A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want to break up with my boy friend.It is a 11 years relationship and we are still good friends.We both feel that there is no future in our realationship. we are not staying together.I want a commitment from him and he is afraid of marriage.we both have feelings for each other.we are commited to each other. but i want to stay with him and i would not change. I tried a lot but there is no hope. past ten years i wasted my time to convince him for moving together. :) then i have done research about his commitment phobia.meanwhile we use to share each and every little thing in our lifes.we work a lot and appreciate each outher.we talked a lot but no way. every time we ended up with ' lets break up' we want to but we can't because of our dialing habit. we cant overcome our sharing habits.Its like an addiction. Now i want to know is there any practical solution for this problem?we have lot of commen friends.we tried to change our numbers ,block each other from chat list, delet our facebook acounts.. :)and its not worked. Here i am asking for If there is any 'practical' solution for not to contact? I just hate my mobile though it is chocolate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): 11 years is way too long to wait for anyone. So first you need to ask yourself why you have waited this long. Since you both care for each other it will be hard to stop contact, but you need to do that for a year at least in order to break the emotional bond enough for you to move on.
If he truly cares for you he will allow you to move on and so you can start a life with someone else since he can't or doesn't want to do that with you.
If you feel you can, moving would be a good idea.
I agree that he is using you for emotional intimacy needs and other needs maybe while he gets to do what he wants to do which may be to eventually seek another partner who he will commit to.
Just imagine how you're going to feel in another 10 years when he is married and has a family and you're still hung up on him. It's quite narcissistic to do that to someone, so you can feel sorry for whoever does end up with him!
Put yourself first. It may cause you a lot of pain but in the long run it will be worth it. You need to allow yourself to grieve for the end of this relationship before you can really move on.
A
female
reader, MrsTetzlaff  +, writes (26 December 2010):
Okay, here goes nothing. Your boyfriend or whatever he is... he's just using you. He keeps you around to tidy over his need for intimacy or to just keep his emotions at bay while he searches out someone else.
I suggest you change your number, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop thinking that he loves you (because he doesn't), and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
You're dragging on this garbage for all of the wrong reasons. You're afraid to be alone and you look pathetic.
GROW UP - MOVE ON - MOVE TO ANOTHER CITY - DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE.
... personal experience.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 December 2010):
 you would not have all this angst if he could get over his commitment phobia. But that is his problem, not yours.
Your problem is that you are now of an age where you deserve a committed life long partner and father to your children. He has disqualified himself from that role due to his commitment phobia.
As a man he can father children any time. But as a woman you have limited/years
left to do this.
They say if you start doing a new activity and you faithfully do it every day for 6 weeks then it becomes an ingrained habit.
A new habit you need is to 'Not look back'.
Don't think about your ex, don't talk about your ex. And of course do not contact nor communicate with your ex.
If you find a new partner don't talk about your ex. Other than you had a friendship with a man, but it has ended. No more. Your ex is now in the past. Raking over the past will do you no good.
Start caring more for your skin and your hair, nails etc. Spruce up what you wear.
Start doing a few new things.
Travel a different way to work.
Shop for the things you need, but at a different
If you can join a group that does good volunteer work in the community then offer the group a couple of hours of your time each month, to help them.
In your spare time go visit a place you have meant to go to, but never managed to go to. Maybe a land mark or place of beauty somewhere in your region.
Go to the library and find some books by authors you have never read - the librarian will know some good ones worth reading.
You need to get this man out of your head by trying new activities.
Speak to your Aunts and married friends, on if they know of any nice available single men or widower men who would be interested in marriage and settling down.
Your extended family may know of several such suitors. Get to know them by meeting and speaking to them. If there is one you especially like then consider allowing yourselves to get to know each other for no more than 18 months before you marry. Time is running out for you to be at your most attractive to a man who wants to marry and have children.
Never never ever take back your commitment phobic man. He has wasted too much of your life with his shilly shallowing. You deserve much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): When you stop contact with someone it is hard, but all this going round in circles is no good, one of you has to be the strong one and say no more. if this is what you really want, I suggest you say right now, that's it I'm done it's over. and don't contact them again ever, it is just a habit you got yourself into stop today and you can't go into 2011 with a fresh start.
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