opinions in the OP's favor.
Let's review the following comments:
"We have kissed severally, even though he said he isnt into men and would never be gay. Severally, we have been intimate, oral sex and stuff. He has never objected, even though after every oral sexual contact, he usually withdraws and acts like he hates me. We have become closer, and he tells me he loves me, and that I belong to him."
Why would you persist in pursuing him when someone is clearly so conflicted? How can he say he's not gay when everything you've described that goes-on between you is completely homosexual-behavior? If you've become closer, and he claims to love you, and you belong to him; he'd have to be pretty stupid not to know this is the very definition of gay-behavior! Apparently, bisexuality is debatable in this situation. Many gays claim to be, but unless there's evidence they sleep with women; it's just offered as an attribute that would somehow make them more appealing, or maybe more acceptable to heterosexual-people. Closer to "normal," by means of having the ability to switch and choose.
"We had been drinking for the better part of the day. He had sex with me, real sex, for the first time in three years."
If before this you never had real-sex, assuming you mean penetrative-sex; then perhaps he only went that far, because he was in-fact too drunk to be in control of his inhibitions. Thereby unable to make rational decisions. He has a history of withdrawing after messing-around with you sexually; and then he behaves as if he hates you. That leaves the question, was he sober and in full-command of his behavior in all these other instances? I am aware of some incidents when people (gay or straight) may have tried to take advantage of those who have had too much to drink or are high on substances. I've intervened if I could. They might have considered it consent, because the individual seemed receptive and willing. Nevermind the fact they are under the influence. That's where things get dicey and dangerous. Their defense becomes he-said/she-said, or he-said/he-said in this instance. I suspect your friend feels manipulated.
Presuming there is truth in your account of these events, without getting both sides of what happened; we would have to conclude other times he may have been okay with just fooling-around. He looks up to you, and views you as a mentor; he does have some affection towards you, but it seems you may have manipulated his feelings to some degree. I question the accuracy of what you claim he has done in the past; because it seems odd he would decide this last encounter was because he was drunk. Meaning you did not have his consent.
I'm gay, and I might have a different perception from someone who is not. Far too often, older gay-men become infatuated with younger-men. They use their experience, wealth, and acumen to control things to their advantage. Having the ability to think ahead of less-mature individuals who have limited-judgement. Guys who are only bi-curious; and full of confusion about what they feel, who they are, and what their true sexual-orientation might be.
Fooling-around from time to time, but never giving-in fully; is an indication a person is only willing to go but so far. They are maintaining some restraint. There is a boundary. If that boundary is never crossed; then frustration and impatience is likely to drive you to keep pushing and controlling things to get your way. He sees somewhat of a father-figure and role-model in you; and he will do things to please you, or he tries to gain your approval. You even imply that he's a little slow. I attribute that to youth and inexperience. He's curious and adventurous.
If he says you took advantage of him, that is what he believes. I don't care what your feelings are; because you have shaky-credibility in this situation. Claiming you never led him on, and he initiated it. I guess it's his word against yours? Who is the most mature and more experienced in this situation?
My advice is to keep your hands to yourself and discontinue sexual-contact of any kind. He is turning, and you have no idea where all this could lead.
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A
female
reader, SamanthaIreland  +, writes (8 October 2020):
 Hi
It sounds like he is very confusing to put up with but you guys do share intimate feelings for one another. I think you loving him is alot for him to take on as he seems to feel the same but withdraws from you. Is he simply not ready? His signs say he has done enough to be sure he is into you and more but see will he act a little more mature around you ...he cant hate you because he made a mistake too. You guys have genuine feelings i hope and will get to talk this through. Hang in there!!!
Hope this helps
Samantha
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2020): You do not love him, you want him and lust after him, very different. You hardly know him and do not understand him - that is not love.
He hates himself for his gay feelings, so he blames you - same as shooting the messenger. He prefers to blame you for how he is - passing the buck - if he had not met you and it had been some other man it would have been the same with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2020): Well I think one of two things could be happening here. 1 - He is just using you. He isn’t getting any elsewhere and you are willing to be a hole to put his penis into. He’s not gay and not into men at all. The way he sees it is he has needs and you are willing to fulfil them. You could be giving him oral but he could be imagining a woman doing it instead. Just because he is doing things with you does not automatically make him gay or bisexual. You are an easy conquest when he has no one else and you are so willing. You could probably be anyone man or female. He then avoids you because he is ashamed OR because he’s trying not to lead you on. But then he gets horny again, has no one else and the cycle continues. 2 - He is just exploring his sexuality. He could be bisexual or just exploring. If thats the case again - he is using you. You are a piece of meat in which to explore his fantasy’s. He will end up resenting you as he clearly feels ashamed after every encounter. He will place all the blame on you as he already is starting too. It will be all your fault and he won’t want to take any responsibility for his actions. In his head it’s all your fault, you made him do it. He is justifying his actions to himself by putting the blame on you. That’s what guilt and shame does. Think of when two people in a relationship break up. They automatically start blaming the other person for everything going wrong. He said she said nonsense (or he he, she she). People don’t want to admit their faults or wrong doings, they want to be the victim and not for other people to feel badly about them. Part of it is shame, guilt, anger, sadness. Emotions are all over the place.The same thing here. He feels all kind of emotions after having sex with you. And not the kind of emotions you want him to have, mainly negative. All to do with him rather than you. But he will never see it like that. He will blame you to make himself feel better. You will be the bad guy! If I were you I would leave this guy alone. Do not have sex or engage in ANY other sexual activity with him. Not only will you be the bad guy in this scenario but you will find you have no place to live. You also say you love him. That will end up in even more hurt for you. He is not available like that to you. He will never have a relationship with you. He will then find a woman he likes and he will ditch you straight away. Heartbreak!! But I think you already know this. Yet you still are Pursuing him . I feel you will ignore this advice and carry on Pursuing him and you will end up heartbroken. Find someone who is available to you for a proper relationship. If your feelings get too much unfortunately you will have to find somewhere to live. Also don’t believe when he says he loves you. He has got you right where he wants you. For sex whenever he feels like it. That’s what he loves - not you. He doesn’t want to loose that so will tell you what you want to hear so you stay right where you are waiting for him. All up until he finds a better offer. Good luck - you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2020): Plain and simple he is panicking and denying his sexuality.Are you sure you want to take this on as it could be a long and messy road with no guarantee of happiness at the end.He seems to be at the very early stage of denying who he is and wishing he was straight, which clearly isn't the case. That most likely will take a long time to get past, through which time he will just blank you as he will try to shut out what happened and forget about it.The problem is that whilst he is like this, you can't force him to talk to you or to be with you. You just have to accept that he has to work through this on his own and when he's ready to out he will.I also think the age gap will be a big issue in all of this and you may find will be an issue if you do ever get into a relationship with him.Anyway, I hope i'm wrong but best of luck.
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