A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend of 1 year separated yesterday. Here's the situation... both of us know that we're the one for each other and we are very much in love. The reason for our separation is that she has constant family problems. Her Mother and Father continuously argue, and her Father is often abusive towards her Mother. Her problems at home often affect our relationship and we end up arguing because of it. She feels that since she can't lash out at her parents, then our relationship is the best way to do it. So yesterday she said that she really couldn't handle a relationship right now because of her situation at home, and that "we could be together, but just not right now". Its basically that she wants time to deal with it on her own. My question is should I still pursue her? When she said we could be together but not right now does that mean that we'll really be back together? Or was it just an excuse to keep me waiting? Also our break-ups aren't average at all... when we are separated we do basically everything the same (kissing, talking, etc.) We just don't spend as much time with each other during that period. So could this be a sign that she still really wants to be with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionK_C 100: I agree with everything you said except about the frequent break ups. We've only broken up once before and that was my decision. When I said our break ups are'nt average I really meant that when we broke up before we still acted as boyfriend and girlfriend. Also she is not my first love and I've been in two long term relationships before this. Thank you so much for your advice!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionK_c100: thanks for your advice... the only thing is we don't have frequent break-ups... we've only broken up once before and that we my decision. So I don't think its really frequent break-ups... but I do agree with everything else that you said! Thanks!
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 Well what worries me here is that you have said your break-ups aren't average at all - which suggests you have broken up before. I know you may think you are in love and she is the one but to be brutally honest, if you have an on/off again relationship, this is not true love or how a relationship works. The first year is supposed to be the honeymoon period, if you keep on arguing and breaking up during your first year together then this is a really bad sign for the future!
Before I had read up to that part, I thought that this girl sounds like she has a good reason to end this and that she is being genuine about wanting to get back together in the future. She probably just needs some time and space to deal with her family issues, as it is not right that she takes out any anger on you. I would suggest that you dont "pursue" her as such, rather just be around for her as a friend but give her the space she needs.
I dont think this is an excuse from your girlfriend, I do think she is being honest. But from reading your whole question, the frequent break-ups part should be a concern for you. It sounds to me like this is your first serious relationship, and the on/off again theme is pretty typical of first relationships. So I am sorry to tell you this but in a relationship where you are on and off again, it just wont last. If you, at any point in a relationship say to someone you want to end it, or they say it to you; then it means it is a chilish relationship, where both people involved are too immature to acutally work through their problems.
I know this isnt what you want to hear but when you automatically split up with someone when times get hard, and then you get back together again; this is a clear sign of immaturity. Adults argue but then they work at their problems to try and resolve them, they dont shout "its over!" and then walk out only to come back again a few days later (well a few adults do behave like this but it is still wrong!).
If this is a common theme to your relationship then I think you might need to question whether this girl is the "one". I imagine it is just first love rather than an actual long term love that can last. But if you choose not to listen to my concerns (which I think might be the case!) then at least give your girlfriend some space. It sounds like she will come back to you, so it is just a question of how long she needs and how long you are willing to wait for her.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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