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age
41-50,
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writes: My boyfriend dumped me 3 weeks ago because I accused him of cheating. I've accused him only because I was feeling insecure after a few incidents where I found out he was talking to other women sexually online.We live together and are unable to move out separately - he is supporting us financially as I lost my job a couple of months ago. We do sleep in separate rooms.We aired out and talked openly for the first time in our relationship about a week ago. Everything came out and we decided to take things one day at a time, no expectations, no promises and try to re-build everything starting with our friendship.Lately he has been acting really comfortable around me. He talks to me the same, he touches and flirts me with me like we used to. We hang out at home a lot, and although we do have opportunities to go out, he'd rather be home and so would I. Everytime I'm in another room, he will make an effort to come and see what I'm doing, or ask me something. It doesn't bother me but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he's just reaching out.We've had sex a couple of times since we broke up. The first time he said that we couldn't do that anymore because it would put us back to how we were, and he didn't want it coming between our progress to re-build. The second time, he didn't say anything.I just feel so confused. There are days that I'm okay with things, and other days where it tears me apart because I do want to work on our relationship. I have been seeing a therapist for 6 months to deal with my insecurities. I don't know if time apart would help, but I just want to stop looking for the smallest signs that he would want me back. What do you think?
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female
reader, amandab  +, writes (6 February 2011):
its not going to happen, 'cake and eat it' springs to mind.
he has no respect for you or himself. You are insecure, he knows this, he knows you will do anything to make ago of it so he is using the situation to his advantage, sorry but you need to give him the big elbow. work on yourself so you respect yourself fully then others will respect you in return, good luck
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Something about your situation rings so true to me, and I am sure so many others.
At some point the two of you probably loved each other, or at least said so, and yet when you made him aware of a specific fear that you have, he intentionally did something that he had to know would devastate you.
If you have a problem with insecurity, which so often in women involves body image and self-esteem, why in the hell would he be "talking to other women sexually online"?! You don't need me to tell you that he is no good for you. Someone who will intentionally hurt you is probably not going to end up being a good life partner, you know what I mean?
But there are many more issues here. It is my opinion that finding a healthy and constructive relationship amidst all of the hurt, confusion, co-dependency, and distrust will be virtually impossible.
You cannot raise your self-esteem while relying on him financially.
You cannot have sex with him without any boundaries or commitments and expect it to become a good thing.
You cannot figure out how to be a whole person while admittedly being only partially valuable to him.
I agree with the others that suggest you really focus on becoming self-sufficient and getting out of this living situation first. It would not take long for you to find a job that will at the least allow you to get a place, even if it is with roommates you have no connection to.
This space will be necessary for you to begin your healing process and establish your own identity.
If you stay in that living situation you will probably never "end up" in a healthy relationship, and you will also not be available to offer anything to someone else if they come along.
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A
female
reader, Ordinary Woman +, writes (6 February 2011):
Do you think that maybe he is the one that is making you feel insecure and that maybe deep down inside you do not feel comfortable?
He seems to be giving you an ultimatum, you can't have me if you accuse me of cheating but I am allowed to do what I want and talk dirty to other women on-line. (sorry I know this hurts). I suspect that unless you take the hard line he will continue with this attitude, forcing you into a position of next time, do you ignore it because you think that you will lose him or confront, with the knowledge that he will dump you. This is control and abuse, not love and respect.
Perhaps you need to decide what you want, and assess if you feel happy with this or not.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 February 2011):
You weren't being insecure. You found him chatting to other women sexually online - so in other words he was cheating. In fairness, you have admitted that you're insecure, and you're trying to deal with that. But this guy did cheat on you by chatting sexually to other women.
If I were you, I would stop seeing this man, and I would focus on getting over the insecurities. I wonder of your own insecurities are leading you to overlook bad behaviour in other people. This guy didn't really treat you well at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Of course you are finding it hard while you are living together. Then theere is the temptation to sleep together from time to time. This is impossible. You can not move on with your life in this situation. You are trapped. Your only hope is moving out. I see that as he is supporting you both, that is difficult. You are reliant on him. I don't think trying to be friends will work long term. To get on with your life you have to leave the home, sooner or later. What if one of you meets someone and wants to date. The complications are just around the corner.
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