A
female
age
41-50,
*ab455
writes:I have been dating a guy for 1 1/2 yrs.He is 40 I am 29.I knew him from having our horses at the same farm,never paid any attention to him as we were both in serious relationships when he moved out there. After some time I broke up with my boyfriend and was single for 1 yr.He was still in his relationship.She the GF went to the farm a couple of times and made shows and a lot of drama. Never got along w/his family including his so,burned his bed, cut up clothes and various other things. Eventually he left that relationship. After a while 6 months or so we became friends and we started going out.Things were ok for a while and then we started to have problems.He does not like to argue and when he gets stressed out he locks up.I like to talk about the problems maybe even too much and tend to nag about them. Last year we broke up for about 1 month and he went back to her and then they went out of town for 1 week. When they got back they got back in an argument and we talked things out and got back together. Again we did ok for a while and then in May of 2008 we broke up.We remained friends.After 1 month he tells me that she contacted him again and that he knew he was still in love with me but that we had too many problems and that he is confused. He just turned 40 on 08/09/08.Two weeks ago we got into a fight over the situation and he said never to call him again.So i have not not even for his b-day.I wonder does he care?Were the problems too much?He will not admit to people that him and her are dating why?The people that do know he tells them that he knows she is not half the woman I am and that he loves me but he does not want a relationship now? He tells them that he knows she is not the woman for him. What does all this mean? Please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Dear Poster
This might not be what you want to hear;
BUT
I suggest you get on with your life; give this guy time and space; he seems confused and needs to make up his mind;
If he truly loves you, let him come back to you; let him do the "chasing";
Set him free; if he does not come back; move on!
I am sure a text message saying sorry, "late birthday wish" will do no harm; but give him time and space;
Go out and enjoy your life; don't sit around just waiting for him to resolve his issues.
You are still young and DESERVE the best;
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Well I think this is a classic case of a guy who is so scared of being alone and keeps going back to someone who treats him badly as he doesn't know what else to do.
Unfortunately I don't think getting into a new relationship with you was a wise move so soon after breaking up with psycho woman but hey no one can time these things.
You seem to gloss over the fact that you had problems but not exactly what they were, I think the age difference has not helped in your relationship with this man as men are classic at going quiet and us women always want to talk it through but men just DON'T do that, they go to their caves and like their wounds, we on the other hand could talk for England and this is fine if our partners were women but their not.
I think that the fact that you know he doesn't like arguments and you pushed him about your situation was only lighting the paper of the fire that erupted in your face. It is understandable that he was hurt and upset as you pushed him into a corner and when someone does that the other person will lash out and whoever is in the way will get it from both barrels. You were that person.
I think the fact that you didn't even bother to contact him for his birthday was pretty immature as a birthday is just that a birthday and as it was his 40th he may have meant what he said at the time but the fact that you didn't even text him or send him a card for that day probably hurt him a lot.
He has already admitted to others that he knows you are so much better than his ex but I think it is probably a wise thing that you are not in a relationship right now.
What you could do is offer friendship and ask if as friends you could just be there for one another. If someone grows from that in time then fair enough but I wouldn't push him or rush into anything with him as he has been badly burnt and getting into a relationship with you so soon after his ex was probably too much too soon. You wanted more than he could give and that is why he has drawn back.
I can't give you all the answers as none of us can truly be in this man's head but what I can say is that if he sees a mature and positive attitude from you he may see a side to you that is appealing and much more caring than before. Maybe get him a small token gift like a really nice watch or keyring or something, not anything to OTT but a friend would buy for another - no strings attached and just send it to him or deliver it to his address and don't push for anything further. Explain to him even in a note that you have realised that by not contacting him on his birthday was something you regretted but you just wanted him to have the small gift you got for him to show you do care for him even as a very good friend and wish him well.
At least in this way the animosity may vanish and you can get on with your life, no one knows what the future may hold but I think this man could do with chatting to maybe a counsellor of some sort to get his ex out of his head so that he is then ready for a new relationship as I think he is still carrying around issues that need to be resolved, I think we all take a little something from each and every relationship we have so it is like having a spring clean of our minds before we move into a new space or relationship as such.
Hope some of the above helps. Take care.
BFN
Country Woman
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